Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter!)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine

My business luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work
its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to
go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal