An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an
obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone into a good mood as he served them food
and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll
be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people,
so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-
dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a
muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big
brute engines. I asked you to raise your tray so
the main man can put us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country,
I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called
a Queen so I outrank you....Tray-up, bitch."

Robinson Crusoe style, the shipwrecked golfer made the best of
his tiny island. When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and
sent a boat to investigate, the landing party was amazed to find a crude
but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with
driftwood woods, whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of
pumice stone.
"Quite a layout," said the officer to in charge of the rescuers.
"Too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin-clad golfer
responded. Then he smiled slyly: "I am however, quite proud of the water
hazard."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pol itically correct terms for cat owners

- My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
- My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
- My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of
food.
- My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
- My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
- My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
- My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate
moisture.
- My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
(which should always be the food bowl)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

C heap

After just one year of marriage,Jane filed for divorce.

A friend, trying to console her said that you never know
what a man's like until you live with him.

"I should have left him right after the honeymoon.Not only
did he not take me to Niagara Falls like he promised -
all we did was drive through a car wash twice, real slow"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three goobers, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were walking home late one night and
found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave. Bless
his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says
here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145
years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and
exclaims, " Miles from Georgia"

A woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks the assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver.

The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer.

At that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the physician and asks, "Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?"

"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my darn bag open."

<A Redneck died and left his wife his estate in trust but she can't touch it until she is 14. > Redneck hotel..the guy calls the front desk and says "I've got a leak in the sink" and the desk clerk says "Go ahead." > A Northern girl and a Southern girl are seated together on an airplane. The southern girl says "Where ya'll from?" and the northern girl says "don't you know better than to end a sentence wth a preposition?" so the southern girl says "ok, where ya'll from bitch??" > what do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth.

thats true jestone, i go to a multi raced school and some of them treat each other like dirt

Can a blind man be afraid of the dark?
When blind people have a life threatening experience do their lives flash before their ears?
Did you hear about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?
Would a blind tourist use a sightseeing eye dog?
Has anyone ever been 'illegally blind'?
Can a blind person feel blue?
Do blind people work on-site?
Is it impolite to stare at blind people?

But this one really says something:
If we were all blind, would there still be racism?

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the rest.

Strike while the .........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of..........termites.

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

You can't teach an old dog new..............math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll............stink in the morning.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.


Happy the bride who..........................gets all the presents.


A penny saved is..............................not much.


Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and....you have to blow your nose.


There are none so blind as...................Stevie Wonder.

If at first you don't succeed................don't skydive.
.
When the blind leadeth the blind.............get out of the way.

Better late than...........................pregnant!!!!

Dieting Rules



1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no
calories.

2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you
don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count.
ex. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
ex. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie
causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not
strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie
counter.

9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives
and spoons have no calories.
ex. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon

10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are
spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Diet Which Helps You Cope With Stress



This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during
the day.

Breakfast:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
l cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Remember: Stressed Spelled Backwards Is Desserts.

Diets



A diet is a weigh of life.

It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we
don't gain weight.

A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into the store's
dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't
eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat... fast.

The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive
in window of McDonalds.

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.

Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, the pause that refleshes.

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.

are for people who are thick and tired of it.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what
other people eat.

are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.

It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the
seconds.

Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become a bargain.

The best way to lose weight is by skipping... snacks and dessert.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two... alone.

People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.

A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead
of its blessings.

Definitions From A Woman's Perspective
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... breath...push... Good Girl!"

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space... if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also
"tranquilizers."

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n.
The number of times you ask someone male to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dogs Compared To Men


Why Dogs Are Better Than Men


Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you--- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don't correct your stories.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.

Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs take care of their own needs.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.



How Dogs And Men Are The Same


Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Neither does any dishes.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Neither understands what you see in cats.



Why Men Are Better Than Dogs


Men only have two feet to track in mud.

Men can buy you presents.

Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.

Men are a little bit more subtle.

Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.

Men open their own cans.

Dogs have dog breath all the time.

Men can do math stuff.

Restaurants allow men.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Men Mean When They Say...
"I'm going fishing."
really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Woman driver."
really means..."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"It's a guy thing."
really means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
really means..."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
really means...Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Have you lost weight?'
really means..."I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"It would take too long to explain."
really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I got a lot done."
really means..."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
really means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
really means..."I wonder if the lawn needs mowing today."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
really means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
really means..."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
really means..."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
really means..."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
really means..."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"You know how bad my memory is."
really means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers on every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
really means..."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Hey I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
really means..."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
really means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?'
really means..."What did you catch me at?"

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
really means..."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
really means..."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
really means..."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
really means..."No one will ever see us alive again."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
really means..."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
help."

"I broke up with her."
really means..."She dumped me."

LOL. I got my car there. Made it 2 blocks before the smoke started.

I have a car sales place near me called 'Monkey Motors'! Honest!

Your AAA Road Service card is called Jumper Cables.

1. You think INSYNC is where your dirty dishes are.

2. You think a 401K is your mother-in-law's bra size.

3. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 miles per hour.

4. Someone tells you you have something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

5. You wear a tube top to a funeral home.

6. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

7. An episode of Walker Texas Ranger changed your life.

Just remember, someone ELSE made that thing up! I just found it (you could say I just .... followed my nose) ;)

where DO you find this stuff
( still giggeling )

Must return to site to see if I can play 'How much is that doggy in the window'

What do you call an American drawing?
A Yankee Doodle.



Why is the silkworm not raised in America?
Because Americans get silk from the rayon which is larger and gives more silk.



Where do American ghosts go on holiday?
Lake Eerie.



