BrainKing - Diskussionsborde (Jokes)

Emne: Re:

pgt:So you are part of my company.

before you speak!

7. Oktober 2006, 20:41:09

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house, it kept floating away from the house, then back in.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that'smy husband I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

6. Oktober 2006, 16:21:18

Nirvana

Hippo & Dog

2. Oktober 2006, 19:00:30

Emne: Re:

Universal Eyes: thats an oldie but goodie.all your friends call the # on your unlimited . when he `s EXASPERATED this is melvin . pretty funny gag. mook

2. Oktober 2006, 18:57:33

Emne: Re:

Universal Eyes: very good observation. but i think the price went up. . no no i don't know from personal experience. i may even have it confused with the psychics prices. just another sad commentory on life in general these days. if it is a joke at all .its on us ,as most now are. like the pervert from fla. why would a guy who must know must hes abnormal (ok sick) run for a position of trust. knowing today if you are living against the grain you will be found out. do you think he ran for office purely because there were many young boys working there & he would be their superior. quite spooky & scary if you dwell on it. but as i said your original observation was really astute . a shame but still correct.query how will comedians make a living in the future. everything they poke fun at will be less & less humorous ,or perhaps riproaring funny as our values vanish in the sewer. mook

28. September 2006, 04:15:45

Emne: Re: Some things you can't explain

skipinnz:

28. September 2006, 04:02:18

skipinnz

Emne: Some things you can't explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.

Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what happened.

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Something's ya just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what did you do.

Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

28. September 2006, 02:00:23

pgt

Emne: Re:

Universal Eyes: How can you be so sure?

27. September 2006, 19:22:57

When a man talks dirty to a woman it is considered harrassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it is $3.95 a minute

27. September 2006, 16:27:36

Emne: Re:

Universal Eyes: That is hilarious.

27. September 2006, 13:53:10

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."

With that, the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch . . ."

The father dialed the same number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver was slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means."

He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, "HELLO!"

The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"

25. September 2006, 10:47:13

M&M

A man enters his local bar holding a frog and and iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of."
"Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon.

"That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner.

As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist.

25. September 2006, 08:34:06

Emne: Re: Three bears, at breakfast time

ArnieTxx:LOL I love it! But,where does it say that Baby bear was a boy?

25. September 2006, 08:29:45

Emne: What is my "profile"?

Brain King shows me where to go to see my "profile". But what is my Profile? It would seem to me that a pro....file is a professional file which gets paid for what it does. Otherwise it would be an amateur...file! Or is my pro....file being paid somehow?

24. September 2006, 15:06:56

Emne: Three bears, at breakfast time

Papa Bear came down the stairs, yawning. He entered the dining room, and saw that there was no food on the table. In a grumpy voice, he said, "Someone has stolen my porridge."

Soon after that, Baby Bear came to the dining room, and said "Someone has stolen my porridge, too."

Then Mama Bear came down the stairs, looking very tired. She entered the dining room, and saw that her husband and son both were quite upset. So Mama Bear said "Complaints, complaints, even before I make breakfast!"

24. September 2006, 12:47:53

Emne: Re: Mom and son on train

ArnieTxx:

24. September 2006, 04:16:06

Emne: Mom and son on train

A lady and her little boy were traveling by train, sharing the compartment with 2 men. One of the men decided that the boy looked very strange, but didn't mention it. The other man was much more direct, telling the mother, "You have a very ugly son."

The mother burst into tears. After she had stopped crying, she demanded an apology from the man for insulting her. He refused to apologize.

When the conductor approached the compartment to punch tickets, the lady told him that a fellow passenger had insulted her.

The conductor replied, "This is terrible. On this railway, we always wish to ensure that our passengers have a pleasant trip. We focus on good customer service. To make up for the problem you have had with another passenger, I am offering you a free meal in our dining car. I can probably find a banana for your monkey, too."

23. September 2006, 16:12:46

Emne: Little Mary at school

Little Mary was in class, chewing green bubble gum. Her feet were sticking out into the aisle of the classroom. So the teacher said, "Mary, take that gum out of your mouth, and put your feet in!"

22. September 2006, 23:34:07

Emne: Johnny's first day at school

Dad: Johnny, how was your first day at school? What did you learn?
Johnny: Today I learned a lot of new words.
Dad: What words have you learned, then?
Johnny: Disrupt, misbehave, annoy, atrocious, nervous breakdown and sabbatical.

22. September 2006, 19:47:55

Emne: Re:

Stardust:

22. September 2006, 19:36:46

Stardust

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

"Dear God,
I am a 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
" Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those people at the Post
Office.
Sincerely yours
"Edna".

22. September 2006, 19:24:37

ScarletRose

Emne: To get back to laughter!

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on
her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

21. September 2006, 16:25:00

Emne: Re: Anger Management

skipinnz: i didn't do nuttin,wasn't even there,what lawn where ?/ ha ha. a little muggs mcginnis mook

21. September 2006, 07:03:32

Emne: hearing the news!

A friend of mine just called to ask if I heard the latest news. "Yes I did" I told him.
"Wasn't it awesome!"
"What are you referring to?" I asked with a bit of bewilderment.
The news that you and I just heard.
"Oh that....."
"What do you mean by that?" my friend asked becoming a bit exasperated with me.
"Just that I heard the news in question, but that I didn't listen to it."

21. September 2006, 06:42:52

Emne: Re: oops

Stardust: And again I find myself wondering why I can't draw a gun to save my life. Out of desperation to find some sort of talent for art I went to Art..hur Murray's dance school. After the experience I decided that such a search was to a degree ARTificial and became peaceful with those talents that I have.

21. September 2006, 02:42:24

Stardust

Emne: oops

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....

20. September 2006, 23:49:44

Summertop

Emne: Golf

Two men were golfing one day. When they got to the 12th tee, it was right next to a road. It was a busy day at the course, so they had to wait to tee off. While they were waiting for their turn, a funeral procession comes down the road. As soon as it gets there, the first golfer stands up and places his hat over his heart. He stands there like that until the funeral procession passes. The second golfer comments, "That was sure nice of you!". The first one replies, "It was the least I could do for my Wife".

20. September 2006, 23:09:35

skipinnz

Emne: Re: Anger Management

mook53lhd: So you're the guy who got a half ton of manure dumped on my pesky neighbours front yard. LOL

20. September 2006, 23:03:10

Emne: Re: Anger Management

Summertop: yes it was just when phone calls rose to a dime. sometimes we'd send tons of food to one of the stores & watch the fun.we only did that to merchants who weren't kid friendly. mook53lhd

20. September 2006, 19:08:26

Summertop

Emne: Re: Anger Management

Tilpasset af Summertop (20. September 2006, 19:08:48)

mook53lhd: That must have been before caller id, also. I used to get TONS of prank calls. Kids would call... I would get the phone number off the caller id, do a reverse lookup (to get the address). Then call them back and say, "Do you know, I know where you live? You live at...". Invariably the line would go dead! then I would have a good

20. September 2006, 18:59:21

Emne: Re: Anger Management

The Listener: i`m sorry of all my phone capers,i never thought of that . but-- we'd get togethor when we were teens & make prank calls. i'd say hi i'm joe blaugh from the utility co. we've been getting complaints from your sector of brownouts etc. has your place been hit .then they get nervous,. expecting their house to go dark. i go on .then tell them that sometimes the st. lamps can short things out. i go through how & why etc. finally .oh its pouring rain when i did this 1. i ask them where their nearest lamppost is .i know they can't see it from the window as i live across the st. so i say listen . you don't want your grid to get hit & ruin your food,no tv etc go outside & tell me if your lampost is on or off. no cordless phones then. so the guys outside in the rain with the phone. he says his cord won't reach. i said i need you to put the phone down get over where you can see ,come back & report if its on or off from my window we see the guy doing this.he comes back drenched out of breadth. i say so which is it?. he says gee i hope its ok its on. i reply no it ain't blow it out %^*&%$$#(i know the kids). cruel yes deranged yes. but we didn't have gameboxes or cell phones to dally with .capers also were a rite of passage. i had a phone for awhile .i could stick a mike or recorder on the phone & record the happenings to put in the next time capsule. hope you found the story amusing, as every 1 of us has some caperman or women in them. i'm sure most of you ---baby boomers for sure can relate mook53lhd

20. September 2006, 12:53:33

Nirvana

Cartoons ~ Everyone needs a smile!

20. September 2006, 07:45:20

Haridaspal

Emne: Re:

King Reza: Great! Please translate some more!

19. September 2006, 21:10:02

Skyking

Emne: Re:

Universal Eyes: Yuk LOL

19. September 2006, 13:20:11

Well, I don't know of any English jokes, but I'll translate one into English and see what'll happen:

A man sees his young friend on the street wearing black from tip to toe. So he asks: "Oh, what's the matter? Why are you wearing all black?"

He answers: "Ahh, nothing. My father just died. I'm coming back from the funeral."

