Jim Dandy:

1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the
steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not
unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the
vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to
have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother
Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb As digging continues into the night.

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too ----------- stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Haridaspal: