ANGELS

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. So God called one of the angels and sent
the angel to Earth. When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on

Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a
second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and
sent him to earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true The
earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being
good, because he wanted to encourage them...give them a little
something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?




Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either.

Sarah1980: ROFL!!!!

Sarah1980: That was a good one

Sarah1980 LOL

Sarah1980: I triple checked my e-mail! nothing in there! Must be a glitch with yahoo or something! lol

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling. 3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

A little old lady answered

a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young

man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

" Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a

couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest

in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"

and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed

it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least

seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure

from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned

good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

<A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final
> > plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
> > $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000
> > milestone money.
> > As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover.
> > It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
> > nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
> >
> > A) the condor;
> > B) the buzzard;
> > C) the cuckoo; or
> > D) the vulture?"
> > The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly
> > on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience
> > Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and
the
> > woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because
the
> > only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the
> > contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the
> > question and the four choices.
> > The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The
> > cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
> > considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer
except
> > the one that her friend had given her.
> > And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the
> > logical thing to do. On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with
> > such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but
be
> > persuaded.
> >
> > "I need an answer," said Regis.
> >
> > Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
> >
> > "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
> >
> > "Yes, that is my final answer."
> >
> > Two seconds la ter, Regis ! said, "I regret to inform you that the
answer
> > is ............ absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
> >
> > Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends
> > including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
> >
> > "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
> > "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
> > millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness
> > with which you answered the question that persuaded me to go with your
> > choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"
> >
> > "Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that
> > cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.

When you are sad........I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the idiot that mad you sad.

When you are scared........I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried........I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.

When you are confused........I will use little words to explain it to your =$*&&#^s.

When you are lost........I will answer my cell phone and give you directions.

When you are sick........I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.

When you fall.......I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.



This is my oath I pledge till the end.
Why? You may ask.
Because you're my friend

amandalove: lol

http://www.samstoybox.com/toypics/jokebooks/jbj01.jpg

nobleheart: Hello Stranger!

knights from the old time must adapt to new age .

http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/1015/medievalbike8nt.jpg

Maxxina: Now that is a mighty steed indeed! lol

its sad to said that . But girls are evil :)

There is a proof

http://img461.imageshack.us/img461/3894/girlsareevil0vx.gif

(running away very fast) :D

Maxxina: ROFL!!!!! I had to print that one out!

he he he there is much truth in humour eh Maxxina...nice one

http://www.bayshirts.com/Girlsrevil.htm

http://www.bayshirts.com/Innocent.htm
http://www.teezz.co.uk/images/humour/karma-dogma-132-tn.gif
http://www.borderdogs.com/funnytshirts.jpg
http://www.ixtreme.com/pictures/fullsize/thumbs/bombtechnicianThumb.jpg
http://www.ixtreme.com/pictures/random.asp?pictureid=479&title=funny%20pictures
( this one comes with a discount if you buy 12 )
http://www.hotoffthepressonline.com/wizbrain.jpg
how it all started:
http://modernfreaktshirts.com/ChoicesPics/adamandeve04.gif

Once upon a time there was a man who asked a woman to marry him, she said no and the man lived happily ever after.

gooner: This is a board for jokes, not reality. LOL

The Usurper: I didn't know what true happiness was till I got married....then it was too late.

The Usurper: ah you don't know from funny

http://www.realpagessites.com/lewisowensandmulherin/images/falling.jpg
http://www.greaterthings.com/Humor/Images/polar_bear_slip.jpg
http://www.mctague.org/carl/fun/pie/pie-face-2.jpg
http://www.bubbaswholesale.com/Products/JK_WHOO3.jpg
http://users.adelphia.net/~getjeffrey/Private/Moe_Curly.jpg

Summertop: LOL! That was pretty funny not to be a joke.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over & said, "Stop! Don't do it!... There's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!"

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

He said, "Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

The CEO of Inghams Chicken managed to arrange a meeting with the Pope at
the Vatican. After receiving the Papal blessing, he whispered, “Your
Holiness, we have an offer for you. Inghams is prepared to donate $100
million dollars to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give
us this day our daily bread’ to, ‘give us this day our daily chicken.’”

The Pope responded, “That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed.”

“Well,” said the Inghams man, “we anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we
require is that you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our
daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.’”

Again, the Pope replied, “That, my son, is impossible, for the prayer is
the word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

Finally, the Inghams’ CEO said, “Your Holiness, we at Inghams respect
your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will
donate $500 million dollars – that’s half a billion dollars – to the
great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from
‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily
chicken.’ Please consider it.”

And he left.

The next day the Pope convened the College of Cardinals. “There is some
good news,” he announced, “and some bad news.” “The good news is that
the Church will come into $500 million dollars.”

“And the bad news, Your Holiness?” asked a Cardinal.

”We’re losing the Tip Top Account.”

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old man wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but ladies of the night and rugby players there."

"Is that so?" replied the manager, adding, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" the boy responded. "Who'd she play for?"

skipinnz: Is TipTop a bakery?

Rose:sure is, sorry thought they were big enough to be international.

skipinnz: Not in Canada I'm afraid. I figured it must be. The only TipTop we have here is a tailer shop franchise!

Good joke tho!

skipinnz: I got it! And it's funnier still because my dad works for a Chicken Franchise company as the Franchise Operations Manager and they use Inghams as the supplier :-)

skipinnz: That joke is funny... but true. A long time ago, the Vatican added fish as acceptable food to eat during Lent... during that time, the Pope's family owned a large fishing fleet. Go figure... politics even in religion!

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the councelor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

A blonde, an elephant, a priest and a rabbi walk n a bar carring a lightbulb.
The bartender says: "What is this, some kind of joke?"

I have to admit that's cute even tho I like Pedro & hope you get banned soon. lol

2 cannibals were eating a comedian,one looked up at the other & said"does this taste funny to you?"

har har ho ho hee hee

find & post a link to a funny pic,here mine:

http://www.blolg.com/wp-content/images/october/_Billboard_Cleaning.jpg

nobleheart: http://coan.net/bk-smile/20/0358.jpg

Here's a story that's a personal favorite of mine:

http://www.brefigroup.co.uk/acrobat/rocks_and_beer.pdf

how did I get a doggie face¿

BIG BAD WOLF: lol

If con is the opposite of pro.
What's the opposite of Congress?

**Interesting!

----

A man is at a bus stop, Pikachu is in front of him and won't get on the bus. What does he do?

Poke-him-on! (Pokemon)

**I heard this today at a big conference... Not many understood it!

----

Two men walk into a bar. What did the third do?

Duck!

**Thank my GF for that one!

----

What do you call a man with no legs, no arms, and trying to swim?

Bob

**I heard this on Spring Break!

----

What do you call a woman with only one leg?

Ilene

**I heard this on Spring Break!

----

Where did the lioness keep her zebra legs?

You'll never find out, shes a lion!

**I made this one up. What do you think?

http://img239.imageshack.us/img239/4007/haveaniceday5kt.jpg

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or
wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next
time
you open a box of chocolates:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona
when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As
the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the
journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the
Navajo
woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything
she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag
on
the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of
chocolates.
I got it for my husband."

"The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

What's dangerous and hides in trees?

The Usurper: Escaped convicts?