As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth, as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible, making yum yum noises.
The bully, without asking, snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like
rabbit turds!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."

ROFL!!! ouch!!

Dear sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I ama bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using the pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Diue to my suprise at being jerked of the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vacinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was proceeding downward at en equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 fo the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in paragraph two of this correspondance. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom of the barrel fell out. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vacinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractued ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly, The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertibrea were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to moveand watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope.

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer department be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

the volunteers arrived in a diapidated old fire truck. they rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so greatful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1000.

A local news reported asked the volunteer captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That outta be obviuos," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the breaks on the truck fixed!"

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He let the beast out of the car and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, but the feline would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, cross the bridge, then right again, and make another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers, "Put the cat on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Two groups, one composed of women and the second of men, were once set up to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender - like ships which are addressed as 'she ' and 'he'- or the masculine gender. They were asked four reasons for their recommendations.

The men reported that computers be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal login.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

The women, on the other hand concluded that the computers be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

This guy is sitting outside on his lawn when he sees his blonde neighbor walk outside and check her mailbox. With a confused look on her face, she walks back inside. Five minutes later, the blonde walks outside again to check her mailbox. Seeing that there is nothing in it, she walks back inside her house. Another five minutes later, the blonde comes back outside to check her mailbox. After watching the blonde check her mailbox 3 times in a row, the guy is pretty curious. When she starts to walk back inside again, he asks, "What are you doing?"
She says, "My computer keeps telling me that I've got mail."

<> The Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program. Not Wanting to
> harm this old body, I've devised the following:
>
> Monday
> Beat around the bush
> Jump to conclusions
> Climb the walls
> Wade through the morning paper
>
> Tuesday
> Drag my heels
> Push my luck
> Make Mountains out of mole hills
> Hit the nail on the head
>
> Wednesday
> Bend over backwards
> Jump on the Band Wagon
> Run around in circles
>
> Thursday
> Advise the President on how to run the country
> Toot my own horn
> Pull out all the stops
> Add fuel to the fire
>
> Friday
> Open a can of worms
> Put my foot in my mouth
> Start the ball rolling
> Go over the edge
>
> Saturday
> Kneel in prayer
> Bow my head in thanksgiving
> Uplift my hands in praise
> Hug someone and encourage them.

>Sunday
>Too knackered to get out of my pit.
>
>
> Whew! What a workout!

"Old Man Joke"

A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.

"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

LMAO!!!! Omg stop it yer killing me!!!

Rose I would send Boudreaux to help, but he doesn't go far from home. He's afraid of Clarence going under bridges. LOL

Hey Linda I need Boudreaux to come do my accounting to balance it out like that!

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99."
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!"
He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"
The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

LOL thanks Cole, I know its long but it had me laughing! I just posted one at HOME as well, check that one out!

Oweee...my sides hurt from laughing so hard...
Am I comeing down with something? Is that Death I hear knocking at my door?
OMG Harley! Thank you! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time!

<Life in Hypochandria
Copyright 1999 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

====> Please do NOT remove the copyright from this essay! ====

I am one of those people for whom the mention of a disease is the
same as a diagnosis. This is particularly true when those public
service messages come on the radio, listing the 14 signs of
edema--invariably, I have all 14 symptoms. Like this:

Public Service Announcer: "Do you have skull apathy? Skull apathy
afflicts one out of ten men who were present during atomic bomb tests
and then later fell into the Love Canal. Listen closely to these
symptoms:

"Has there recently been an obvious change in a wart or mole, such as
pulsating colors or bird whistles?"

(Ohmygosh, yes! I have a mole I've been calling Bullwinkle, because
that is sort of who it looks like, and lately he seems to have
developed a funny bend in one of his legs.)

"Do you sometimes believe you can see Al Gore talking without moving
his lips?"

(Yes!)

"Do you think you are like everyone else?"

(Doesn't everybody?)

"Do you have trouble booting Windows 98?"

