Rose: Absolutely!!

Rose: What a hoot...what about the guy in the newly bought Maserati!!
Scary thing is that I used to date a guy that was Italian and did own a pair of black leather pants and looked good in them!!! Yes, he wore them out in public on more than one occassion.

BananaD: Well, in the 80's I owned a pair myself! haha!
It was the thing to do!

Rose: I know, but this was mid 90's!!!

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands
him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more
times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little
old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

During their silver anniversary, a wife was reminiscing at length to her husband. He nodded a lot and even managed a few "Yes, dear"s but every attempt to add a memory of his own was pushed aside by the arrival of his wife's next thought. Eventually she recalled one of the truly special moments. "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t even speak for an hour?". In the brief pause during which she savoured that moment, the hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was also the happiest hour of my life."

A professor gave a big test. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor saw that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
"She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

cute: http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf

lisa56: cute!

lisa56: i got 300 points first round.... poor daffy...

redfrog: I don't seem to get any more that 600. I've had this for a while. Please don't try to jump without pulling the chute. he he he

lisa56: oh now ive got to go try... be right back....

lisa56: lololol SPLAT......

Wife comes in from shopping and sees her hubby swatting flies. "How you doing" she says to him. "Good" he says "I have kiiled two male flies and three female flies" "How did you know the sex of them" she said. "Well two were on the tv and three were on the phone"

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a
grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last
she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is



700,000.



(B) Deaths attended by Physicians



per year are



120,000.



(C) Deaths per physician



is



0.171.



Statistics courtesy of



U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



Now think about this:



Guns:



(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.



is



80,000,000.



(Yes, that's 80 million..)



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



accidental gun deaths



per year, all age groups,



is



1,500.



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The number of accidental deaths



per gun owner



is



.000188



Statistics courtesy of FBI



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



So, statistically, doctors are approximately



9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,



BUT



ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



Please alert your friends



to this



alarming threat.



We must ban doctors



before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



Out of concern for the public at large,



I have withheld the statistics on



lawyers



for fear the shock would cause



people to panic and seek medical attention.

Summertop: ROFL just what I need to start my day some good humour.

yeah, I liked that one!

"Dogs have owners, cats have staff." - Unknown
"To please himself only, the cat purrs." - Irish Proverb

"The last thing I would accuse a cat of is innocence." - Edward Paley (1786- 1847)

"Honest as the Cat when the meat's out of reach." - Old English saying

"There are no ordinary cats." - Colette

"The smallest feline is a masterpiece." - Leonardo da Vinci

"Nothing's more playful than a young cat, nor more grave than an old one." - Thomas Fuller

"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln

http://tiny.wz.cz/Pics/pic08942.jpg

For those who always wondered where they went..

Google Doodle Google Doodle Google Doodle Google Doodle Google Doodle Google

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an
18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about
that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have
an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day
when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit
sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang'
and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Summertop: Those guns always go off when you don't want them to LOL

http://www.goducky.com/

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPI
NG MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________


HAPPINES
S

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________


LONGEVI
TY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________


PROPENS
ITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________


DISCUSS
ION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED



Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH

AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.

A woman in her forties was at home happily jumping on her
bed and
squealing with delight.
Her
husband watched her for a while and said, "Do you have
any idea
how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't
care. I
just
came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the
breasts of
an
18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 46 year old
ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

prettymama: ALWAYS LIKED THAT!!!!!!!

Drunk Cowboy

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three
entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're
only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The
usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you
don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The
usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and
in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to
move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas
Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then
asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving
a muscle, Sam replied,

"... the balcony..."

amandalove: I have some clever,mathematicial & physics limmericks I could not post here if anyone is interested

nobleheart: I am.

If you bought $1000 of Nortel stock a year ago, it would now be worth $49.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.

With WorldCom,you would have less than $5 left.

Now, if you bought $1,000 worth of Beer over the past year, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.

Based on these figures, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program.

I call it my 401Keg

Summertop: Hear! Hear! And it goes quite well with my current job.

Sitting on the porch drinking cold beer with the neighbors.

Summertop: You got me thinking. If instead you bought keg beer instead of cans you might do better in the recycling market. Going price for a keg of domestic is around $75, plus you have to put a deposit on the kegs of about $20. $1000 will get you 13 kegs and $25 change back. After drinking all the beer you can get $260 for retunring the kegs. I realize for an initial investment of $1235 a return of $260 is only slightly better than your very good advice, but you can further increase the yield by having some friends come over and kick in some money for a few beers. Now you can party with your friends, drink a lot of beer, and maybe even turn a profit! :)

Summertop: Actually if you bought $1000 of Nortel stock a year ago from today, it would be worth about $1005.48

I don't think they were selling Enron or Worldcom stock a year ago, which case you would have lost no money.

.... if you want to get technical and ignore the fact that this is the joke board.

Walter Montego: I'm calling my local beer distributor right now! Interstingly enough I applied for a job there three weeks ago when my company went out of business. :) I do believe in the product.

Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Summertop: I hadn't thought of that, but yeah you're right. :)

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Floyd Krieger: why, yes it is, very funny!

Love that every time I hear it, Sarah!

Sarah1980: What's funny is...I had a neighbor that actually DID groom her lawn with scissors.

Floyd Krieger: Perhaps you'll see the humor of it when you no longer need to use the cane?

Floyd Krieger: I don't know whether you are a native English speaker or not (you are not flying a flag) but speling allso nedes sum intelegince.

You may be suffering from an irony deficiency. Perhaps you should abandon the jokes board and try somewhere else.

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Eriisa:ROFL now thats funny