A man tells his birthday :
Two weeks ago was my 40 th birthday, and my morale wasn't at the top. But I knew that when I'll wake up, my wife wouldn't forget to wish me a "Happy Birthday" and to give me a gift.
But this morning, she didn't say "Hello" and no "Happy Birthday".
So I thought : " it doesn't matter, it happens to me to forget. But the children, they will remember.
But the kids forgot too.
So when I went to work, my morale was really the lowest. As I arrived at the office, Julie, my secretary told me : " Hello boss, happy birthday " and now, my morale began to rise.
I worked on the morning, and when lunchtime came, Julie knocked on my door and said : " Boss, today is your birthday, and it's a beautiful day. You could invite me for lunch " so I said " ok, let's go ".
For lunch, we chose a small restaurant away from the city. The meal was very nice and my secretary take care of me.
Leaving the restaurant Julie said : " Boss, if we didn't go back to work this afternoon ? " As I didn't answer, she added : " Let's go to my apartment, I'll show you my collection of Chinese vases ".
We soon were at her home. With a glass of Cognac, she said : " If it doesn't bother you, boss, I'll go to the bathroom to change my clothes "....
Of course, I agreed.
When she came back, I had also taken some clothes off. And with my underpants, I saw my secretary, my wife, my children and all the office team. All sang "Happy Birthday" while bringing a very big cake ! Sometimes, life is dreadful .....

An old dying man wants to be buried with his money. He tells to his priest, his doctor and his lawyer :
- I put 30 000 $ in your hand ; I trust you to put this money in my coffin when I'll be dead.

In the funeral, every man puts an envelope in the coffin. Suddenly, the priest sobs and confesses :
- I put only 20 000 $ in the envelope because I needed 10 000 $ to repair the roof of the church.
- Well, because we are between reliable people, says the doctor. I put only 10 000 $ in the envelope because we needed a new machine with X-rays for the hospital.
The lawyer answers :
- I am ashamed of you two. I put all the money in the coffin : I put a check of the totality 30000 $.

Carl: Oh yes, funny !

Tuesday:

Purple: Oh yes !

pgt: Very good !

Sometimes, when you cry, nobody notices your tears.
Sometimes, when you feel sad, nobody notices your sorrow.
Sometimes, when you are happy, nobody notices your smile.
But fart just once...

A blonde woman and a lawyer are in a plane. To spend the time, the lawyer suggests a game to the blonde. She is tired, so she doesn't answer and pretends to sleep. The lawyer tries again in another way: " You ask me a question and, if I don't find, I give you 500 Euros. Then, I ask you a question, but if you don't find the answer, you give me only 5 Euros ! " The blonde woman says ok. The lawyer begins: " What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon? ". The blonde gives him 5 Euros et asks him in her turn : " What has 3 legs by going up the mountain and 4 by going it down? ".
Then she turns her back to him and falls asleep. The lawyer reflects, consults Internet with his mobile phone, riffles through an online encyclopaedia, questions his neighbours discreetly. Unsuccessfully. He fails. After several hours of intense reflection, he wakes the blonde woman up, who pockets 500 Euros.
Good loser but a little frustrated, the lawyer would really like to know : " Well, what is the answer? ". Without saying a word, the blonde woman holds a 5 euros note out to him and goes back to sleep.

Bill Gates, an old man, a hippy and a pilot are in a plane. There are only three parachutes. The plane catches fire. The pilot takes one of the three parachutes and jumps. Bill Gates says: " I am the most clever man of the earth, I must save my life because the world needs me ! "
BiIl takes a parachute and jumps. The old man says to the hippy: " I am old and you, you are young, you must save your life. " The hippy answers him: " don't worry my brother, the most clever man of the world has just taken my backpack ! "

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you're moronic !

"We need to talk" = I need to complain

"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

"Are you listening to me !?" = [Too late, you're dead]

"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later