(Yes!)

"Do flames shoot out of your eyes when you are driving at night?"

(Yes! Well, sort of.)

"Are you troubled by cold sheets, swooping bats, percussion
grenades?"

(Yes Yes Yes!)

"Did you cry at the movie Titanic, even though there were other guys
in the theater?"

(Yes! Hey wait, I didn't say that.)

"If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is probably too
late to see a doctor. In fact, you probably lapsed into a coma
somewhere after the third question. Have a nice day."

Just great, now I've got skull apathy and I'm about to go coma. I
zoom home and breathlessly dial my doctor's telephone number, assuring
the receptionist that this is a life and death emergency and yes, I
have insurance.

"This is Doctor Spleensplitter."

"Doctor Spleensplitter! This is Bruce Cameron! Thank God you
answered the phone."

"Oh, I'm... I believe I picked up the wrong line."

"Dr. Spleensplitter, I've got the top ten reasons to have skull
apathy, plus I can feel a coma coming on. You have to help me!"

"Skull apathy?"

"Yes."

"What sort of symptoms are you experiencing, Mr. Cameron?"

"Well, I have this mole shaped like a moose, only lately it looks
like it has developed a limp."

"Well then. Maybe you should see a veterinarian."

"Plus, I sometimes see Al Gore using Windows 98 without moving his
lips!"

"Mr. Cameron..."

"I need some of those same pills you gave me last time."

"Mr. Cameron, those were placeboes."

"Yes, that's what I need, more placeboes! Only more powerful ones."

"More powerful placeboes."

"Yes!"

"Mr. Cameron, may I ask you a very important question?"

"Yes, I have insurance."

"No, not that. I was reviewing your file the other day..."

"You were? Why, do you suspect I've got something even more serious
than skull apathy?"

"No, actually, it's because our staff requested a whole new filing
cabinet to put it in, and I wanted to see if there was anything in
there we could throw out. Mr. Cameron, do you realize you've
complained of nearly every malady known to man?"

"I have?"

"Plus some I'd never heard of before. Wake Apnea. Sudden Shower
Syndrome. Reverse Appendicitis. And now this new one..."

"Skull apathy?"

"Precisely. Mr. Cameron, has anyone ever suggested to you that you
might be suffering a bit of hypochondria?"

"Hypochondria? Is it serious? What are the symptoms? Tell me
straight, doc, how much time have I got?"

"No, it isn't serious at all. In fact, a lot of people have it, in
some form or another."

"So I caught it from somebody else?"

"Mr. Cameron, hypochondria is merely a term for people who worry
obsessively that they may have some disease or affliction."

"Well, I am worried! I'm worried I might have hypochondria! Are
there any placeboes that can be used to cure it?"

"You're not understanding me, Mr. Cameron. It isn't a real disease."

"You mean I'm sick with something FAKE?" This opens up a whole new
realm of doom that I hadn't even contemplated before. I swallow,
feeling the first trickle of a whole host of phony symptoms. "What's
next, a CAT scan? An MRI? Should I have my internal organs removed?
Doc, I'm too young to have hypochondria. I was just beginning to live
life to the fullest!" Well, maybe not to the fullest, but I had just
purchased fresh batteries for the TV remote and was looking forward to
a night of crisp channel changes. Now it seems pointless, somehow.

"Mr. Cameron, I'm afraid I'm not making myself clear, here. There's
nothing really wrong with you. You just have a morbid obsession."

He thinks he is fooling me, with his medical jargon, but I know what
morbidity is. From the Greek word "Mortimer," which means death.
Mortician. Post Mortem. Today I mort, yesterday I morted, tomorrow I
will have mortalized. Tomorrow.

"24 hours." I whisper.

"Mr. Cameron?"

"I appreciate you calling me, Doc."

"Well, I didn't call you."

"Whatever. I just... having one more day to at least put my life in
order, maybe catch one last episode of Baywatch..."

"Mr. Cameron."

"Yes?"

He sighs heavily. "I'll call in a prescription for some placeboes
right away. Treated aggressively, you should be well on your way to
recovery by the end of the week."

One day a farmer in Louisiana was counting his money. He had done pretty well with the cotton crop that fall, so he decided to go to Texas and celebrate.
He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked, "Where's a good place to eat?" A man said, "Right down the road is a men's club." The farmer didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a work-out room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress, "Lady, bring me a steak and a coke." The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The farmer said, "I just wanted a coke, not the whole factory!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas."
Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge Sizzling platter. He said, "Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas."
He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, "Which way to the restroom?" She said, "It's down the hall, third door on the right." The farmer absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool. "Help! Help!"
he screamed. "Don't flush it!

WHAT SHOULD I DO IF THE INTERNET GOES DOWN


Every year we grow more and more dependent on the Internet. But would you know what to do if your connection suddenly went down?


No one knows when the Internet will fail. It could happen at any time, leaving you bereft of your e-mail, your sports scores, and your Blogs. Therefore, it's important that you and your family have a contingency plan for just such an emergency. If your connection to Cyberspace were to ever get severed, you should at least be prepared. We have included a few key points that should assist you if that were to happen.

1. Panic!
An excited, agitated state will give you that heightened sense of awareness and will increase your thought processes allowing you to come up with rational solutions. Panic is just nature's way of putting your body into over-drive. It's a defense mechanism that gives you an edge when dealing with potentially harmful situations, such as a severed arm or the loss of your Internet.

2. Find A Telephone
Do you have access to a telephone line? Early computers connected to the Internet using a dial-up device along with a hardware device known as a "modem." Since this technology is obsolete, it will be of no use to you. Instead, use your telephone to call your friends to see if their connection is also down, as you will have lost the ability to send an email or an instant message. You can also use a telephone to call 911, an emergency service that will first tell you to calm down, and then will send out specially-trained technicians to find the source of the Internet's failure.

3. Use Your Back-Up Computer
It's always good to have an emergency laptop handy, in case you need to harry over to a buddy's place where the Net is still up. If there is still no Internet at that location, at the very least you could connect to a small network or LAN (Less-than Adequate Network). Laptops can also be placed on tables at coffeeshops, while you sit around with a latte, nervously waiting for your connection to be restored.

4. Install A Game
In emergency situations, installing a single-player computer game can occupy your down-time. While it won't replace the adrenaline rush of intense networked multiplayer action provided by the Internet, a quick game of Sim City or Flight Simulator may distract you long enough for your connection to return.

5. Perform Routine Maintenance
While programs such as Norton Antivirus have removed most of the tedium of computer system maintenance, nothing could help pass the time faster than cleaning out your hard drive, emptying your cache, or organizing your celebrity fake porn collection. Take the time to stare at your screen while you perform a defragmentation. The time will literally fly while you barely notice your separation from the Internet.

6. Turn On A Television Or Radio
Televisions, strange boxes that sit in your parents' living rooms, were once used to provide entertainment, long before DVDs and Playstations were invented. Televisions have the capability of broadcasting streaming information similar to the content on multimedia websites. With a "remote control," a wireless device that is like a small one-handed keyboard, you may be able to surf a limited number of "channels," while you deal with the loss of your connection. Unfortunately, television is only a one-way media.

In ancient times, radios were also used to entertain. A radio allowed you to listen to news, sports, and music, much the same way that you listen to live streaming audio on a Shoutcast server. Like the television, a radio will only have a limited selection of listening stations, and no video. Hopefully your separation from the Internet will be brief.

7. Read
People in pre-Internet times used to read "books" and "magazines", written materials once created in printable format to pass the time. Some e-books are still available on paper, and may offer a short-term solution until your power is back and your broadband is restored. If reading is not an option, as a last resort, you may wish to try doing "chores," or try your hand at cooking. While these activities cannot replace the Internet, they may be able to make the down-time a little more tolerable.

