A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars, and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.
"The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine!"

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer,then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Walter Montego: Acutally a person from the back seat can also use the atm. And a person doesn't have to be completely blind to make use of the braille system.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber..."I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces."The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas,playing in the mud, with empty "food boxes and wrappers" strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house... and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry-way, he found an even bigger mess.... A lamp had been knocked over (broken), and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room... the TV was loudly blaring a "cartoon channel", and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of children's clothing. In the kitchen... dishes filled the sink,breakfast food was spilled on the counter-top, the refrigerator door was wide open, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something rather serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water, as it made its way out from under the bathroom door. As he peered inside, he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor... Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap, and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, there he found his wife... still curled up in the bed In her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him,smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her, bewildered, and asked,
"What the heck happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work, and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well... today I didn't do it."

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

"Dear God,
I am a 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
" Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those people at the Post
Office.
Sincerely yours
"Edna".

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."


He never heard the shot....

Thad: and you can bet she wouldn't mind asking for directions had there been anyone nearby

Jim Dandy: I wasn't privy to such a detail but an answer to your query would certainly determine 'how' funny the joke was

After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said,"Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now,we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofabed.

I shut up and took out the trash.

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up-stream and walked across the bridge.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle, named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies and, before long, he discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I golf."

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, " . ... everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test.You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
"Oh."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game.
At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians
buy only a single ticket.
"How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket? " asks an
American. "Watch and you'll see, " answers a Canadian. They all board the train.
The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom
and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please. " The door opens
just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it
and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip
and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket? " asks one perplexed American.
"Watch and you'll see, " answers a Canadian.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and
the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train
leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the
bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door, and says,
"Ticket,please. "
SMART FOLKS, US CANADIANS eh?

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled
down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their 60th wedding
anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they
hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had
carved "I love you, Sally."



On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored
car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't
know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the
money, and it's $50,000.



The husband says, "We've got to give it back."



She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and
hides it up in their attic.



The next day, 2 FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me,
but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car
yesterday?"



She says, "No."



The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."



She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."



But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says,
"Tell us the story from the beginning."



The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday..."



The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here...

<<This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who
>
>knows nothing and cares less makes your life miserable. ~~~~~~~
>A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
>Rome
>with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
>responded,
>"Rome?
>Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of
>Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
>"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
>"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
>Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
>always
>late.
>So, where are you staying in Rome?
> "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
>called Teste."
>"Don't go any further." I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to
>be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst
>hotel
> in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're
>overpriced.
> So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
> "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
> "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
>
> trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
>this
> lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
> A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
> asked her about her trip to Rome.
> "It was wonderful," exclaimed the woman, "not only were we on time in
> one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they
>bumped us up to first class.
>"The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
> steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd
>just
> finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest
> hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and
>gave us
> their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
> "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
>
> you didn't get to see the Pope."
> "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
> Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes
>to
> meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
>private Suite.
>Later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
> down and he spoke a few words to me."
> "Oh, really! What'd he say?"
> He said, "Where'd you get the s***ty hairdo?"

Perhaps the ladies whom you 'believe' didn't get it were just being polite so as not to injure the male pride that is the most sensitive of all earthly things!! ;-) LOL
FYI...I saw it coming down the road before the first knock! LOL