What happened when two American stoats got married?
They became the United Stoats of America



Where does an American cow come from?
Moo York.



Who rides a dog and was a Confederate general during the American Civil War?
Robert E. Flea.



"Where's your pencil, Bud?" the teacher asked an American boy who had just come to school in Britain.
"I ain't got one, Sir."
"You're in England.now, Bud. Not ain't, haven't. I haven't got a pencil. You haven't got a pencil. They haven't got a pencil."
"Gee!" said Bud. "Pop said things were tough in this country, but I didn't know pencils were so hard to come by."



An American tourist was visiting a quaint country village, and got talking to an old man in the local pub. "And have you lived here all your life, Sir?" asked the American.
"Not yet, m'dear," said the villager wisely.



What's an American cat's favorite car?
A Catillac.



Why are American schoolchildren extremely healthy?
Because they have a good constitution.



Two neighbours were having a chat across the garden fence.
"My son's learning to play football," said one.
"Oh, really," said the other. "What position does he play?"
"The coach says he's a drawback."



A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant,
"Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?"
"Ay, straight on, sir," said the rustic, "but no need to hurry. He's dead."



An Irishman joined the American Air Force and was making his first parachute jump. The instructor said,
"When you jump out of the plane, shout Geronimo and pull the ripcord."
When the Irishman woke up in hospital a few days later the first thing he said was, "What was the name of that Indian again?"

You still haven'nt told me how long the Rope or string is,without using a tape guide.Ask long Jonh he has the so called big IQ.It could be any length if you find the centre it's double the length from middle of the string to the end. :o)

no offence to blondes by the way:P

As long as a piece of string, universal!

a ropes length is from one end to the other

funny !!

The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor
"Big Chief no fart." The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day.
The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, "Big Chief no
fart." The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten
pills an hour. The girl comes back the next day and says, "Big Chief no
fart." After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her
to give him a jar an hour. The next day the girl comes back crying and
says "Big fart no Chief!"

How long is a Rope.LJ failed,can anyone answer that one.LOL :o)

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

she called me to get my phone number.

she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her
mind.

she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

she tried to drown a fish.

she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

she tripped over a cordless phone.

she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

she asked for a price check at the pound shop.

she studied for a blood test.

she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said

"Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Just show her some respect and Kammy won't ban anybody. Take your issues up with me somewhere else.

I like Women and can get them,could you kindly stop interupting me,oh is that a noun or a verb the can't see the Universe.LOL stars up.

When does the circus start,i can't wait,i thought that Christmas just passed,i wonder who Santa is this year,is he still alive i heard through the grape vine,that bozo's got to go.

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

something else to laugh at LOL

LOL baby.....yes but they just asking for advice on properties they are interested in hehehe....and i got you on speed dial on phone so you will never be witht a call :) I love you always my sweet Purple

I see some off-topic posts are appearing on the "Jokes" board here however I will allow them at this time.

And yes Steve I was strongly contemplating not coming on here any more for several reasons...however i see no reason to let a couple of ill-tempered fools with too much time on thier hands to run me off. BTW this continuous mention of Bill posting under my name has given me a tremendous laugh...and I am still waiting for the "Solid proof" of this.

Now enough of this....if these off-topic posts continue the individuas will be banned from this DB indeffinitely

Dunno, ask them LOL

hehe, I'm kinda a lite guy some I can get away with it lol

with a careful monitor LOL

how do you stand on a screen though? LOL

nope, it's just billy posting under her name. (ok I'm taking bets to see how long these post stand)!!!

Kammy, I thought you were leaving BK? LOL

Let him dream hun. BTW I get phone calls from Brittany Spears and Jennifer Lopez every night. LOL. (although yours are all I ever want or need baby) :)

stop, stop, your making my side hurt frm laughing...LOL

LOL what a classic!!

here is one i couldnt stop laughing at....

A co-worker shared a story with me one day...he said...."My grandmother had passed away, she was 104 years old. So he went to the flower shop and bought some flowers and the clerk at the store asked what they were for. He relied..."My grandmother passed away, he was 104." The clerk said "Wow 104...how did she die?" he looked at the clerk and said "How did she die?!?!...she was 104...she wrecked her Harley down at Bike Week" LOL

This happened to ME!

My brother and I were in rural Utah bow hunting. We were covered in camouflage from head to toe. We even had on cover scent to mask our "Human" odor. We had to go into town during the afternoon so we stopped in and bought hamburgers at a local diner. So, there we are waiting in line, wearing camo, and smelling "BAD". Someone actually, asked us, "So, ya'all been huntin?" Nope, this is our evening wear...

We couldn't stop laughing because we had listened to Bill Engvall and his "Here's your sign" monologue!

It seems there is an individual out there who continues to have derranged illusions that they are receiving phone calls from me. LOL I have yet to be able to stop laughing at this one!!

I must say my dear Purple and I have gotten huge laughs at these rediculous accusations

ONE POINT DARES. 1 - Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2 - Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time -.
3 - Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4 - Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5 - To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head
6 - When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
7 - Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8 - Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9 - While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open


THREE-POINTS DARES
1 - Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2 - Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask,"Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
3 - Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice -.
4 - Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight -.
5 - Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES
1 - At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself -.
2 - Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3 - For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4 - Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5 - After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent - As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one
hour.
6 - While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7 - In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
8 - At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce,"As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9 - In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10 - Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".
11 - Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12 - Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why,say, "I can't talk about it".
13 - Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14 - Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig,etc - during a very important conference call.
15 - Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16 - Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17 - Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18 - During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19 - Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

slightly different but a nicely arranged site about ya'll find here ;)

~*~

Very interesting revelation danoschek!!

The description for my sign is eerily accurate (GULP) LOL