it says...




ALSO THE BRIDGE IS OUT AHEAD

ha ha ha ha Some good ones there Nirvana!!!

Who managed to get a pic of my twin??? lol

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions
while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet coke. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error"
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ....... I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold...

<A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.
> > His friends plead with him to let them take him home.
> > He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five
> > blocks from party, the police pull him over for
> > weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
> >
> > Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a
> > notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a
> > block away. The police tell the party animal to stay
> > put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and
> > run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and
> > waits and finally decides to drive home.
> >
> > When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to
> > bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him
> > that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
> >
> > A few hours later the police knock on the door.
> >
> > They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes.
> > They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed
> > with the flu and has been so all day. The police have
> > his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she
> > asks why.

> > They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to
> > the garage and opens the door and there sits their
> > police car, lights still flashing.
> >
> > True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
> >
> >

One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

<> The Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program. Not Wanting to
> harm this old body, I've devised the following:
>
> Monday
> Beat around the bush
> Jump to conclusions
> Climb the walls
> Wade through the morning paper
>
> Tuesday
> Drag my heels
> Push my luck
> Make Mountains out of mole hills
> Hit the nail on the head
>
> Wednesday
> Bend over backwards
> Jump on the Band Wagon
> Run around in circles
>
> Thursday
> Advise the President on how to run the country
> Toot my own horn
> Pull out all the stops
> Add fuel to the fire
>
> Friday
> Open a can of worms
> Put my foot in my mouth
> Start the ball rolling
> Go over the edge
>
> Saturday
> Kneel in prayer
> Bow my head in thanksgiving
> Uplift my hands in praise
> Hug someone and encourage them.

>Sunday
>Too knackered to get out of my pit.
>
>
> Whew! What a workout!

"Old Man Joke"

A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.

"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

Ha ha ha ha Summertop.. that had me in stitches! lmao!!!

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports
for her first day
promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins
to rant about
the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing
up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so
the two men march
down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up
that there are Elmos
all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end
of the line stands the
new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of
marbles. The men watch
in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
marbles and begins
to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls
himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her,
barely able to
keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your
job is to give each
Elmo two test tickles

<>Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. A small boy
> >wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the
> >lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she
asked.
>
> >"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
> >
> >================================================
> >
> >A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He
had
>
> >made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
> >When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army
> men
> >in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
> >Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - 'The best part of waking up
> is
> >soldiers in your cup !"
> >
> >================================================
> >
> >An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally
>
> >asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The boy thought it
over
>
> >and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming
>
> >the door until St. Peter says, For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay
> >out.'"
> >
> >===============================================
> >
> >A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home
> >one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
> >fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
> >duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No,"
said
>
> >another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to
> a
> >close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
> >
> >===============================================
> >
> >Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
> her
> >face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful,"
> >said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's
> >the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a
year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.

Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he

could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the

speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked

him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds ?

POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is

made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

"No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"

"All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.We

don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?

POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: is your wife a nagger?

POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?

POLE: SHE going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store

and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover".

<Happy Holidays!!
>
> Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual
> trip...but
> there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee
> elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was
> beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
>
> Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed
> Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
> of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were
out;
> heaven knows where to... More Stress!
>
> Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the
> toy
> bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa
> went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he
went
> to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was
> nothing
> to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into
> hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
> broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
>
> Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He
> opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
> tree.
>
> The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"
>
> And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the
> Christmas tree

Christmas Cookies

Here is how to make my favorite Christmas Cookie:

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila



Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you
calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll
like it"

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
What's the damage?"

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
credi! t card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be
using it."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a
July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke
your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics."

ha ha ha!!!!! lmao!

Now you know everything!!!!
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as
substitute for blood
plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7
times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching
television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty
years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's
gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a
mustache.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by
eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in
first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead
skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung
cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The three most valuable brand names on
earth:Marlboro,Coca Cola and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not
downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept
at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne
particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my
toothbrush in the living room
now.)
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president
whose name contains all the letters from the word
"criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Now you know everything there is to know.

Christmas has been cancelled
and its all your fault
because you told Santa
you had been good this year

And he died laughing!

Reindeer

Here's some refreshing news!!

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male
and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer
drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually later November to Mid
December. Female reindeer however, retain their antlers till after
giving birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudoloph to Blitzen had to be
a girl.

We should have known. Only a woman, while pregnant, would be able to
drag a fat man in a red velvet suit around the world in one night and not get
lost.

Excellent Chicken Recipe (I wonder if it would work for a Turkey? If so, this is quite timely.)


When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who
just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not
dried out.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn
(ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
______________________________

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter,
salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking
pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies
across the room, it is done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook!

Would you like my baked bean recipe?

