this is a riddle- poor people have this,rich people need it,it is greater than god,it is worser than a devil,it has 7 letters. what is my riddle?

Bebs: nothing comes to mind...

Bebs: give up?

FriendJosh: want me to tell you the anser (sorry cant spell anser.)

FriendJosh: NOTHING comes to my mind either.. hehe

ScarletRose: yep thats right, the ansewr is 'NOTHING'.

gotta go

http://www.gizoogle.com/index.php?hl=en&criterion=www.brainking.com

Bebs: That was a cute riddle,Bebs =0)

Mindy: what?

This is me when I was younger.


http://www.geocities.com/johnniemccoy/monkeybutt.mpg

www.flowgo.com

Bebs: www.gotlaughs.com

These are actual notes left for the Milkman






"Dear Milkman,
I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

***
"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."

***

"Please don't leave any more milk.
All they do is drink it."

***

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before,
but my wife had a baby, and I've been carrying it
around in my pocket for weeks."



"Sorry about yesterday's note.
I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,
but the other way 'round."

***

"When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom
window and wake me because
I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."

***

"Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed
last night's SOPRANOS.
If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?"



"My daughter says she wants a milkshake.
Do you do it before you
deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?"

***

"Please send me a form for cheap milk,
for I have a baby two months old and
did not know about it until a neighbor told me."

***

"Milk is needed for the baby.
Father is unable to supply it."

***

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and
one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays
and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."



"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge,
get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on
kitchen table, because we want to play
bingo tonight."

***

"Please leave no milk today. When I say today,
I mean tomorrow, for I
wrote this note yesterday...or is it today ?"

***

"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler,
let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door.
P.S. Don't leave any milk."

***

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either
as he is dead until further notice."

hilarious, Skyking!!!!!

harley:Glad you liked it.

Ditto, those are funny!!!

I loved especially the 11th and 13th one...thanks for a great laugh, Sky...

...jokes by subject..catagorized:
http://humorvault.tripod.com/index.html

...jokes by subject..catagorized:
http://humorvault.tripod.com/index.html

"A closed mouth gathers no feet."

"No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes."

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

"Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator."

"I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom."

What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

I posted this awhile back - one of my favorite jokes, so I'll repost it again!

= = = = = = = = = = =

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MY PEOPLES BED! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY

Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

luved the jokes dudes!

http://www.mamarocks.com/cow_wisdom.htm

BBW i liked that, was hilarious

Father O'Malley walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"

"Sure, Father, and who wouldn't?" was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father O'Malley walked up to Murphy and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "C'mon lad... I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"

Murphy said, "Oh, when I die, yes. Sure, I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

skipinnz: THAT was funny!!!!

very funny

Comedian Dave Allen has died at the age of 68, his agent said.

The Irishman died in his sleep at his west London home.

Allen was a TV favourite with his shows Tonight With Dave Allen and Dave Allen At Large. He leaves a wife, Karin, and three children.

Allen's agent, Vivienne Clore, said the cause of death was unknown. The comic had not been suffering from any major illness.

Allen famously delivered his comedy routines sitting on a stool with a cigarette and drink in hand.

He was considered one of the first alternative comedians, telling risque jokes about sex and religion and making frequent use of the f-word.

Born David Tynan O'Mahoney in 1936, he grew up in Dublin and moved to Britain aged 21.

He became a Butlins Redcoat before making his TV debut on New Faces in 1959.

Several years on the stand-up circuit followed, including tours with the Beatles.

After appearing in his own show in Australia, he landed his first British TV series, Tonight With Dave Allen, in 1967 followed by The Dave Allen Show in 1968.

Nirvana: ty for the info,I used to like dave allen>I always preferrred UK comedy.it has more wit than the american slapstick.

...I'm 1/2 irish,so I guess I can get away with sharing:
Q : whats long & green & has an IQ of 65?
A : the st.patrick's day parade.

Q : what happened when st.partick quit drinking?
A : he got the shamrock shakes.

just kidding..in honour of st.patrick's day,I wonder if there are any celtic goddesses?

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

Doctor calls a patient:
"I've got bad news and worst news. Which do you want first?"
"Jeez doc, give me the bad news first"
"You've only got 24 hours to live"
"My God, if that's the bad news, what could be worst than that?"
"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday".

skipinnz: Now that is a bad hair day!

Some people are like Slinkies... generally useless, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Boss says to the worker, "Why aren't you working?"
Worker replies, " I didn't see you coming."


Worker sees his boss trying to get a paper shredder working.
"Hey boss, let me help you". The sheet of paper goes in without a problem.
The boss says, "Thank you, now I need three copies."

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

www.bjburrows.com

old woman walk into a manchester butcher shop & asks the butcher for an eider duck.
the butcher puts a duck on the counter.
the old woman sticks her finger in the rear of the duck,then says"thats not an eider duck".
butcher get another duck.old woman again sticks her finger in the rear of the duck,then says"thats not an eider duck".
butcher goes into the back of the shop,get another duck.
old woman again sticks her finger in the rear of the duck,then says"thank you,thats an eider duck,I'll take it".
old woman then says"say,your not the regular butcher,were are you from".
the butcher comes around the counter,drops his pants & say" your so smart,you tell me lady".

Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and
one
woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one
had to drop off, otherwise, they were all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a
very
touching speech She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope
because as
a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids
and for men in general without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men applauded.

CurrentRiver: hahahaha.. The power of a woman!

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

Tired of Consultants?

http://www.deeplake.com/men/jokes/
http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/jkmen.html

"How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?"


Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out bulb?


Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up
to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.


Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!


German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from
the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any,
and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to
take advantage of the situation.


Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.


Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light
bulb!


Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.


Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.


Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....


Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little
circle. .


Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By
the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real
question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some
dinner
and a massage?"