amandalove:

amandalove: Every one a pearl! :-))

Notable Replies
to the Invitation to the first annual
Scientists' Ball


Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Volta was electrified, and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research.

Ohm resisted the idea at first.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Dr Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."

Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in
his schedule.

Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.

Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Newton was moved to attend.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

--

nobleheart: I see you found a piccie of me using the copier!! LOL

I wasn't permitted though to see the blonde with a mouse.. I can only imagine! LOL

how a blonde uses a photocopier
http://ducky-eh.com/gallery/albums/randompics/thumb_blonde-photocopy.jpg
blonde with mouse
http://www.blondejokes.ws/images/blonde.gif

Where the customers are thicker than the technical support....

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD,

but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?

Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?

Customer: Yeah....

Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?

Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....

Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

===============

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...

it's still on my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

============== =

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.

I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech support : Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least:....

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

http://www.joke-around.com/pictures/eye_test.gif

amandalove: OMG! you funny one.. I almost got it!

Amandalove : You playful evil

http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/6489/a-maze-ing_new_cursor3.swf

nobleheart: hahaha.. too funny

nobleheart: Still ROFLing

nobleheart: Public service announcemnt:::
Another Anti-drug ad!
http://www.yucs.org/~ephraim/bushlip/

we have all seen I think the anti-drug commercial on tv"your brain on drugs":
http://www.whitestonecafe.com/images/142_eggs-pan.jpg
--
well this is "your brain on brainking":
http://www.poopyjoe.com/a/images2/stress.jpg

You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You have 10 favourite recipes for elk, moose or deer meat.

You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is three feet above the ground.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.

You think everyone from the city has an accent.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't come up on your deck.

There is only one shopping plaza in town.

You find -40C a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

There are two seasons: Liquid and Solid

Nine months of winter and three months of rough sledding.

Six inches of snow is still considered a heavy frost.

You actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your Northern friends.

Problem Name


The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not

just an athlete....she is now a nurse currently working at the

Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not

permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much

confusion when she would answer the phone and say...



Picabo, ICU.



(A good clean joke is hard to find these days --- pass it on! )

Thad: hehe (good one)

Thad: Thanx Thad...you made my day.

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Fred

At 4 am the next day, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Fred

We have go through this at some point in life:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes.I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan
sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes,
an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder
on sigh and copy...rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."

nobleheart: LOL :oD

Lamby: you sure you didnt work here:
http://www.whatonearthcatalog.com/graphics/products/regular/AS5672.jpg

nobleheart: LOL they are as bad as mine!

Lamby: Lamby's been out in the cornfield again (groooaan)
--
http://www.theholidayspot.com/halloween/jokes.htm

What do yo get when you cross a Vampire with a Snowma?




Frost bite!

10. You get winded from knocking on the door

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you

8. You ask for high fiber candy only

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6, People say,"Great Boris Karloff Mask" and you're not even wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or....." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You keep having to go home to pee.

Yield: 1 Day

~*~*~*~BREAKFAST~*~*~*~

1/2 Grapefruit
1 sl Whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz Skim milk


~*~*~*~LUNCH~*~*~*~

4 oz Lean broiled chicken breast
1 c Steamed spinach
1 c Herb tea
1 Oreo cookie


~*~*~*~MIDAFTERNOON SNACK~*~*~*~

Rest of Oreos in the package
2 pt Rocky Road ice cream
1 Jar hot fudge sauce
Nuts
Cherries
Whipped cream


~*~*~*~DINNER~*~*~*~

2 Loaves garlic bread with - cheese
1 lg Sausage, mushroom & cheese
-pizza
4 cn Beer OR
1 lg Pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy
-bars


Rules for this diet:

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no
calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories
in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot
chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. (Example: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, or Tootsie Rolls).

Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

Things licked off knives or spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples: peanut butter on a knife while making sandwiches or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream or mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substitited for any other food color.

The phone rang as we were sitting down to dinner. I answered it and was greeted with, "Is this William Wagenhoss?"

This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?" The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that. I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood."

I turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had called a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear at the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At this point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My food was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.

yes lol

nobleheart: hahaha Oh my!! did you notice the one in the oven?? LOL

well its funny...lol..ty
---
http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/doughboy.jpg
http://www.tournamentofstuff.com/pillsbirycartoon.JPG

Reminds me of that song, "Wet Dreams". Anyone know it?

nobleheart: it was sent to me in an email.. :) it has been out for several years.. and I think it had been posted on here before.. just thought I would share..

ScarletRose: LSHIPML..fthats very clever ScarletRose,did u make that up or find it?

Sad News It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. If this made you smile for even a brief second, please take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that kneads it.

ScarletRose: LOL my daughter loved it thanks.

:)

Happy Halloween

some fun stuff
weird-search-engines

strange stuff search engine
http://www.altervistas.com/

find a grave search engine
http://findagrave.com/index.html
http://findagrave.com/php/famous.php?page=gSearch&page=gSearch&globalSearchCriteria=

find the weather history of a place on any date
http://www.weatherunderground.com/history/airport/EDDI/1998/12/3/DailyHistory.html

find song lyrics re any keyword entered search engine
http://www.searchlyrics.org/?artist=&song=&lyric=ketchup

1.) go to www.google.com

2.) type in failure

3.) press the I'm feeling lucky button (instead of the google search
one)

4). Laugh

5) Forward to others before the Google folks fix this!

http://www.gatorgazette.net/vol1issue4/images/Alligator%20Joke.gif

http://www.paradiseawaits.com/Cyber/joke.gif

http://ottawa-blues-jazz.ncf.ca/stickman2.gif

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there
aren't any.

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

You wake up and discover your water-bed broke, and then realize that you
don't have a water-bed.

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group
of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You wake up and your braces are locked together.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your paycheck bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

Your wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.

...or someone might crack"the pink whip"
--
why dont we find some(clean) men jokes:
http://onsitetechsnet.com/blog/media/1/20050402-Women-&-Men-Joke.jpg
http://www.chemistryquestion.jp/images/joke/If%20men%20did%20housework.jpg
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y238/hillarydl/LadiesKitchenAccesory.jpg
http://www.crazy-jokes.com/pictures/perfect-man.jpg
http://www.oursworld.net/ingilizce-ders/karikatur/dergi-karikatur/sixtymiles.jpg
http://members.tripod.com/~joke_joker/ironman.jpg
http://www.crazy-jokes.com/pictures/perfect-male.jpg

A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, "How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?" "Um, just a minute, if you please," he murmured. Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally polite, "Thank you," as the phone went dead.

Two blondes are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob.

"Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't
want all the nitro in the boot to explode."

"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box
under the seat . . . "

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'

There was 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde 1 brunette and a red-head. The city where they wanted to be was 20 miles away with sea between the the island and the city. The red-head swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette sawm 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back!!

http://www.scienceyear.com/sciteach/jokes/images/08OldJoke.jpg

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.

He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid -the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I
sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do
you think kept bidding against you?"

Lamby: It almost looks like his head is on fire with a gray flame! :)

neither was just walking along the river edge