Two Irishmen flew to NZ on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the bush for a week hunting deer.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 deer.



The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”



Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.



The plane took off.



However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.



Somehow, surrounded by the deer bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.



After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”



Mick replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"



"Sand," answers Juan, to which the guard replies, "We'll just see about that..."



The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand. Finally, the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.



The next day, the same thing happens - Juan approaches the border on his bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard asks him, "What have you got?" and Juan replies, "Sand." Again the guard does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border.



This sequence is repeated every day for several months until finally the guard is sitting in a Cantina in Mexico and Juan walks in.



"Hey, Buddy," says the guard to Juan, "I know you're smuggling something... It's been driving me crazy. It's all I think about! I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"



Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst
into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t
stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left
my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the
gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve;
then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough
about
me,
how's your day going?"

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager..

Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

"And why would you be doing that? asked Murphy. "We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Simple," replied the manager. "On question # 5, the American put down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way....
So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"

mybirthdaysoon: I see you kept the best till last LOL

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a
trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser, who responded, " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's
crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome So, how are you getting
there?"



We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"



"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"



"We'll be at this exclusive little place e over on Rome 's Tiber
River called Teste."



"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks
it's going be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the
worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're
overpriced.



So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"



"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the
Pope."



"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "You and a million other
people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."



A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The
hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome



"It was wonderful!" exclaimed the woman, "Not only were we on
time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was
overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine
were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited
on me hand and foot.



And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They,
too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"



"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but
I know you didn't get to see the Pope."



"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes
to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me.



Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."



"Oh, really! What'd he say?"



He said, "Where'd you get the bad haircut?

Thad:lol

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

"Good trade....."

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a
small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi



G'day,mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.

Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what happened.

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Something's ya just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what did you do.

Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

mook53lhd: So you're the guy who got a half ton of manure dumped on my pesky neighbours front yard. LOL

boop2004: ROFLMAO, now that is real funny

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the councelor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

Rose:sure is, sorry thought they were big enough to be international.

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old man wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but ladies of the night and rugby players there."

"Is that so?" replied the manager, adding, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" the boy responded. "Who'd she play for?"

The CEO of Inghams Chicken managed to arrange a meeting with the Pope at
the Vatican. After receiving the Papal blessing, he whispered, “Your
Holiness, we have an offer for you. Inghams is prepared to donate $100
million dollars to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give
us this day our daily bread’ to, ‘give us this day our daily chicken.’”

The Pope responded, “That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed.”

“Well,” said the Inghams man, “we anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we
require is that you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our
daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.’”

Again, the Pope replied, “That, my son, is impossible, for the prayer is
the word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

Finally, the Inghams’ CEO said, “Your Holiness, we at Inghams respect
your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will
donate $500 million dollars – that’s half a billion dollars – to the
great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from
‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily
chicken.’ Please consider it.”

And he left.

The next day the Pope convened the College of Cardinals. “There is some
good news,” he announced, “and some bad news.” “The good news is that
the Church will come into $500 million dollars.”

“And the bad news, Your Holiness?” asked a Cardinal.

”We’re losing the Tip Top Account.”

Eriisa:ROFL now thats funny

Summertop: Those guns always go off when you don't want them to LOL

Summertop: ROFL just what I need to start my day some good humour.

Maxxina:Are they army or air force cadets
getting hands on experience. LOL

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

nobleheart: Didn't say you had your pants off, just asked if they were up or down. LOL

nobleheart: Was that with or without your pants down LOL

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.....So, when do I start?!"

ClayNashvilleTn: ROFLMAO

nobleheart: Any protection is better than none. LOL

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by
hand.


This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you

receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via

any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life

completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2

good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as

Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).

The quickest acting WINE type is called

Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Z
ones (SHIRAZ) but this is only

available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is

Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly

until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have

already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is

DEADLY(Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Livi
ng-Youngster).

Update 05-05-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that

Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but

may require a more generous application.

TarantinoFan: Enough already, can we go back to bad spelling and punctuation.
ROFL

ArtfulDodger:Even though I new what was coming your choice of characters was exceptional LOL

INVENTORAMF: ROFLMAO

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. Prawns
were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the
area.

Finally one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored
and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have
any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming
a predator, A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is
granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified,
Christian immediately swims away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them, Justin
hardly realizing that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad
plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He
approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swims back to his friends
and buys them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he
looks for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home,
distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a
shark" came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he sets
off to Christians house. As he opens the coral gate, the memories come
flooding back. He bangs on the door and shouts "It's me. Justin - your old
friend. Come out and see me again"

Christian replies, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I
will not be tricked."

Justin cries back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed - I found
Cod! I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

Backoff: Well you should read all the jokes posted on the other boards

"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and hell, we're not using it anymore."

INVENTORAMF: Keep 'em coming I get a giggle out of them LOL

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand.

"We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."

"That's right..." the man said with a smile, "So bill my Brother-in-law."

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 11 and now I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks -

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

I went to the bar the other night and told the 'keep, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"'Less'? Never heard of it," he said.

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should 'drink Less.'"

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 98 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it"

"Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again...... Lemme

see.... "Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup
..."

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?"

I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

A hostess is making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. "Nora," she said to her veteran servant, "for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing room door and call the guests' names as they arrive."
Nora's face lit up. "Thank you, ma'am," she replied. "I've been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last twenty years."

As Santa Claus rolled up his sleeve,
He said, "Tonight's Christmas Eve,
I don't care if it's snowing,
Keep those reindeer from going--
'Cause nobody goes 'til I leave!"

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

Eriisa: "so it would get a potato clock"
Saying it slowly :- So it wood get up at 8 o'clock" Is that any clearer. LOL

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.
At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions."

At which point the wife took up the tale, "And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.

The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "