For those who always wondered where they went..

Google Doodle Google Doodle Google Doodle Google Doodle Google Doodle Google

A professor gave a big test. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor saw that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

During their silver anniversary, a wife was reminiscing at length to her husband. He nodded a lot and even managed a few "Yes, dear"s but every attempt to add a memory of his own was pushed aside by the arrival of his wife's next thought. Eventually she recalled one of the truly special moments. "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t even speak for an hour?". In the brief pause during which she savoured that moment, the hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was also the happiest hour of my life."

Rose: Absolutely!!

amandalove: LOL. And a happy New Year to you, too!

A woman goes to the Post Office to buy Stamps for her Christmas Cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps."

The Clerk says, "What denominations?"

The woman says, "God help us, has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Baptist, 10 Lutheran and 22 Presbyterian.

Beren the 32nd: Lol. Only if you're a bag lady. For other folks I think it's a tram.

rabbitoid: LOL!

Eriisa: It's based on the properties of the number 9. Try a few different starting numbers... ;-) Then make a list of countries and animals... Mine wasn't kangaroo or orange, btw. I'm a 2%er. Whoohoo!!

amandalove: Every one a pearl! :-))

We have go through this at some point in life:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes.I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan
sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes,
an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder
on sigh and copy...rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."

An elderly man and woman were talking, and the man said, "Hey I just bought a new hearing aid the other day. The best hearing aid I've ever had. The thing cost over $4,000."

"Great! What kind is it?" the woman asked.

"About 12:30," said the man.

A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies, "You don't need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist."

The man says, "Yes, I know."

The dentist asks, "Then why did you come in here?"

The man says, "The light was on."

A lorry driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside and presently a trio of Hells Angels came in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a bite from it, the second one took a slurp of the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down the apple pie.

The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left.

When he was gone, one of the Angels sneered, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied, "He's just backed his lorry over three motorcycles."

An English teacher wrote the words:
    Woman without her man is nothing
on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote:
    Woman, without her man, is nothing.

The women wrote:
    Woman. Without her, man is nothing.

This is a true story told to me by a friend and edited down a bit.

Kevin, on holiday with some friends, walks into a bar and sees his friends already there at a table, except for one, Larry, who was standing at the far end of the bar waiting for his order of drinks. There's a sign posted on the wall, visible just above Larry's head. It says "No Gambling".

On coming inside Kevin spots Larry and then the sign. He points at it, calling out in a voice loud enough to reach Larry, and therefore everyone else, "I bet they don't enforce that here!"

That slowly gathers the bar's patron's attentions as Larry swivels his head up to read the sign. The bartender is just finishing Larry's drinks and is walking back to him as Larry looks back from the sign and replies in a booming voice, "You're on!"

Both guys have big smiles on their faces as everyone in the place turns to look at the bartender to see which one wins the bet. A few seconds goes by with all eyes on the hapless barman, caught in a logical trap, and then the whole place erupts into laughter.

BBW, nobleheart: I don't understand them. Can you explain?

Two Scots were taking up watch by Loch Ness hoping to see the monster. One was an old hand at the game while the other was there for the first time.

Billy: So when can we expect to see Nessie, Jock?

Jock: Ah, lad, that's usually about halfway through the second bottle of whisky.

"Hello. Is this Terry Miller?"

"No. This is the Post Office."

"Oh. Do you have the same number as the MIllers?

"No..."

"Then why did you pick up the phone?"

Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Please people, remember: When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown ...

But it only takes four muscles ...

to extend your arm and slap the idiot round the ears.

ClayNashvilleTn: LOLOL. I won't ask why, but my curiousity is now most like.

The father of an inquisitive son had finally had enough:
"You never stop asking questions. All day long you ask questions. Where would I be if I'd continually pestered my Dad with questions like you?"

His son's immediate reply:
"You might have be able to answer some of mine."

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. It was pay day and he wanted some fun. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending freely until he was penniless.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. ..

But on Thursday, the swelling was down just enough so he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Fwiffo: Jokewise it perhaps makes it a bit complicated because the main thrust is the "awww" and the sarcasm is humour in something of a different direction.

Lolol. The bit about telling people to laugh ... now that I know it was an extra touch of sarcasm, I rethought the joke and had that chuckle!
:-))

Fwiffo: A hint for your next opportunity. ;-) With a joke on a current and controvertial topic you need to make it clear. Drop anything serious (ie. the "commercial" bit) and then "tell" people that it's to be laughed at, either with (joke) or a smiley:

"What? Is Gothic Chess removed from Brainking? Awww, just when I made my own Gothic Chess pieces!!"
;o)

BananaD: Yep! In the Oz Army. 2. August 2005, 11:57:28
Non-pawns can search for the word Army.

ClayNashvilleTn: I've ready that before and every time I read it again it cracks me up. Especially when it gets to the ending!

nobleheart: Here's one that I remember from when I was a kid. It's about two boys looking in a river.

AB! C D Gol'fish.
M N O Gol'fish!
O S D R!
Y S, D R!

... you should never put your picture on the Internet ...

http://www.redrubberball.net/why/

pgt: Lolol

dancer: I looked for the joke there and I think I found it: "madical professionals" - guess it must be them wot's paid to be crazy.

Welcome to BrainKing, dancer. Here you will find as many typo's (lol) and miss-spellings as your heart could desire. Apo'strophy's can appear or not. there will be unexcusably inexcrable English side by side with grammertickle perfectness.
:-))

TarantinoFan: LOLOL .... and then the pause to scroll down to the sign off. ROFL!!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing the inefficient "th" with "z" and shortening "w" to "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

INVENTORAMF: Lolol.

Your whole series is much appreciated Alan. Thanks from me and the silent majority.

Some organisations have these additional bones:

Funny bone: The office joker who spends more time downloading and forwarding jokey emails than on work.

Shoulder bones: They can be found in the complaints department.

Hip bones: Young and flash, usually in Sales and Marketing.

Lazy bones: Redundant bones found throughout the organisation.

"Bones": Part of a certain trio on the screen saver of the Trekkie in the postroom.

TarantinoFan: He's a sales rep for ACME - those are his demo samples that he's using.

Thad: Lolol. I think the content was fine. It's the title that's not appropriate. Should have read Sick joke.

nobleheart: Rofl. I love the way the sequence starts off with that cheesy grin!

tazman7474: Lolol. Maybe it's because I don't like sweet corn that I didn't know that one ... but you've got my imagination going. ;-)

Corn Poopie : Self-explainitory.

Obvious except to ignorant shi- .. er, I mean poopies like me.
So what's a corn poopie?