They once said that a black man would be President when pigs flew.

His first 100 days and - wham , Pig's flu !!!

rabbitoid:
Too bad it is impossible to translate

This is just the best letter EVER!!!! Dam, it’s really great!!!</font>

</font>

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter. (Some photos attached to the letters are missing)


State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:


SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear
Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in
this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District
Representative and Water Management Division.



Here is the actual response sent back by Mr.. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File
No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

</font>

These photos are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws,
annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the dammed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007 ? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS </font>

Bill Gates, an old man, a hippy and a pilot are in a plane. There are only three parachutes. The plane catches fire. The pilot takes one of the three parachutes and jumps. Bill Gates says: " I am the most clever man of the earth, I must save my life because the world needs me ! "
BiIl takes a parachute and jumps. The old man says to the hippy: " I am old and you, you are young, you must save your life. " The hippy answers him: " don't worry my brother, the most clever man of the world has just taken my backpack ! "

A blonde woman and a lawyer are in a plane. To spend the time, the lawyer suggests a game to the blonde. She is tired, so she doesn't answer and pretends to sleep. The lawyer tries again in another way: " You ask me a question and, if I don't find, I give you 500 Euros. Then, I ask you a question, but if you don't find the answer, you give me only 5 Euros ! " The blonde woman says ok. The lawyer begins: " What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon? ". The blonde gives him 5 Euros et asks him in her turn : " What has 3 legs by going up the mountain and 4 by going it down? ".
Then she turns her back to him and falls asleep. The lawyer reflects, consults Internet with his mobile phone, riffles through an online encyclopaedia, questions his neighbours discreetly. Unsuccessfully. He fails. After several hours of intense reflection, he wakes the blonde woman up, who pockets 500 Euros.
Good loser but a little frustrated, the lawyer would really like to know : " Well, what is the answer? ". Without saying a word, the blonde woman holds a 5 euros note out to him and goes back to sleep.

One of the funniest "most embarrassing moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE'.

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word tampax' for THUMBTACKS'. In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'

Sometimes, when you cry, nobody notices your tears.
Sometimes, when you feel sad, nobody notices your sorrow.
Sometimes, when you are happy, nobody notices your smile.
But fart just once...

The white king Marshalled all his forces to crush the black king, but he didn't expect the battle to Dragon for as long as it did. The knights clashed at the Fischery, which startled the Birds. Kaspar ov Greendale served as the white army's chaplain and chief bishop, And Derssen was the chief of the pawn army. Cap. Ablanca was the rook commander.

The knight went to the Mag Nus Smithy to have his sword fixed.

Mik Hailed John for his Fisching ability.

The expert battle tactician said, "Paul, Mor Feasible plans are needed."

cowboynoel: Non chess players might have a bit of trouble with those

A group of 40-year-olds discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally they agree to meet at Mario’s restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally they agree to meet at Mario’s because the food there is very good and the wine selection isn’t bad.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again agrees to meet at Mario’s because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again agrees to meet at Mario’s because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again agrees to meet at Mario’s because they have never been there before!

pgt: The up side of being 80 is that all your enemies are dead...including the doctors who told you to quit smoking.

pgt: Very good !

Purple: Oh yes !

I don't mind getting old...

... it's the aging I don't like.

Walter Montego: Yeah! But getting old and aging sure beats the alternative!

Tuesday: They say the last check you should write should be to your undertaker..and it should bounce! lol

A state trooper noticed a car driving along the highway very slowly. His radar clocked the vehicle at 22 mph. The trooper, worried that the driver might be in trouble, turned on his siren and brought the slow moving car to a stop.
The driver was an elderly man. In the back seat sat two old ladies. both trembling with fright. What's wrong , officer? asked the driver. i was driving the speed limit, It was on the sign back there.
The troper realized what had happened. Sir, that wasn't the speed limit sign, that was the route number. The speed limit is 65. You're on highway 22.
Oh, the man said with a nod. Sorry about that.
The trooper looked into the back seat. Are they all right?
Those are my sisters, said the driver. They'll be fine. We just got off highway 175.

Bwild: i like that

If I knew then what I know now, I don't think it would have taken as long.

I think that when asked, "Why did the chicken cross the road?", that we must first ask if it is a whole, live chicken, or just a piece of chicken. Secondly, and where it is a whole, live chicken, I think that we should ask, seriously, if it is a sentient being, capable even of knowing that there is a road. And thirdly, I think we should face the profound dilemma that we may then find ourselves in; that we are not chickens.

Markgm:Obviously the chicken was running from Colonel Sanders. Wise choice.

You know, I forgot to ask if the chicken propels itself.
I would think if would have to be live, and whole enough to propel itself to consider the question any further.

You wrote, "Why do we call each other scaredy cat or chicken when cowardly or maybe making a wise choice?"

Well, maybe because we're too afraid to cross the road. And maybe we are afraid of chickens, because they are not afraid to cross the road. We even wonder if they know if there is a road, but we stand humiliated next to them when they do cross the road.

From Roberta Frosty:

I once stood on a path in a wood
where chickens went left
and man once stood.
But I went left that day,
and I was not a chicken,
and then there was all of the
difference that made.

Cheers -

Sarah:

Sarah: That's a joke I can understand, I didn't get the clue in those chickens probably is my English to bad and Markgm your last message something for the poetry-board?

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

In due time, he did pass away, and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles said, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side. Finding the water only knee deep, she said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they rowed a little farther out.

Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, "No, this will never do; the water is only up to my chest."

So on they rowed and rowed and rowed, and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time went by, and poor Bubbles was really getting worried when suddenly Barbie broke the surface, gasping for breath.

"Well, is it deep enough yet, sis?"

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."

puupia:

When I was a young boy my family spent many summers down in Atlantic City. When walking the boardwalk you would often come across an old gentleman wearing a straw hat. He always had the same joke to tell:
"If you cantaloupe, what will your honeydew?" :-)

Carl: LOL Yes, I need a drink too

BREAKING NEWS: CNN just reported that BP replaced the oil cap with a wedding ring and it has immediately stopped putting out!!! News at 11

Jim Dandy:

Jim Dandy:

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?" the teacher asked.

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking," Janie replied.

Three year old Butchy is sitting on the toilet. After some time had passed, his mother thinks he's been in there a long time and goes to see what's up.


Butchy is sitting there on the toilet looking at a book. But, every few seconds he puts his book down, grips the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.


Mother asks, "Butchy, are you alright? You've been in here a long time." Butchy replies, "I'm okay, but didn't go doody, yet."


Mom says, "Okay, you can stay here a little longer but why are you hitting yourself on top of the head?" To which, Butchy replies...


"Works for ketchup!"

atheism - its a non prophet organisation

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst
into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t
stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left
my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the
gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve;
then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough
about
me,
how's your day going?"

When a little girl takes her pussycat to school to protect from her daddy, is in my opinion very family friendly