Sheila walked into the kitchen to find her husband, Fred, stalking around with a fly swatter.

"And what are we doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh? Killing any?" she asked, with a smirk.

"Yep! Got 4 males, 3 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How the heck can you tell?"

"Simple." He replied, "4 were on a beer can, 3 were on the phone."

Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.

He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.

Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"

"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."

Pedro Martínez:

You're Welcome

One morning as Professor Thompson was leaving for the college his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty."

Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?"

He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Can you tell me which way it went?"

She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."

INVENTORAMF: Thanks for the laugh, I loved especially the 8, 11 and 18.

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . .louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.

At the end of their date, a young man takes the girl back to her home. He decides to try for that first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a good night kiss?"
Embarrassed, she replies, "Oh, I couldn't do that. My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. I would just die of embarrassment if someone saw us."
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

INVENTORAMF: Hang on, I need to get up off the floor!!!

INVENTORAMF:

This reportedly is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect the guilty)

SEX: Not yet.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: I hated it

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

INVENTORAMF: That's funny!

INVENTORAMF: ROFLMAO

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen and started screaming: "Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him incredulously. "What in the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
"No," the husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it's like when I'm driving with you in the car.

LOL nobleheart thanks for those, made me laugh! :oD

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. Prawns
were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the
area.

Finally one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored
and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have
any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming
a predator, A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is
granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified,
Christian immediately swims away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them, Justin
hardly realizing that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad
plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He
approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swims back to his friends
and buys them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he
looks for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home,
distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a
shark" came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he sets
off to Christians house. As he opens the coral gate, the memories come
flooding back. He bangs on the door and shouts "It's me. Justin - your old
friend. Come out and see me again"

Christian replies, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I
will not be tricked."

Justin cries back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed - I found
Cod! I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

http://www.coolbuddy.com/jokes/IMGS/men_r_never_satisfied.jpg

http://www.barking-moonbat.com/index.php/Gallery/image_med/187/

http://mookieriffic.mu.nu/archives/man.gif

http://iranscope.ghandchi.com/Fun/perfectman.jpg

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas attendant spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

An airplane is coming to land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the radar system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.

"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway.

"Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too...

All truth goes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Then, it is violently opposed. Finally, it is accepted as self-evident.

I bought a dog the other day and named him Stay. It was fun to call him. Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay...Finally he went insane.

Give a jackass an education, you end up with a smart*ss

Give a man a fish and you can feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish then you can sell him tackle.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

I read a report that said the typical symptoms of stress were eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

A new study has found that licking a frog cures depression. But there is a down side, when you stop licking a frog it gets depressed again.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving..

Thad:
What do you think I'm making these up.
Of course we all read them from somewhere.

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it's a wonderful gesture."

"We hadn't started eating yet."

INVENTORAMF: That one was in this month's Reader's Digest. ;-)

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper.

"This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page was a photo of the 'supposedly' ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Think of the score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."

skipinnz: good one! sadly true too!

http://users.eastlink.ca/~smclea/boatpics/boat37.jpg
http://www.wakeworld.com/WWImages/articles/2004/insurance1.jpg

skipinnz:

I certainly will

Backoff: Well you should read all the jokes posted on the other boards

"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and hell, we're not using it anymore."

"I finished the Oreo's."

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your *own* ice cream."

"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

"Got milk ?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

"Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!"

"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

INVENTORAMF: Keep 'em coming I get a giggle out of them LOL

ScarletRose:

Hey some of my jokes might be a little corny but you have to admit...at least they're clean jokes.

One fine day, Jim and Bill are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bill, come here; I've got some trouble down here."

Bill comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim? Everything OK?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can't get out of here with a 7."

INVENTORAMF: hahaha

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused... told me I was crazy. But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 of an inch shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. "So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." He just looked at me and said, "I, stand corrected."

What do you get if you cross a Kangaroo with a Sheep?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A woolly jumper!!!!!

Why do Koala's carry their babies on their backs?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because it is really really hard to push a pram up a tree! @

Old Tree
We have an old tree that became diseased and was
losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant
and called a tree surgeon.

The communication was mangled and when the surgeon
arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street.

He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried
to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up
the wrong tree!"

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand.

"We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."

"That's right..." the man said with a smile, "So bill my Brother-in-law."

http://www.circlemakers.org/Img/nike_milan_1.jpg

Purple: Thank you.

Thad: Lolol. I think the content was fine. It's the title that's not appropriate. Should have read Sick joke.

Thad: I knew that ;)

<> >C an't eat Beef, Mad cow....
> >
> >Can't eat chicken . bird flu
> >
> >
> >
> >Can't eat eggs .... Salmonella
> >
> >Can't eat pork ... fears that bird flu will infect piggies
> >
> >
> >
> >Can't eat fish .... heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat
> >
> >
> >
> >Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides
> >
> >
> >
> >Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Remember - - -
> >
> >"STRESSED"
> >
> >spelled backwards is
> >
> >"DESSERTS"
> >
> >

Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company to inquire about my short-term disability policy.
"I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who picked up the phone.
"Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your policy," she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name and address, she asked, "Was this a work-related incident?"

nobleheart: Rofl. I love the way the sequence starts off with that cheesy grin!

ah c'mon brats,a little class plase...enough with the toilet humour...lol..lets chnge the joke direction..mmm..let ss..mmm what next:
ok I know..a challenge everyone fins & share a funny (clean)photo:

http://www.webwasteland.com/links-images/waterskiaccident.jpg