Beren the 32nd: snicker
good one!!
I'd LOVE to see SNL do a sketch based on this!

ScarletRose: I've read this before...and as before, I was laughing sooo hard, even before I began to read....cause I knew what was comeing.

Thank you for posting this gem!

thud...falls into Ludwigs grave

Oh dear...I would be the first one in the water then...Eye surgery...here I come! If I haven't drowned first...

I can't make out the fine print at the bottom...

LMAOROF....Nirvana!!!

A bus load of people trying out one of the new reality TV 'Makeover' shows was comeing back from the auditions when it went off the side of a mountain.

When the people were at the Pearly Gates, God said..."I will grant you one wish before you enter."

The first in line said, "Make me beautiful."

Poof...it was done.

Time after time when the next stepped up to have their wish granted, they wished to be beautiful.

Poof...all were granted this wish.

God started noticing the very last person in line starting to chuckle...
and by the time it was their turn, this person was down right howling with laughter.

When it was this persons turn, and God asked what wish was to be granted, the person replied...

"Change 'em all back."

where DO you find this stuff
( still giggeling )

Must return to site to see if I can play 'How much is that doggy in the window'

Dam!

I started to howl the moment I read they were at a psych. hospital...I knew what was comeing...I used to work for a private hospital in Phx. and we would get the same dubious response when we would order food to be delivered on the graveyard shift.

JUst to mess with the delivery people, we would sometimes have the biggest orderly put on a hospital gown..slippers and answer the door ( right off the 'Seclusion Room' ) laughing gleefuly....
After awhile, the dispatcher would try and get the newest driver to deliver...
Ahhhh....goodtimes...

I started to howl the moment I read they were at a psych. hospital...I knew what was comeing...I used to work for a private hospital in Phx. and we would get the same dubious response when we would order food to be delivered on the graveyard shift.

JUst to mess with the delivery people, we would sometimes have the biggest orderly put on a hospital gown..slippers and answer the door ( right off the 'Seclusion Room' ) laughing gleefuly....
After awhile, the dispatcher would try and get the newest driver to deliver...
Ahhhh....goodtimes...

...This is why cats attack their owners.

You go, daddyO....well said!

A man walks up to the checkout counter at the local store.

He buys:

1 can of soup

1 bar of soap

1 bottle of water

1 TV dinner

The checkout girl looks at him and says, 'So..you're single.'

'How did you know that?' he asks.

The girl replies 'Cause you're freakin' ugly!'

A bum walked up to me on the street and said he hadn't had a bite all week....So I bit him.

epilogue:

1) Got arrested

2) Had to be tested...

3) 3 months probation...

4) Had to attend 'Anger management' course...

5) 100 hours of community service...

6) Charged with assault...

7) Slaped with a law suit...

8) Lost my job because of all the jail time..

9) I'm apparently now the girlfriend of a woman named Big Bert....

10) I've lost all will to EVER be literal about any joke...

The dumbest man in the world went to a bar and got realllllllly drunk.

As he is leaving the bar he sees a very beautiful woman and thinks to himself that this would be a good time to try and score.

He jumps the startled woman and starts to grab and her and pull her clothes off.

She responds to his amorous affections by useing pepper spray and pretty much beating the stuffing out of him with her shoe before running away screaming for help.

The police round up all characters in the area of the attack with his discription and they are to be placed in a line up.

The dumbest man in the world is on his way into the line up room, when he sees the woman in the hallway.

And starts screaming, 'There she is...that's her!'

Check this out for Airline Humor

Oweee...my sides hurt from laughing so hard...
Am I comeing down with something? Is that Death I hear knocking at my door?
OMG Harley! Thank you! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time!

L M A O....fart...BOOM...holding sides ...But Linda...you wern't supposed to tell any more tales of my family...BOOM..L O L!

L O L @ taurec!

LOL...but I talked to Carson from 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' and he feels it was more of a chartruse, and NOT the best colour to be sporting when captured.

Question) How many Saddam Insanes does it take to change a light bulb?