"Then why are your pants torn?" his friend asks again.

"Well, poor dady, God rest his soul, wouldn't let us bury him."

19. September 2006, 13:16:03

Emne: Re:

Universal Eyes:

19. September 2006, 13:13:49

Emne: Re: Three Women in Mexico....

Nirvana:

19. September 2006, 11:17:13

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

19. September 2006, 10:49:17

Nirvana

Emne: Three Women in Mexico....

(dumb blonde !)

Three women go to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Michigan and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

16. September 2006, 15:47:24

Emne: Joke of the Day!

A robber about to steal a TV hears, "Jesus is watching." He pauses, sees nothing, continues and hears again, "Jesus is watching." Spying a parroot in the corner the robber asks, "Who are you?" "Clarence," replied the bird. Almost to himself the robber asks "Who would name a parrot Clarence?" To which the bird replied, "The same guy who would name a Rottweiler Jesus

14. September 2006, 21:10:00

Skyking

Emne: Re: Think about it

Gentlegiant101: Very inlightening LOL

14. September 2006, 07:11:46

Emne: Re: Think about it

Skyking:round pizzas in square boxes because square pizzas don't fit in round boxes!
Morality from morons? Depends on what constitutes the morality in question. I may write mor....on that on another occasion! Thanks for your patients. I hope they get well real soon!
Can you cry under water? I sincerely can't answer that question. Nothing is stopping you from having a whale of a time trying to find out however!
Though the professor on Gilligan's Island was a very knowledgable man he wanted to keep the boat: hole and intact.
P.S. The boat, the S.S. Minnow is up for sale. It has been restored,not by a professor, and it is up for sale. The person selling it lives in Canada. And the hole is gone! Yes this post script leans towards perversion because there is nothing in it that constitutes comedy.

But lets'get funny. Not wanting one's two cents worth leads one to ask where the other penny went to? If I knew I might go and meet her and make her aquaintance. Things can get lonely here at times. Maybe that Penny would make a difference....if she isn't taken. She is probably an employee of the Federal government!
If I didn't answer all of your questions tell me and I'll complete the list of answers required.
In the meantime don't worry if your mind draws a blank. I was lousy at drawing and couldn't draw a gun to save my life!

8. September 2006, 16:26:47

An Cat Dubh

Emne: Re: Think about it

Skyking: Yes, you can cry underwater. Not only this, but you can cry underwater without people knowing you cry underwater!!

I suppose you have to be important enough to have no spare time to write these questions.

What does the first expression ('two cents') mean?

You get these funny white clothes when you're in heaven, remember?

Most likely it's for easier storage, or for pizza makers' stupidity.

I don't know what's cured ham.

Because we're dumb!

A baby sleeps about 16 hours a day, as far as I remember.

Maybe it's called 'the presenting'...

For the same reason you're not IN the screen.

They do it for the same reason they buy McDonalds and die from eating.

Because if they se you, it's called stripping.

Misprint in the dictionary, most likely.

Uh, right... No decent human... Just kidding. It's used for torments.

Who's Jimmy?

See the reason for man on moon and luggage.

Pointing at the crotch would be unpleasantly ambiguous.

Goofy made Pluto get used to be in doggy position... Hehe...

He does it for the challenge.

Haven't you read the ingredients?

I guess so!

The one who wrote the tune wasn't creative.

I didn't! Haha! I already knew they have the same tune!

If you blow his face from the side, would he still be mad?

7. September 2006, 12:37:37

Emne: Re:

Summertop: nothin,like a wry wit mook53lhd

6. September 2006, 23:22:56

Skyking

Emne: Think about it

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about.:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes your family picked out to bury you in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs in Disney!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why didn't he just buy himself some dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

6. September 2006, 19:43:25

yoyudax

Emne: Re:Beans

Gentlegiant101: as much as I might like to take credit for that story...I am not the woman who fell in love and had to choose between baked beans and her sweetheart...lol.

5. September 2006, 10:50:11

MadMonkey

I went to the cash machine this morning and this little old lady asked me if i could check her balance, so i pushed her over......

1. September 2006, 14:04:34

DamnCat

Emne: Wise elephant ;)

The elephant to the naked man: - Awww, how cute, can you pick up peanuts with that?

29. August 2006, 07:09:26

Emne: Upside down pride parade?

Well, if your feet smell and your nose runs than you are one that can be viewed as upside down. I can't help but wonder how many people around the globe are using their runny nose to see if their feet smell!
The question is how many are proud to be upside down and are ready to flaunt it?

28. August 2006, 20:10:45

The Col