Calvin sees Elmer and asks: What’s up?

Elmer says; first I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis.

Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations.

Calvin says: Boy, you had a time!
Elmer: I’ll say! I thought I’d never pull trough that spelling test.

A blond was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART???

WAL-MART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

Thad: Same as when wrote "ATM machine" down below.

ATM = Automatic Teller Machine

So saying "ATM Machine" is like saying Automatic Teller Machine Machine

The town founder had passed away and the whole town turned out, as did his family who arrived from all over the globe. This threw the mortuary into an uproar. They had some employees doing two or three jobs and others switching jobs to get everything done.

After the chapel services, all the members of the funeral party piled into the different cars for the drive to the cemetery. The procession was very long, and one group of family members, not knowing their way, decided to ask the driver how much further it would be. The patriarch tapped the driver on the shoulder, and said, "Pardon me....."

The driver let out a scream and turned with a grimace of horror to see who had tapped him. In doing so, he drove the car into the ditch and through a farmer's fence, almost overturning it.

After calming everyone down, the driver somberly explained, "I'm so sorry for what happened, but you see, I usually drive the hearse."

nobleheart: http://coan.net/bk-smile/20/0358.jpg

Summertop: Actually if you bought $1000 of Nortel stock a year ago from today, it would be worth about $1005.48

I don't think they were selling Enron or Worldcom stock a year ago, which case you would have lost no money.

.... if you want to get technical and ignore the fact that this is the joke board.

Classic Calvin & Hobbes cartoons - Snowmen collection

http://coan.net/bk-smile/6/calvin's.gif

If your browser auto-shrinks it to fit the screen, you will need to hover/click on image and tell it to expand to full 100% size to be able to read it.

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever
after in London.

However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did
manage to communicate with her Husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy Chicken legs.

She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation,
clucked like a chicken And lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message, and gave her the Chicken legs.

The next Day, she needed to get chicken breasts.

Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken
and unbuttoned her blouse to show the Butcher her breasts!

The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken Breasts.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.

Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to The
store...



(Please scroll down)







What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they
got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the
groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The
groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The
wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom
leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going
to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

http://coan.net/bk-smile/19/funny_sign_15.jpg

http://coan.net/bk-smile/19/collegehumor.86969.451xAUTO.jpg

... and 2 non-church sign:

http://coan.net/bk-smile/19/collegehumor.16212.451xAUTO.jpg

http://coan.net/bk-smile/20/normal_103-0304_IMG.jpg

http://coan.net/bk-smile/20/collegehumor.1599562.451xAUTO.jpg

Church Sign

http://coan.net/bk-smile/20/ohgodsm.jpg

The key to that joke is that 127.0.0.1 is the loop back address - which means on any computer, that address loops back to your own computer.

... so he was "hacking" himself.

danoschek: Funny - 5 minutes later after reading all that, I wonder if it's that funny to non-computer people.

Only in the US. . .

http://coan.net/bk-smile/8/only-in-usa.jpg

Summertop: No, here is some baby food:

http://coan.net/bk-smile/7/baby_burger.jpg

A test. (oh, I got 7 our of 10)

http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

Catch fly with chopsticks game (Sorry, probable will not work with WebTV)

http://www2.abc.net.au/fly/flysui/flysui.html

Coke:

http://www.snopes.com/cokelore/acid.asp
http://www.snopes.com/cokelore/cokelore.asp

Grampa AD: I've just collected things like that from the web and kept it - hard telling where I actually got it from.

Like ths - A bomb squade practical joke!

http://coan.net/bk-smile/8/bomb-squad-practical-joke.jpg

Grampa AD: http://coan.net/bk-smile/cartoons/mcsaddam.gif

Your calvin "Flush" / Bath.

I have an animated gif of that:

http://coan.net/bk-smile/3small/gavin.gif

Remember Calvin & Hobbs cartoons?

Well here are a series of my FAVORITE!

http://coan.net/bk-smile/6/calvin's.gif

NOTE: Image is VERY TALL - so if your browser reduces images to fit the screen, you may need to click on the image and/or EXPAND the image to make it easier to read.

One of the best tattoo's I have seen (or maybe a sticker or paint - but still very funny!)

http://coan.net/bk-smile/cartoons2/post-17-10970508990.jpg

PROOF that Girls are EVIL!

A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

Boss says to the worker, "Why aren't you working?"
Worker replies, " I didn't see you coming."


Worker sees his boss trying to get a paper shredder working.
"Hey boss, let me help you". The sheet of paper goes in without a problem.
The boss says, "Thank you, now I need three copies."

Some people are like Slinkies... generally useless, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Doctor calls a patient:
"I've got bad news and worst news. Which do you want first?"
"Jeez doc, give me the bad news first"
"You've only got 24 hours to live"
"My God, if that's the bad news, what could be worst than that?"
"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday".

I posted this awhile back - one of my favorite jokes, so I'll repost it again!

= = = = = = = = = = =

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MY PEOPLES BED! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY

Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

... followed by 1321132132111213122112311311222113111221131221

which brings up the question: Why even have a moderator like Purple who will read the post, but not Moderate them?

Turn on switch #1, leave it on for a little bit.

Then turn off switch #1, then turn on switch #2.

Go into the other room.

The light that is on goes to switch #2
The light bulb which is warm goes to switch #1
The light bulb which is cold goes to switch #3

If computers have no doors or fences, who needs Windows and Gates?

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MY PEOPLES BED! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY

Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

52, then 58, then 66 - and now i'm stopping because I have other things to do then mess with this drunk! :-)

Oh.. I get it now. You spamming all the boards is a cool joke! Not sure if I understand it, but cool anyway.... :-)

no, nothing that needs deleted - it's pretty cool. (Yea, shocked the heck out of me also!)

Picture of The President of the USA

Caption: "Um sir... um.... nevermind"

I would think that there is not more money printed for Monopoly EVERY DAY then the US Treasury...

Now average over a year, that is probable true. But I would guess that they don't ALWAYS EVERY DAY print more Monopoly then the Treasury. (But that is just my guess - I don't know of any fact to back me up.)

Coca-Cola was never green - that is a false urban legend.

Now one of the orifinal bottles used was green, but the actually soda has always been the same color. :-)

BBW - The Pop Expert POPCAN.ORG

Ok, seen this posted on GT, but I kind of liked it and felt like sharing it.

BrainKing.info pootified!

Michael Jackson needs your help!

Escape from Neverland on-line game.

You are Michael Jackson - you need to capture the kids before they escape and tell authorities.

Its a on-line game - requires Flash. Check it out - kind of cheesy, but interesting.

BBW (BIG BAD WOLF)

Did you know that 83% of all stats are made up! WOW!