A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me
Elmo factory. The personnel manager
explains her duties, and tells her to report
to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock
at the personnel manager's door. The
assembly line foreman comes in and starts
ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the
whole line is backing up. The foreman
takes the personnel manager down to the
factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all
over the place. At the end of the line is the
new employee. She has a roll of the
material used for the Elmos and a big bag
of marbles. They both watch as she cuts
a little piece of fabric, wraps it around
two marbles, and starts sewing the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing
hysterically. After several minutes he
pulls himself together, walks over to the
woman, and says "I'm sorry, I guess you
misunderstood me yesterday. Your job
is to give Elmo two test tickles."

ok He died

With Christmas now coming closer each day I'm sending you this little story..........
Moose
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Well, that's the trouble idn't it ?
I don't believe anything Rodney says unless Rodney says it :P

21 top one liners

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy .. I'd have had
nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.  I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
5. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.  I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox; the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"  He
said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said.."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Police in Edwardsville, Ill., charged David Wroten, 20, with fraud in September after, they say, he took out membership in an online dating service by paying with a check drawn on the county jail, where he had been held earlier this year for theft. Wroten, like all inmates, had been issued a check for the cash he had on him when he was booked, and he allegedly copied the check form. Police were confident Wroten was their man because, naturally, he had posted a photograph of himself on the dating service site.

[Belleville News-Democrat, 9-30-04]

no, it's a typical day in my life...I would say sorry, but probably wouldn't mean it : )

Its wrong, at the end, she definately wouldnt say sorry LOL

You polled panda for that answer!

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that
they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle,
actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that
they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE
THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE
HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

There was a web addy written at the bottom and was a pervy site :o(

Stevie, I went on that link, read that story and saw nothing wrong. So you weren't the only one who missed whatever it was!

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it's worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in -- and then the trouble started.....

good job the mods didnt pick up on it LOL

that's ok, I've beed had like that too. it's a good example of what can go wrong with clicking :)

ooooooops i just looked again, i guess you were on about the site url that was put ontop of the picture at the bottom.
Thanks for pointing that out

oh bum, was a funny story too :o(

click on the link

Its a newspaper cutting that someone sent a link to me via email. whats wrong?? its a natinal uk paper and even goes overseas

Stievie, leaving that link is a VERY bad idea. you've had better ones.

removed link

Haha..good one Prisha!!

To anyone who has ever gotten a speeding ticket!







A woman was driving down the road yesterday (5 miles over the speed
limit). She passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun
on the other side, lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to
the car, and, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
asked, "What's your hurry?"

She replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?"

"A rectum stretcher."

"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my
way up to two fingers, then three, then four. Then with my whole hand in, I
work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly,
but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he
asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00

Court Costs: $45.00

The Look on the Cop's Face: PRICELESS

Three cheers for harley!!

Happy to help :o)

She has agreed to serve as co-moderator here and will help enforce the standard of family friendly jokes and on topic posts. Thanks Harley and we request the co-operation of those posting.

LOL:) thats pretty good,red! I didnt think real jokes were allowed here anymore...oh wait,the moderator is gone now,thats why.
*edit*the posts in question were removed by the new moderator...thx harley:-)

What do you call a girl who has one leg shorter than the other?

Ilene.

What about an Asian girl with the same disfigurement?

Irene. (can't pronounce the r/l diff..ah well...it sounds better than it reads)

ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's brown and looks through your bedroom window at night?


Poo on stilts.

A little girl falls down a well and can't get out. Her brother stands there and does nothing. Finally hearing the screams a neighbor runs over and pulls the girl out. He looks at the brother and asks, "why didn't you do something to help her?" So the boy replys, "how can I be a brother and assist her too?"

A man walks into a phyciatrists office. Says, "doc I keep having these alternate recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwan. Its driving me crazy. Whats wrong with me?"
The doctor answers, "it's simple. You are two tents."

Budgerigar. They're birds from Australia often kept as pets.

Wish I'd said sparrows now!

I'm sure that'd be funny if I was enlightened as to what a "budgie" (or is it "budgy"?) is.

:-)

Two budgies on a perch. One turns to the other and says, 'Can you smell fish?'

An old man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.
Having never seen a priest before, he asked, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."

The older gent thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the Father for many."

The older fellow quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have five sons, six daughters and too many grandchildren to count... But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."

Now the kindly old gentleman was stunned and sat silently for a long time.

As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Well, sonny, perhaps, it's your pants you should wear backwards."

