WatfordFC: lol, that is cute..

Sarah1980: hahaha.. I live in Wyoming.. I can vouch for this! LOL

nobleheart: Hello Stranger!

amandalove: lol

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a
grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last
she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
"She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands
him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more
times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little
old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following questions ~

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?


Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:
BANG!

Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....
(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver
Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

Summertop: hehehe.. Loved it!

nobleheart: I see you found a piccie of me using the copier!! LOL

I wasn't permitted though to see the blonde with a mouse.. I can only imagine! LOL

amandalove: OMG! you funny one.. I almost got it!

nobleheart: hahaha.. too funny

Thad: hehe (good one)

10. You get winded from knocking on the door

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you

8. You ask for high fiber candy only

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6, People say,"Great Boris Karloff Mask" and you're not even wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or....." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You keep having to go home to pee.

Yield: 1 Day

~*~*~*~BREAKFAST~*~*~*~

1/2 Grapefruit
1 sl Whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz Skim milk


~*~*~*~LUNCH~*~*~*~

4 oz Lean broiled chicken breast
1 c Steamed spinach
1 c Herb tea
1 Oreo cookie


~*~*~*~MIDAFTERNOON SNACK~*~*~*~

Rest of Oreos in the package
2 pt Rocky Road ice cream
1 Jar hot fudge sauce
Nuts
Cherries
Whipped cream


~*~*~*~DINNER~*~*~*~

2 Loaves garlic bread with - cheese
1 lg Sausage, mushroom & cheese
-pizza
4 cn Beer OR
1 lg Pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy
-bars


Rules for this diet:

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no
calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories
in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot
chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. (Example: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, or Tootsie Rolls).

Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

Things licked off knives or spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples: peanut butter on a knife while making sandwiches or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream or mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substitited for any other food color.

The phone rang as we were sitting down to dinner. I answered it and was greeted with, "Is this William Wagenhoss?"

This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?" The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that. I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood."

I turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had called a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear at the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At this point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My food was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.

nobleheart: hahaha Oh my!! did you notice the one in the oven?? LOL

nobleheart: it was sent to me in an email.. :) it has been out for several years.. and I think it had been posted on here before.. just thought I would share..

Sad News It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. If this made you smile for even a brief second, please take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that kneads it.

:)

Happy Halloween

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there
aren't any.

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

You wake up and discover your water-bed broke, and then realize that you
don't have a water-bed.

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group
of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You wake up and your braces are locked together.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your paycheck bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

Your wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.

He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid -the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I
sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do
you think kept bidding against you?"

I never laughed so hard.. haha

LOL

... and what were the intended originals? (& no, you are NOT allowed to look up http://www.saidwhat.co.uk/spoon/index.php) :)

I've given the answer to no. 1:

1 fighting a liar (lighting a fire)

2 you Missed my History lecture

3 searched every Nook and Cranny

4 Battle ships and Cruisers

5 Cosy little Nook

6 a Crushing Blow

7 Conquering Kings their titles take
(announcing hymn in chapel)

8 Sons of Toil

9 let us drink to the Dear old Queen.

10 we'll have the flags hung out

11 you've wasted two terms

12 our loving shepherd

13 a half-farmed wish

14 is the dean busy?

15 six Crusty rolls

16 Hello, Watches of Switzerland

17 for god's sake take a shower

18 he has really bad manners

19 save the whales, man

20 he flew at the speed of light.

21 ooh look a pretty butter fly

22 i love pop corn

23 oh no! not a flat battery

24 would you like a hazel nut?

25 see ya, eye ball ?????

26 my lips are chapped
-----------------------

Now, can you recall/make up any?

When I Say I'm Broke............I'm Broke

A little humor to start your week with.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner." Good morning, "said the young man."If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

volant: *giggle*.. I like that..

CleverHunk: hehehe

nobleheart: lol

playBunny: LOL oh that is a great one..

nobleheart:

Yes I can.

nobleheart: aaaaaawwwwww how cute.. I think that last link there is so sweet..

but, I laughted my toosh off on that one microsoft word.. haha

BananaD: Ewwwwwwww *shiver bibbles at the thought*

Foxy Lady: hahaha.. I wonder how many peeps ran off.. or would have if it was during the busier time.. haha..

ScarletRose: ROTFLMCBO!!

Okay.. on the count of 3.. watch online players..

1...

2....

3.....

IYT is back..!! it is up and running.. yee haw!!!

isn't it gross?? LOL

Thanks Foxy..

Now.. some of you who have been complaining due to the chit chat and laughter.. please understand.. that this board even states at the top..

"A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)

Bet you can't do this!

Purple: Post away please!! haha I would love to see them..

­If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although
I am still in great shape since playing on my High School football
team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr.
old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me
a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes
on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be
a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it o ut the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.


WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life. She said some other stuff too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that Witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@
Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year, my wife (the female dog); will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a vasectomy!!!

dams: Oh.. I guess I mistook the word spoonerisms.. hehe.. I thought you were talking about something else.. ;)

Rose: haha.. OMG.. that would be horrid!

Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor
in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a
lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the
doctor, Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's
another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that
lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a
hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!"
cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Summertop: hehehe if that isn't true.. too funny

hahaha.. good reads today .. haha

ClayNashvilleTn: hahaha..

nobleheart: hahaha