BrainKing - Discussion boards (Jokes)

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

18. March 2010, 03:23:34

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

In due time, he did pass away, and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles said, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side. Finding the water only knee deep, she said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they rowed a little farther out.

Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, "No, this will never do; the water is only up to my chest."

So on they rowed and rowed and rowed, and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time went by, and poor Bubbles was really getting worried when suddenly Barbie broke the surface, gasping for breath.

"Well, is it deep enough yet, sis?"

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."

17. March 2010, 21:42:25

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN,GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND SLAPS HIMSELF ON THE TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT BILLY WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WELL, IT WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

4. March 2008, 02:21:27

Modified by Sarah (4. March 2008, 02:22:19)

"Three-Legged Chickens"
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

3. May 2007, 16:38:10

Subject: Re: why did the pervert cross the road ?

welshrugbyfan: I say poor chicken lol

14. November 2006, 14:14:54

Taxicab Confessions...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

3. November 2006, 00:19:53

Subject: Re: Birthday cake.

crosseyed: sure you can

2. November 2006, 15:24:44

A Cat's perfect birthday

2. November 2006, 15:21:54

Sit Ubu, Sit! Good Dog...

One day in a busy butcher's store, a dog walks in. The butcher not having time to deal with the health hazard himself shouts at the dog to, "SCRAM!" The dog promptly lowers his head and leaves the shop.

Later in the day the dog re-enters the shop and drops a piece of paper on the floor. The butcher sees this and picks up the note and reads it. "Can I please have 1lb of bacon and 12 sausages", the dog promptly drops a $20 bill on the floor. The butcher quite amazed at this performance prepares the order, takes the money and gives the dog his change back. He places the bag with the sale inside into the dogs mouth and watches him trot out of the shop. Seeing that it was now about 4:30pm, the butcher decides to close the shop and follow the dog.

He follows the dog 30 yards down the road where the dog gets up on his hind paws and activates the pedestrian crossing lights with his nose. "Wow" thinks the butcher who then follows the dog to the bus-stop, where the dogs waits patiently for the bus.

After several buses have passed the dog jumps up and hails down the next double-decker, he boards the bus and requests his destination and takes his seat at the front of the bus. The butcher can't quite believe what he is seeing. The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs on the other side. The dog rings the bell and alights his transport home. The butcher then follows him for another 100 yards or so. The dog approaches a house and lays down his bag of meat on the front porch. He then backs up the front path and runs and throws himself at the front door.

'WHACK!'. The dog collides with the front door.

No answer, so he repeats this again, all whilst the butcher is watching from the other side of the road.

WHACK!! again no answer.

This time the dog jumps up onto the wall and walks round the side of the house where he taps on one of the windows with the side of his head and walks back round to the door. This time the door opens. The owner of the dog then enters into rage screaming and shouting at the dog. The butcher, feeling that this very special dog was being abused, decided to get involved and approached the owner:

"How can you have a go at your dog after what he has done? He is an absolute genius!," to which the owner replied:

Genius you say? Well it's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!

1. November 2006, 00:07:52

Hickory hickory dock.
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the rest got away with minor injuries

31. October 2006, 23:41:31

Subject: Re: Another funny one.

crosseyed: yeah me 2 lol

31. October 2006, 16:00:36

Subject: Re:

mook53lhd:

31. October 2006, 02:39:03

Modified by Sarah (31. October 2006, 02:42:45)

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven, where he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

30. October 2006, 13:03:55

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

10. You get winded knocking on the door

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balanceand fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a
walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

30. October 2006, 01:29:00

Dr . Visit for a colonoscopy

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . .

Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"

31. July 2006, 03:44:22

Subject: Re:

mook53lhd: nope not me

31. July 2006, 03:33:00

Subject: Re:

spicieangel: awww thanks

31. July 2006, 02:59:56

Moses and the Ten "Things"
"Excuse me, sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"
"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me"
"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of
course, they're important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of
course you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them' ! Are you trying
to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, sir. I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot.
I did send them to some people before I lost them though. "
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did."
What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he
change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and
recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions, or letting people pick
one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think that is spamming, Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that
stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what he did say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he
might have sent me one of those -er - plagues, and that's the reason I
lost those ten things, do you?"
"They're called viruses, Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go
back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out
and reading them each day, but I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse!
And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first.
After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like
your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice,
because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
" I didn't name them, Moses. Man did,
and you can call yours a frog ... if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some
woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman
who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems
to be working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and 'Thou
shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.' "
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you
another set of stone tablets. How does 'Fed Exp' sound ?
....and I am sending them Freight Collect this time !

</div></div></td></tr></tbody></table>

</font>

28. July 2006, 17:28:32

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HellOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs ."

28. July 2006, 15:20:49

Two patients limp into two different American Medical clinics with
the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require
a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same
day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then
gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally
has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.....

The second is a Senior Citizen.

28. July 2006, 15:06:49

Fried Chicken and The Pope </center>

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

24. July 2006, 16:16:12

Subject: Re: Habits

JackS:

2. July 2006, 03:14:48

One of those Days

2. July 2006, 03:06:38

The Texan Farmer

30. June 2006, 14:00:27

Subject: Re:

rednaz23: I think we are over it now

29. June 2006, 20:58:20

>
> God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't
>need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life
>out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the
>'beginning'."
>
>"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
>
>"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the
>likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
>
>"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
>
>So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
>
>"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
>
>"Get your own dirt."

