A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, "How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?" "Um, just a minute, if you please," he murmured. Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally polite, "Thank you," as the phone went dead.

Two blondes are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob.

"Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't
want all the nitro in the boot to explode."

"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box
under the seat . . . "

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'

There was 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde 1 brunette and a red-head. The city where they wanted to be was 20 miles away with sea between the the island and the city. The red-head swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette sawm 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back!!

Foxy Lady: So my face fits in with this DB? ;)

Foxy Lady: Hey, here's a funny for you. My wife and I are watching "Finding Neverland" and look over at the baby infant seat in our downstairs.....and our little Yorkie is in it!!! lolol!!

yoyudax: so that's my problem lol!

nobleheart: lol, those were great ::)

ClayNashvilleTn: wooooooo hooooOOo! That was funny! ;) ok, I got a good one

but can't remember the punch line....darn it!

ScarletRose: I heard that one already. My wife said those exact words when we were dating!

Now she says....hehehe can't say it here ;)

ScarletRose:

YOU are a great one too Scarlet!!! ;)

ScarletRose: Way toooooo funny!!!!!

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy.




The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a
really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into
effect at noon the next day.




So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the
man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going
when you died."




"No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my
lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was
half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as
I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The
nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his
fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed
in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This
ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first
thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first
thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out
onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories
and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and
died almost instantly."




The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK sir.
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.




A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it
was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died." Trump said, "No problem.
But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th
floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of
pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I
got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his
apartment, starts cursing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I
fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so
I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground,
unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his
refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and
lands on top of me, killing me instantly."




The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I
could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well,"
the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets
Trump enter.




A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is
almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination pour through the
Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. Clinton, please tell me what it was
like the day you died."




Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator
.........

nobleheart: tooo late!@@@!!!!

ClayNashvilleTn: Really? Remember Clay, YOU approved that post.

Oh I get it, this is the joke board and that's a joke!!! lol

ClayNashvilleTn: Does that mean no more fart or poopie jokes?? ;)

skipinnz: good one! sadly true too!

Old Tree
We have an old tree that became diseased and was
losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant
and called a tree surgeon.

The communication was mangled and when the surgeon
arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street.

He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried
to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up
the wrong tree!"

Thad: I knew that ;)

tazman7474: tha's so corney!! ;)

Ghost Poopie : The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's nothing in the toilet.

Clean Poopie : The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet,
but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie : The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels
unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt
and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie : It happens when you're done poopie-ing and you pull your
pants up, and you realize that you have to poopie some
more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Poopie : The kind where you strain so much to get
it out, you practically have a stroke.

Richard Simmons Poopie : You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.

Lincoln Log Poopie : The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to
flush without breaking it up into little pieces with
the toilet brush.

Gasey Poopie : It is so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling.

Drinker Poopie : The kind of poopie you have after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticable trait is the tread marks on the bottom
of the toilet.

Corn Poopie : Self-explainitory.

Gee I Wish I Could Poopie Poopie : It's the kind where you want to poopie
but all you do is sit on the toilet,
cramped, and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie : That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear
it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) : The kind that comes out so fast, your
butt cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie : The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
butt and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Food Poopie : It smells so bad the room must be condemned.

Upper Class Poopie : The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.

"Fisherman" Bobber Poopie : That's the kind where you are in a public
restroom, there are two people waiting on your
stall, you poopie and flush two times, but
several golfball size pieces are still floating
above the water line.

BIG BAD WOLF: tooooo funny!!!

BIG BAD WOLF: lol where did you find that!

http://www.funnies.com/osama.htm

This is me when I was younger.


http://www.geocities.com/johnniemccoy/monkeybutt.mpg

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

Three boys were in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy said, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a poem, and they give him $50!"

The second boy said, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy said, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon. It takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A man asked the barber “How much for a haircut?”
“$5.50.” said the barber.
“And how much for a shave?”
“$3.00 sir.”
“Very well, shave my head.”

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.
On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."

A Sunday school teacher was teaching on heaven to a class of
kindergarten aged students.

She asked them, "Kids if I sell my house and my car, and
give all the money to the poor, do I get to go heaven?"

The children in unison replied, "No."