The Redhead
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman.  Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies. . . . . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."

She done really dug that one, ya knows who eyes mean, non-oddar den da high grandasaltum misteress, SISTER JASMINE NOXEMA-TAPIOCA an' her unscrutable companium, SISTER OB'DEWLLA 'X' Sheik yo NAKKINS, MaMMiEs!


                ~ MS

 
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, 
and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, 
which they called 'Yam.' 
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. 
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked,
 so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, 
and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' 
and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
 Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into 
the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! 
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home 
and become a Couch Potato either. 
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be 
skinny like her Shoestring cousins. 
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato 
told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. 
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. 
And when she went out west, 
to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. 
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow 
and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, 
or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise 
their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' 
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. 
(that's Potato University) so that when she graduated 
she'd really be in the Chips. 
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam 
came home and announced she was going to marry 
Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. 
Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't 
possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.... 

Are you ready for this? 
Are you sure?............................ 
OK! Here it is! Scroll Down....





A COMMON TATER!

How to phone:
http://www.dusky.sk/pics/2004-10/phone.jpg

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the Rules when dealing with women.

Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.



Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:

MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY


Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed....................... +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......... .... 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets .................. -1

You leave the toilet seat up . ............... -5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty ............... 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........................ -1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom ....... -2

You go out to buy her a treat ................ .... +5

In the snow ............. +8

But return with beer ..... -5

And no treat ....... -25

You check out a suspicious noise at night ..... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing ........ 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something ..... +5

You pummel it with a six iron ...... +10

It's her cat
............................ -40



AT THE PARTY:

You stay by her side the entire party
.......... +1

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy
........... -2

Named Tiffany
......... -4

Tiffany is a dancer .......
. -10

With breast implants
...... -18


HER BIRTHDAY:

You remember her birthday
....... 0

You buy a card and flowers
....... 0

You take her out to dinner
........ 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar
........ +1

Okay, it is a sports bar
......... -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night ............. -3

It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team.
..................... - 10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go with a pal
............... 0

The pal is happily married
...... +1

The pal is single
....................... -7

He drives a Ferrari
................. -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED
.................. -15


A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie
........ +2

You take her to a movie she likes ........ +4

You take her to a movie you hate
....... +6

You take her to a movie you like
............... -2

It's called Death Cop III
......... -3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans
............ -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans
...... -15


YOUR PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable pot belly
............. -15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it ........ +10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts ...-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too
............. -800


THE BIG QUESTION: She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding

....... -10

You reply, "Where ................ -35

You reply, "No, I think it's your ass" .......... -100

Any other response ................. -20



COMMUNICATION: (When she wants to talk about a problem:)

You listen, displaying a concerned expression .................. 0

You listen, for over 30 minutes ...... +5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience .............. +50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying
well, what do you think I should do
........... -100

You have fallen asleep ........ -200


IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH:

You talk
............... -100

You don't talk
.............. -150

You spend time with her .............. -200

You don't spend time with her ...... -500

You seem to be enjoying yourself ..... -1000


Game Over --YOU LOSE! !

Old Man 4 was funny as ...LOL

Some funny pictures...

Old Man 1

Old Man 2

Old Man 3

Old Man 4

Old Man 5

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.

Over the course of the evening, he started to wonder if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest’s thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is strictly professional.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, “Father, ever since the young priest came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it do you?”

The priest said, “Well, I doubt it, but I will write him a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:

“Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here.”

Several days latter the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read:

“Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.”

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she says, “Wear your sweater.”

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke.....lots of it.

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a forty-year old man says that can only be done in the movies.

If you spray furniture polish on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A four-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows, even double pane, does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball cleats, it does not leak.....it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house four inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year old.

Duplo blocks will not.

PlayDough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Superglue is forever.

McGuyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters don't like Jello.

VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Neither do embroidered bedsheets.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

Always look in the dryer before using it. A four-year old can break an arm in a rotating dryer.

The fire department in our city has a response time of at least five minutes.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up two times their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean there is nothing wrong.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard one of the
all-time best comeback lines in my life.

Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR)
interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who
was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military
installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. "

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent
killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're
not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

The biggest problem with the younger generation these days is that I don't belong to it any more.

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times....(At my age, that's true of everything you can possibly ever say.)

I used to have Saturday Night Fever...Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old...as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose...some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as you coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief.

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age. But they haven't made one called, "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up.

A woman awakes during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today".