<A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad

> attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was
> rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the
> bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music
> and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
> Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
> back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
> John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
> freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
> suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
> Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
> The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
> believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely
> remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
> everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
> John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
> ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird
> continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Because I'm a man,
when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long
after hypothermia has set in.
----------------

Because I'm a man,
when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us
will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with
all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We
will then drink beer.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do,
so for you this isn't a problem.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or
bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For
all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances,
expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a
euphemism.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart,
despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair
person gets here and has to put it back together.
-------------------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If
the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it
(although one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and
ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the
hell could he know where we're going?
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always
either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when
you ask, so don't ask.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or
talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And
don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying
at the end of it, I didn't.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five
minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or
without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
now?
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally in the
housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
----------------------------------------------
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the
Male

An Australian dies and is sent to hell. He had been a horrible man throughout life and even the devil wanted to punish him, so he puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. "Love my kingdom!" laughs the devil.
After a couple of days the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as he looks at the Aussie happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"
The Aussie, smiling big, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of January in Australia. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Aussies remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Aussie is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.
Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The Aussie replies, "This is great! Just like April in Darwin. It reminds me of working out in the fields with spring planting!"
The devil is now completely baffled. Angry, and desperate to make hell really hell, he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the Australian unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is aghast at what he sees. The Aussie is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero!?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down the Aussie throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Wallabies won the World Cup!!!"

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York a couple of days before
Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that
your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the
sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call
your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way
they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She
calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are not
getting
divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother
back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

1. Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word were misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of
a dead tree and eat candy out
of your socks?

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up
in the first place!
2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just
"chunky
dunk".
3. The early bird still has to eat worms.
4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
5. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
the difference.
6. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
haven't
fallen asleep yet.
8. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's
what
he said.
9. Just remember.....if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but
they
can in prison?
11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started with something called labor!
12. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

sorry you do not like what i post pedro.. but surely we all have a different sense of humour...
what one enjoys another doesn't!.. that is a fact of life!!!

<> MY RESIGNATION
>
> I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as
> an adult.
> I have decided I would like to accept the
> responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
>
> I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a
> four star restaurant.
>
> I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and
> make a sidewalk with rocks.
>
> I want to think M&Ms are better than money because
> you can eat them.
>
> I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a
> lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's
> day.
>
> I want to return to a time when life was simple,
> when all you knew were colours, multiplication
> tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother
> you, because you didn't know what you didn't know
> and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy
> because you were blissfully unaware of all the
> things that should make you worried or upset.
>
> I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is
> honest and good. I want to believe that anything is
> possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities
> of life and be overly excited by the little things
> again.
>
> I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to
> consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
> depressing news, how to survive more days in the
> month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills,
> gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
>
> I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a
> kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the
> imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
>
> So . . . here's my chequebook and my car keys, my
> credit card bills I am officially resigning from
> adulthood.
>
> And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have
> to catch me first, cause........
>
> ........"Tag! You're it."
> Pass this to someone and brighten their day by
> helping them remember
> the Simple things in Life.
>
> ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
>
> Hope Ya'll join me !

ut oh.....

<Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
>
>Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
>repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
>
>Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
>you a check.
>
>Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog.
>He won't bother you.
>
>But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
>talk to my parrot!"
>
>"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
>
>When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following
>day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has
>ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on
>the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
>
>The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
>incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
>
>Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
>yelled,
>
>"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied,
>
>"Get him, Spike!"

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"


The cabdriver hit a parked car...

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two
dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says,
"I'm sorry,
Gentlemen. Only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in
the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one,
naturally, became
known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. There were two Eskimos sitting in a kayak. They
were cold so they
lit a fire, and the craft sank. It only proved, once
again, that you
can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
West. He slides
up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man
who shot my
paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they
moved
off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an
open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
other goes to a
family in Spain and they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving
the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've
seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments,
so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across
town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to
close down,
but they would not. He went back and begged the
friars to close.
They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back
if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with
his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him... what?
Answer: A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten
different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

<> Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's
> wife went into labor
> > in the middle of the night, and the doctor was
> called out to perform the
> > Delivery. Since there was no electricity, the
> doctor handed the
> > Father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold
> this high so I can see
> > what I am doing!." Soon, a baby boy was brought
> into the world.
> >
> > "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a
> rush to put that
> > lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
> Sure enough, within
> > minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
> >
> > "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's
> another one!" said the
> > doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a
> third baby.
> >
> > "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern,
> it seems there's yet
> > another one coming!" cried the doctor.
> >
> > The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment,
> and asked the doctor,
> > "You reckon it might be the light that's
> attractin' em?

they might of done, but i didn't! cos while you were watching them.. i got you from behind! ha ha ha...
Hope the bump on the head doesn't hurt too much!!!!! lol