8. Go Outside
The idea of leaving your workstation may seem a little extreme, but you can perform errands that you normally get parents or spouses to do: grocery shopping, drycleaning, etc. Leaving your dorm room, basement, or above-garage apartment suite, may be risky, but again, the time may afford an effective distraction from your Internet woes. NOTE: Be careful to avoid the sun, because your pasty white skin will not be used to the exposure.

9. Spend Time With Your Spouse
Communicating with your wife or girlfriend may seem like a radical suggestion, but the time investment may offer long-term rewards. Spending any amount of time talking about your "relationship" may free up more Internet time for you later on, when your ADSL or Cable link to the World Wide Web has been restored. WARNING: These will probably be the longest hours of your life.

10. Use Your Emergency AOL Disk
If you find that your connection to the Internet is going to be longer than you can possibly stand, as a last resort, pull out an emergency AOL CD, the one with 910 free hours of connection to the AOL service. Take the CD in one hand...and slash it across your wrist! Suicide will probably be a better alternative than connecting to that service.

Hopefully some of these Internet alternatives will be able to assist you during an offline crisis. Emergency radio broadcasts will likely advise you of the state of the Internet and be able to predict when your bandwidth will be restored, but remember to have an emergency plan in case your digital detachment is longer than you expect.

Jason Most hilarious stuff!! thanks for posting! (might not agree with all the courses for chickitas but very funny never the less!)

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY!

Evening classes for men. Starting this month!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents,
each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide
presentation.

Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table
discussion.

Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures
and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and
fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline and support groups.

Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right
place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open
forum.

Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your
health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel
parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises,
meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays,
anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be
late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.


CLASSES FOR WOMEN..


Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses
are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

WHAT IS A GRANDMOTHER?
What is a grandmother?
( taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.

They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. 

It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."!

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandmothers don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the sam e story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

<Hello, is this the FBI?"
   >"Yes. What do you want?"
   >"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding
   >marijuana inside his firewood."
   >"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
   >
   >The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.  They search the
   >shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of
   >wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
   >
   >The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
   >"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
   >"Yeah!"
   >"Did they chop your firewood?"
   >"Yep."
   >"Merry Christmas Buddy!"

L M A O....fart...BOOM...holding sides ...But Linda...you wern't supposed to tell any more tales of my family...BOOM..L O L!

 
Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Logan out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
 
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite .... shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM!  Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"
As she pulls up her panties she says..."Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen

1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.

3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

13. Sing without having the radio on.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Have at least 5 cats in your car.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed, having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep s***."

Ha ha ha ha Summertop.. that had me in stitches! lmao!!!

Who is afraid of Mad Cow Desease? Well, here is how you can tell if you cow has it..http://www.jasbits.com/rik/humor/madcow.html

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able to take time off.
But there had to be a way........ One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" hissed the blonde at the next workstation.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb," answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir" the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The blonde was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," she said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

Two guys are moving about in a Wal-Mart when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm b^^bs, and a tight @ss. What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours."

lmao, i'll never go to the doc again.

Think about this:
A. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
B. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year is 120,000.
C. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
(US Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Then think about this:
A. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
B. The number of accidental gun deaths per year is 1,500.
C. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner 0.0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a public health measure, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.

The story of a young girl from a small town,who went to Hollywood to be an actress. After finding no success elsewhere in show business,she fell in with a bad crowd and was persuaded to perform is some adult movies.Her short career ended in a fit of rage when she discovered that there was no film in the camera...

Michael Jackson needs your help!

Escape from Neverland on-line game.

You are Michael Jackson - you need to capture the kids before they escape and tell authorities.

Its a on-line game - requires Flash. Check it out - kind of cheesy, but interesting.

