A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.



When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.



Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

I just got 74 meters LOL

ScarletRose: LOL........ ya.....steady idle hands LOL

ScarletRose: LOL! I got to 63 :)

BIG BAD WOLF: Got 8

Get the Drunk Home
Try this and see how far you can keep this drunk man up.
Hysterical........You just move your mouse left to right (no clicking )

To keep him walking in a straight line. The object of the game is to keep him walking, without falling over, by using your mouse from left to right or right to left - you can't see your mouse which makes it more difficult.

Apparently the record is 82 meters! And it's in German !

CLICK ON THE HYPERLINK BELOW TO PLAY - ITS ADDICTIVE.

www.wagenschenke.ch

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one was a brunette, and one was a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".

Am I Really Too Old??




I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.


They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.


For starters:

Researchers say 18-year- olds think about sex every 10 seconds.

Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.



Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.





An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.



Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however..... I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."



And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.






All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death..

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

ScarletRose:

Hi

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"

A Real Brain Teaser!


Read this sentence:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF- IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count aloud the ' F' s in that sentence.



Count them ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again.

Then see below..





The answer is below. (scroll down)















ANSWER:

There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds
three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you
got five, you can turn your nose up at most anybody. If you caught six,
you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the OFs. The
human brain tends to see them as "V's" instead of "F's".

One day, a blonde named Sally
was putting together a jigsaw puzzle.


She was really stumped and very frustrated,
so she decided to ask her husband for help.


''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.


''Honey," said her husband,
"Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''

harley: sorry Harley

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity



What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.



What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.


Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase
cars they have no intention of driving.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.


What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"



What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale
and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"

Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, and he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parents' room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to to his father, " I think I understand Politics now."

The father replies, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is."

The boy promptly answers, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble."

ScarletRose: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm interesting

ScarletRose: Thanks Hon! I laughed my ass off too when i heard it!

INVENTORAMF: LOL!

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN.

This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns.

Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his
"manhood" was mangled and tornfro m his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the
doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his butt.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."

tazman7474: LOL........good one!

pgt: Not quite sure yet............think my middle! LOL

I can tell that joke 'cause i'm half Irish :)

What's the difference with a Irish wedding and a Irish wake?


One less drunk :)