29. June 2006, 19:48:54

Subject: Re:

mook53lhd: There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

29. June 2006, 14:00:40

Subject: Re:

rednaz23: well he started it , so talk to him

29. June 2006, 02:19:14

Subject: Re:

mook53lhd: well I don't know what ?????means but I don't think I like it

27. June 2006, 19:51:23

Subject: Re:

mook53lhd: what are you talking about??

16. June 2006, 13:43:03

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT!

I have had ENOUGH!! I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off!!

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known
in underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on,
and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's ALL GONE!!!! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not
(many underworld cursewords!) FAIR!
"He cheated! YOU cheated!! How come he has all his work and I don't have any of mine?"

God just shrugged and said,
"JESUS SAVES"

11. June 2006, 04:26:29

I thought so also

11. June 2006, 04:11:15

Subject: Re:

gogul: there

30. May 2006, 19:39:32

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

29. May 2006, 00:12:19

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car
and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," !
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves,

hops another ten feet,

turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.

It says.

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)

(You can still delete it)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

16. May 2006, 00:38:22

was'nt it

15. May 2006, 19:38:49

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

14. May 2006, 02:25:12

POLICE HUMOR - WYOMING STATE POLICE - GOTTA LOVE 'EM!!!!!

IN MOST OF THE NORTHERN STATES, THERE IS A POLICY OF CHECKING ON ANY STALLED VEHICLE ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN THE TEMPERATURES DROP DOWN TO THE SINGLE DIGITS OR BELOW. ABOUT 3 A.M. ONE VERY COLD MORNING IN MARCH 2004, A STATE POLICE OFFICER RESPONDED TO A CALL: THERE WAS A CAR OFF THE SHOULDER OF THE ROAD ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF CASPER.

HE LOCATED THE CAR, STUCK IN DEEP SNOW AND WITH THE ENGINE STILL RUNNING. PULLING IN BEHIND THE CAR WITH HIS EMERGENCY LIGHTS ON, THE OFFICER WALKED TO THE DRIVER'S DOOR TO FIND AN OLDER MAN PASSED OUT BEHIND THE WHEEL WITH A NEARLY EMPTY VODKA BOTTLE ON THE SEAT BESIDE HIM.

THE DRIVER CAME AWAKE WHEN THE OFFICER TAPPED ON THE WINDOW. SEEING THE ROTATING LIGHTS IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR AND THE STATE POLICEMAN STANDING NEXT TO HIS CAR, THE MAN PANICKED, JERKED THE GEARSHIFT INTO "DRIVE" AND HIT THE GAS. THE CAR'S SPEEDOMOTER WAS SHOWING 20-30-40 AND THEN 50 MPH, BUT IT WAS STILL STUCK IN THE SNOW, WHEELS SPINNING.

THE POLICEMAN, HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR, BEGAN RUNNING IN PLACE NEXT TO THE SPEEDING, BUT STILL STATIONARY CAR. THE DRIVER WAS TOTALLY FREAKED THINKING THE OFFICER WAS ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HIM. THIS GOES ON FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS WHEN THE PATROLMAN YELLED AT THE MAN ORDERING HIM TO "PULL OVER!" THE MAN OBEYED, TURNED HIS WHEEL AND STOPPED THE ENGINE. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE MAN FROM CASPER WAS ARRESTED AND IS PROBABLY STILL SHAKING HIS HEAD OVER THE STATE PATROLMAN WHO COULD RUN 50 MILES PER HOUR.

1. May 2006, 12:45:40

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or
wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next
time
you open a box of chocolates:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona
when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As
the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the
journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the
Navajo
woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything
she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag
on
the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of
chocolates.
I got it for my husband."

"The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

27. March 2006, 14:44:12

<A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final
> > plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
> > $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000
> > milestone money.
> > As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover.
> > It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
> > nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
> >
> > A) the condor;
> > B) the buzzard;
> > C) the cuckoo; or
> > D) the vulture?"
> > The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly
> > on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience
> > Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and
the
> > woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because
the
> > only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the
> > contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the
> > question and the four choices.
> > The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The
> > cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
> > considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer
except
> > the one that her friend had given her.
> > And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the
> > logical thing to do. On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with
> > such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but
be
> > persuaded.
> >
> > "I need an answer," said Regis.
> >
> > Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
> >
> > "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
> >
> > "Yes, that is my final answer."
> >
> > Two seconds la ter, Regis ! said, "I regret to inform you that the
answer
> > is ............ absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
> >
> > Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends
> > including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
> >
> > "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
> > "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
> > millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness
> > with which you answered the question that persuaded me to go with your
> > choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"
> >
> > "Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that
> > cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.

24. March 2006, 12:54:38

A little old lady answered

a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young

man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

" Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a

couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest

in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"

and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed

it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least

seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure

from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned

good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

22. March 2006, 13:06:31

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling. 3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

22. March 2006, 04:08:39

ANGELS

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. So God called one of the angels and sent
the angel to Earth. When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on

Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a
second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and
sent him to earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true The
earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being
good, because he wanted to encourage them...give them a little
something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either.

18. March 2006, 18:24:13