What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.99/lb. and deer nuts are under a buck.

Wal-mart is closing 269 stores in 2016...putting 14 cashiers out of work.

Men and women have different ways of cleaning a toilet. Women use bleach and rinse twice. Men just pee on the poop stain as hard as they can....;-)

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas. I unwind by drinking myself silly while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging may work with your folks, but that doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting bullied at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

21 top one liners

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy .. I'd have had
nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.  I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
5. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.  I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox; the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"  He
said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said.."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Police in Edwardsville, Ill., charged David Wroten, 20, with fraud in September after, they say, he took out membership in an online dating service by paying with a check drawn on the county jail, where he had been held earlier this year for theft. Wroten, like all inmates, had been issued a check for the cash he had on him when he was booked, and he allegedly copied the check form. Police were confident Wroten was their man because, naturally, he had posted a photograph of himself on the dating service site.

[Belleville News-Democrat, 9-30-04]

In school one day the teacher decided that in
science class she would teach about materials;
So she stood in the front of the class and said,
"Children, if you could have one raw material in
the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would
want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money
and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because
platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy
a Corvette"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little
Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would
want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two
bags of it and you should see all the sports cars
outside our house!!

http://www.pianoladynancy.com/are_you_a_dummy.htm

SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick.

As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.

Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story.

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from
$250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for
the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer
that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling
naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she
appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good
Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never
heard the SHOT, Funeral services are pending.........

Chutzpah!
Minneapolis firefighter Gerald Brown, 55, who was fired in 1995 for abuse of sick leave, but who won a contentious grievance hearing and was reinstated with 18 months' back pay, was scheduled to return to work on June 2, 1997. When that day arrived, he called in sick. [Star Tribune, 6-7-97]

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.
"Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the living room, he said, "You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me."

The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her?

"Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story.

"Well, thash me!"

This is the ultimate response to a Dear John letter.  You gotta love a man like this.  Humor in the face of defeat. A marine was deployed to Afghanistan.  While he was there he received a
letter from his girlfriend.  In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him AND she wanted pictures of herself back.  So the marine did what any squared away marine would do.  He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.  He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are.  Please remove your picture and send the rest back".

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she
just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders
mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy
Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy
Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of
them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then she
stomped them flat and said........ "Well, it might be okay in
California, Vermont, and New York, but we're not having any of that
crap in Texas

Two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While they
were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg
away and said, "I just have to go to the washroom. Be back in a minute."
Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky
egglige, running her hands up and down her smooth, oval body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head,
covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he
was doing.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the
head with a spoon."

With Summer here, these will be useful to read before your next BBQ.

10. Friends don't let friends BBQ drunk! (a message from
M.A.B.B., mothers against burnt burgers)

9. Make sure you are not barbecuing your dog's chew toy.

8. Shave hair off hands and arms to prevent flame-ups.

7. If it moos when you put a fork in it, slap it back on the grill.

6. A 'bbq spit' is NOT saliva.

5. There is more than one way to skin a cat.

4. Singed eyelashes grow back in about four weeks.
3. Always test your grill for the proper temperature. The
use of your dog's nose, however, is not recommended.

2. Cleaning the grill with your wife's hairbrush is unsanitary.

1. Never ever throw a shrimp on the barbie.

Fancy a quick drink?
Beer, as all alcoholic drinks, is made by fermentation caused by bacteria feeding on the yeast cells, then defecating. This bacterial excrement is called alcohol.

Make mine a double...
The worlds strongest beer is 'Samuel Adams' Triple Bock, which has reached 17% alcohol by volume. To obtain this level, however, they had to use a champagne yeast.

Just in case you were thinking of driving...
Modern breathalyzers work on a clever electrochemical principle. The subject's breath is passed over a platinum electrode, which causes the alcohol to bind with oxygen, forming acetic acid. In the process it loses two electrons, a process that sets up a current in a wire connected to the electrode. The higher the concentration of alcohol in the breath, the greater the electrical current, which can be read by a simple meter to indicate intoxication levels.

Party Animal...
Attila the Hun was suspected of suffocating from a bloody nose after passing out from alcohol at his 'bachelor party'.

Alcoholism in America...
Reno, Nevada has the highest rate of alcoholism in the U.S., Provo, Utah, the lowest. Now there's a big surprise all round!Interesting fact

The saying 'Mind your P's and Q's' comes from the time when alcoholic beverages were served/sold in Pints and Quarts. Thus, to mind your P's and Q's meant to be careful how much you drank.

Well, if that's the law...
It is always helpful to have a law that clearly defines when a person is legally intoxicated. In Kentucky, anyone who has been drinking is considered sober until he or she cannot hold onto the ground.

Toddlers...
The term 'toddlers' originated in England. There were impurities in the drinking water that disallowed the water to be used for drinking. A common alternative drink was beer (it was cheep, plentiful and the water used to make it was treated during the initial boiling during brewing). Toddlers, just weaning off of mothers milk were unaccustomed to the effects of beer. This coupled with the fact that they were just learning how to walk really made them toddle.

Dispelling the stereotypes...
In the mid 70's, Australians were the 3rd biggest beer drinker in the world. (behind Germany and Belgium). In the late 90's, they don't even get into the top ten!

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.
A tube of K-Y jelly A rubber glove and A beer.

When the doctor finally came in, the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The Doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......
"Darn it Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife has no idea what the inside of a whorehouse smells like". 

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the s***, and disappear for rest of day."