Anwser) Only one....and Mr. Insane will kill any one who disagrees.

Now THAT is freakin FUNNY!!!! LMAO!!!

You obviously aren't American, so I can see why you don't get it, it was just a post. Let it go.

No...the joke is that a terrorist like Hussein figured he could run and hide. The joke was on him!

Because this is a board...and lots of people read this board, and it made me laugh.

Saddam Hussein has been captured.

They wanted to have a baby, but try as the would, no baby.
After many test were run at the doctors office, one more was needed.
"Ole", said the doctor, "I want you to take this cup home, and bring me back a specimen".
"You betcha Doc." said Ole.
Two days the couple returned to the doctors office. But there wasn't anything in the cup.
"Doc" says Ole, "I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with my right. Lena here, She tried it with her left hand, she tried it with her right. Jeeze, Doc, she even tried it with her teeth in, she tried it with 'em out." sighed Ole. "We just couldn't get the cap off that little jar you gave us."

LMAO BIG TIME!!!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

HANZ BLIX:..We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq Ambassador)...The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

RALPH NADER...The chickens' habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzeling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN...To steal a job from decent, hard-working Americans.

RUSH LIMBAUGH...I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help the chickens with crossing-the-road-syndrome. Can you beieve this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars,and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, moey the government took from you to build roads for the chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART...No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmers market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

GRANDMA and GRANDPA...In our day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Some one told us that chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Oh my god ScarletRose....LMAO

Why did the chicken cross the road? MR. ERNEST HEMMINGWAY.."To die. In the rain. Alone"...GEORGE W. BUSH.."We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here."....COLIN POWELL.."Now at the left of the sereen, you clearly see the satelite image of the chicken crossing the road."...AL GORE.."I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people".... KARL MARX.."It was an historical inevitabilty.".. FOX MULDER.."You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?"...SIGMUND FREUD.."The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insercurity....."COLONEL SANDERS..."I missed one?"

This was a long time ago, when my daughter was 3 yrs' old. I was reading a book, very engrossed, when I heard a thump come from my daughters room, useing 'Mom Radar', I didn't sense or hear anything to alert me to Heather being in any danger. So engrossed in the book I was reading, I didn't hear my door open until out of the corner of my eye I could see her bent over, holding her knee with her little hand, and moaning, "Oh my God, Mom...Oh my God". I'm thinking 'What the Heck?' When I put the book down and see BLOOD streaming down her little leg. she had knocked off a very large scab, and the bleeding was amazeing for such a small child. I screamed "Oh My God!", and she looked at me and said, "See!... Oh my God Mom".

A baby boy was born to a couple who waited 20 yrs. into their marrage to finally conceive..But the boy was born without a body..sadly he only had a head..But the couple vowed Bobby would have the best life possible...He grew up happy...The day came for his first day at school..He was so excited that when he awoke he BOUNCED out of bed, rolled down to the breakfast table, slurped up all his breakfast, jumped up to give both beaming and proud parents a smooch and rolled to the bus stop to wait with all of his friends for the school bus AND THERE SHE WAS! The cute little red headed girl that had just moved into the neighborhood..One look and Bobby was in love...so he rolled up to her and confessed his feelings for her..The cute little red headed girl, haveing not been raised around Bobby, like his friends had, was at a lost for words, but managed to reply to him, "The only way I could love you...er...is if you were a grape!"...That night Bobby prayed like he had never prayed before, not asking for a body, not asking for gold to buy a body, just asking to become a grape so that the cute little red headed girl would love him. Lo and BEHOLD the next morning he awoke to find his prayers had been anwsered...HE WAS A GRAPE!!! He rolled out of bed, didn't even stop for breakfast, and rolled to the bus stop anxiously skittering back and forth till she finally arrived.." Look cute little red headed girl! I'm a grape! Now you can love me!" The cute little red headed girl looked at Bobby, picked him up and said, " You're so stupid" She then droped kicked Bobby into the street, where he was squashed by the school bus....The moral of the story?...He should have quit while he was a head.