Beware confusing cause & effect....


 
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their
new
 
Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he
was
 
a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old
secrets.
 
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to
 
be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe
that

the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the

village should collect firewood to be prepared.
 
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He

went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked,
 
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this
winter is
 
going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service
 
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
 
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
 
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it
 
still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the
man
 
at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very
 
cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered
them to




 
collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
> Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service
again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it
is
 
going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
 
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
 
The weatherman replied, "Those  bloody  Indians are collecting
firewood like crazy."

 danheg:

danheg:

They're making a new model Barbi doll.
The Divorced Barbi.
She comes with all Ken's things.

Some confidence inspiring wit from down
under...

 
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the
pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some of the
actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a
P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance
engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only
major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left
inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside
main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S:
Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the
cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on
windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold
mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on
ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S:
Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset
to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to
stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in
OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in
windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is
missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P:
Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten
up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed
target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat
installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming
from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something
with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget 
 

---

Pafl:

Q: Why was Karl Marx buried at Highgate Cemetery in London?



A: Because he was dead.

skipinnz: LOL, glad u enjoyed them lol

mybirthdaysoon: I see you kept the best till last LOL

Milioi: good one!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes
flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a
time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One
is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we
all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the
days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is
a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in
the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and
drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One
day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the
bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The
Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye
and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me.....I've
quit drinking!"

Memo to all elves:

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Jane had been driving 16 hours straight and was still at least six hours away from her destination. It was almost eight o'clock in the morning and she was very tired.
After dozing off and nearly crashing into a telephone pole, she decided to pull onto a side road and rest.

Jane turned off the car and closed her eyes ... drifting off to sleep, precious sleep ...

When an old man in a bright blue jogging suit knocked on her window, scaring her half to death.

"Sorry to wake you," he huffed, jogging in place. "But can you tell me what time it is?"

Jane glanced at her watch. "8:15," she said through the glass.

The old man thanked her, then left.

"Just my luck," she muttered. "I'm parked on someone's jogging route."

With a sigh, she settled back into her seat and tried to fall asleep.

Two male joggers in their thirties knocked on her window. If she hadn't been dead tired, she would have found them cute. Now, they were just annoying.

"Hi," the blond jogger said.

"Do you have the time?" his brown-haired friend asked.

Jane sighed and looked at her watch. "8:19," she said.

"Thanks," they said, then jogged off.

Jane looked down the road and saw more joggers coming her way. Irritated, she retrieved a pen from the glove box and scrawled 'I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME' on the back of a magazine. She put the hastily constructed sign in the window and settled back to sleep.

A thin, pale jogger knocked on the window just as she started dozing off.

Jane pointed at the sign and shouted, "Can't you read?"

To which he replied, "Sure I can, ma'am. I just wanted to let you know: It's

A rabbit and a snake once met. The rabbit said to the snake, "I wonder what sort of creature you are." The snake replied, "I also wonder what you are."

So the rabbit said, "Okay, I'll tell you." "No," answered the snake, "we both should guess. I'll start. You have white fur, long ears and a cotton tail. You must be an albino rabbit."

Now it was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "You have scales and a forked tongue, but you don't have ears. You must be a music critic."

Cheri:

Cheri: 

How can you tell when a fairy has been using your computer?

Pixel dust

hexkid: 

Did you hear about the school teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his snow boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, They're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, They were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, Now, where are your Mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

Milioi: Your joke, which is one of the best I've seen on this site, is very welcome in my fellowship:
Laugh it up, M8 (Vtipy od 18ti)

Purple:probably ....

Milioi: I deleted the post in the wake of two complaints sent to me. As a general rule jokes regarding religious matters are probably not a good idea.

Rose: I did't delete, it was deleted, but the result is the same.

Since Milioi deleted his post I doubt if youd all mind me removing your posts pertaining to the message as they will confuse readers since the post is no longer there.

OK, bible has been deleted. I didn't see anything, that wasn't "family friendly" on this thing. And also I see this less offensive than drawings mentioned by King Reza - because islam forbids picturing of the prophet, but I haven't seen anywhere that christianism forbids labeling the bible...
But it is decision of moderator of the board and that's it.

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist
appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday
or right when they're about to leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or
cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers
outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, "You're not the boss of me."

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again
for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

After you get done laughing, send this to as many females as you think will get a kick out of it and as many men as you think can handle it.









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King Reza: lol good jokes

King Reza: love that one..lol

King Reza: Superb!

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha
went to the Illinois State Fair.  There is this man selling
plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. 
Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really
should try that."  Martha replies, "I know you want
to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is
tight, and $10 is $10."  So Stumpy goes without. Over the
next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy
wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about
70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70
now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just
have to have a ride in that there airplane."  Martha
replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps
down.  The pilot is standing near by and overhears the
conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I
couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for
you.  I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both
make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the
slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free.  But if either of
you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look
at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop
de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins.  No sound. The pilot
lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to
hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was
my best stuff."  Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says,
"Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10
is $10!"

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter!)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine

My business luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work
its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to
go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal

Sarah1980:

yoyudax: I liked that one.