She asked them again, "What if I quit my job and spend all
my time helping orphans, then do I go to heaven?"

The children again replied "No."

The teacher then asked the children, "Okay, just how do I
get to heaven?"

Little Tommy in the back row slipped up his hand.

"Yes Tommy, how do I get to heaven?" the teacher asked.

He replied, "You gotta be dead first!

Three ducks, in line, are crossing the road. “The duck in the back says,
“Quack!!!!, .......quack!!!!”

The duck in the front says, “Hey, I’m moving as fast as I can!”

A lady goes into the hospital to have a very serious operation. While on the operating table. Undergoing preparation, she flat lines and soon finds herself standing before St. Peter. She begins to wonder what she is doing there. "Are you sure that I'm suppose to be here, St. Peter?" St. Peter says: “Let me look at the Book of Life." He looks carefully and says: “Why, no, my good woman, you're not due here for 30 or 40 years!" Suddenly, the lady wakes up in the O.R. and the doctor says: Wow! We thought we had lost you! We've consulted here and we decided you don't need this operation at this time." The lady hesitates and says: “Doctor, since I'm here and all prepped could you perhaps see what you can do about this flabbiness under my arms? And maybe give me a little tummy tuck and..... Oh! Oh, how about these facial laugh lines?" A week later, she is walking across the hospital parking lot when she is hit and killed by a truck. She goes again before S. Peter and she asks: “I thought you said I'm not due here for 30 or 40 years?" St. Peter says:" I didn't recognize you, my dear!"

Quotes

"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

- "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)

- "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)

- After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)

- On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush)

- "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno)

- "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman)

- "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

LOL Cole :)

Scarlet!!!!!!!! :) I missed you

lol Jestone....I'd sit too!

:) I have an office space there too.

Proverbs 21:19
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

KJV For the men with a camping spirit ;)

lol too funny :)

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today: it's
already tomorrow in Australia.

The orthopedic surgeon Jane worked for was moving to a new office, and she was helping transport many of the items. She sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, with his bony arm across the back of her seat.

Jane hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside her became obvious, so she looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you this lady, but I think it's too late!"

hmmmmmmmm

:) but it was funny, no? ;)

This list has come across my path... I don't know of it's
accuracy, but it sure has some interesting (and humorous) info:

Did you know?

-Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently
arrived immigrants.

-Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.

-Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

-Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

-It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

-Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

-It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

-The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch
every year because when it was built, engineers failed to
take into account the weight of all the books that would
occupy the building.

-A snail can sleep for three years.

-No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

-Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

-Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose
and ears never stop growing.

-The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

-All polar bears are left-handed.

-An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

-TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters only on one row of the keyboard.

-"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.

-A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

-The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

-Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

-Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their
elbow.

You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

Scientist revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 percent of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn’t drive.
“No further testing is planned.

<AD ducks and runs for cover>

Two children went into their parent's bathroom and noticed
the scale in the corner.

"Whatever you do," cautioned one child to the younger one,
"don't step on it!"

"Why not?" asked the sibling.

"Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"

An old prospector had never seen railroad tracks or trains
before, having lived his whole life in the desert. Thus,
when railroad tracks were built near his claim, and he was
visiting their curious site by walking down the ties, he was
oblivious to the sound of the train whistle, because it
meant nothing to him.

He didn't move out of the way. Fortunately it was only a
glancing blow, but it did result in some minor injuries, a
few broken bones, and some bruises, requiring several weeks
in the hospital to recover.

Back at his friend's house after being released from the
hospital, he was in the kitchen when the teakettle started
whistling. He immediately grabbed a bat from a nearby
closet and bashed the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump
of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen to
find out what was happening. When he saw the lump of metal
he asked the prospector, "Why'd you do that to my brand new
teakettle?"

The prospector replied with complete sincerity, "Because...
you gotta kill them things when they're small."

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to take out a life insurance policy. “Now supposing your husband were to die,” he said, “what would you get?
“Oh, a Bulldog, I think,” replied the housewife. “They are always good company!”

A woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks the assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver.

The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer.

At that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the physician and asks, "Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?"

"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my darn bag open."

Just remember, someone ELSE made that thing up! I just found it (you could say I just .... followed my nose) ;)