A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat, pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied as she thought to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Well, you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!
--

10 ways to tell if a redneck has been working on your computer...

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.
A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WENCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Oh, well. If only men would listen....

Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!"

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

LOL

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him, he's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks....
"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"And my dearest, Donald," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!" she exclaimed.

What happens at these Fahrenheit temperatures:

+65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.
+60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
+50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
+40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably.     Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 - Italian cars don't start.
+32 - Water freezes.
+30 - You plan your vacation to Australia.
+25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
+20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City   water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther South.
+15 - French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
+10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+ 5 - American cars don't start.
    0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians     actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your  trip South.
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

2 Cajun women were visiting when water started to flood their living room.They decided to go upstairs,still running their mouths.The water just kept rising and rising.The 2 women make their way to the roof of the house still running their mouths.The water rose until it was level with the eave of the house.One woman watched a hat floating in the water.She said to her friend,look at that hat.It floats out a little piece and comes to the eave of the house and floats out again,her friend still running her mouth.The 1st lady still watching the hat.The 2nd lady said Honey child don't worry bout that hat,that's my husband.I told him come hell or high water he was goona mow that yard...

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle.His mother decided he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.
She said,Well Leroy it isn't Christmas and we don'thave the money to just go out and buy any thing you want..So why don't you write to Jesus and ask for one instead.
After a temper tantrum,his mother sent him to his room.There, he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus:
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your friend, Leroy
Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of a boy he was (brat).So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try:
Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.Your's truly,Leroy
Well Leroy looked way down deep in his heart.He knew he had been terrible and was undeserving. He crumpled up the letter,threw it in the trash can and went outside.He aimlessly wandered and found himself in front of a Catholic Church.He finally went inside and knelt down:lookng around not really knowing what to do.
Leroy finally got up and looked at the statue in the foyer.All of a sudden he grabbed the statue running home.Leroy hid the ststue under his bed and wrote this letter:
Jesus,
I got your mama.If you ever want to see her again give me a bike.
Signed,You know who