BBW (BIG BAD WOLF)

Rudy had a pet elephant. He had raised it from a calf and was very attached to it. Now that it was grown the feeding costs were threatening to send him to the poor house. A second job was not enough to cover the costs of a pet elephant. He was afraid he was going to have to give up his beloved pet, then a money making scheme came to him.
He had seen elephants raise one leg in the air. He had seen elephants raise two feet. At the circus he had even seen one stand on one leg and raise three feet in the air…but he had never seen an elephant with all four feet in the air at the same time.
So Rudy would offer $10,000 to anybody that could get his elephant to raise all four feet in the air…but it would cost $100 to try.
He put up posters locally; he advertised in the newspapers, he went on-line and advertised there.
The word was spread. People started showing up from far and wide. They tried everything. They tried levitation. They tried meditation. They tried begging. They tried bribing. People came…people failed.
Things were going well for Rudy. His elephant was eating well.
Then one day a little blue car pulled up. Out stepped a little old man. He asked Rudy, “you will give me $10,000 if I can get your elephant to raise all four feet at the same time?” Rudy answered,” Yes, it will cost you $100 to try.”
The man gave Rudy a new $100 bill. He walked to his car and took out the tire iron. He walked to the elephant and stared into its eyes for several minutes without saying a word. He started to walk around the elephant. When he was directly behind it he hauled off and whacked its balls hard as he could with the iron.
The elephant let out a scream and leapt into the air, all four of his feet in the air. The little man collected his money and drove off in his little blue car.
Now Rudy had little of his scheme money left and his elephant was still eating. He was to the point of having to give up his pet again. Then it came to him. He had seen elephants move their heads up and down, but he had never seen one move its head from side to side. So again he advertised. $10,000 if you could get his elephant to move his head from side to side. It would cost $100 to try.
Again people started coming. Again all failed.
Rudy was doing well and his elephant not wanting for food.
Then one day up drove the little blue car. Out stepped the little old man. He walked up to Rudy and handed him a new $100 bill. He opened his trunk and took out the tire iron. He walked up to the elephant and starred into its eyes for a minute or two. The he spoke, “do you remember me?” The elephant nodded his head up and down. “Do you want me to do it again?”
Quickly, the elephant shook his head, side to side.

Ouch, that's scary LOL

L O L @ taurec!

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.
He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the
whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples
it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again,
"Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so
I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes
a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and
locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes,
"Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

There was this blonde who was driving late at night when a police man noticed that she was going from one side of the road to the other and would not stop! So then he finally pulled her over and asked her why was she going from one side of the road to the other, she said "Im trying not to hit the trees." The police man said, "im sorry lady but there are no trees for miles down the road." he said, "Its your air freshner!"

LOL

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet News
has obtained an EXCLUSIVE interview with the one person most
to blame for the situation.

Internet News:
We have as our guest today the man whose birthday is the cause of the
Y2K predicament, Jesus Christ. What do you have to say for yourself, Jesus?

Jesus Christ:
First, let me say that I was terribly flattered to have my
birthday turned into the starting date for your calendar.

IN:
But isn't it true that your birthday was already being celebrated
on December 25th? How is it that our calendar dates from your
birthday but January 1st was chosen?

JC:
Oh, just a fluke, really. Neither date is correct. It always
struck me as funny that, December 25th or January 1st, you choose to
celebrate it in the middle of winter. I mean, the shepherds weren't
exactly "keeping watch over their flocks by night" in the
open fields during winter, were they?

IN:
No, I guess they weren't. So, when exactly were you born?

JC: December 28th.

IN: But...

JC:
Just kidding. If I told you when I was really born, you would
just make another holiday out of it and I think that two
birthdays a year are more than enough.

IN:
But it will be 2,000 years from the year you were born, right?

JC:
That's another thing. There is no year "0" partly because the
ancients had no concept of it mathematic-ally but mostly because
of all the arguments about whether it would be 0 AD or 0 BC.
It became sort of a Y-zero-K situation, so they decided to
skip it altogether. One year after 1 BC became 1 AD.

IN: So, year 2000 will actually be your 1,999th birthday.

JC:
Well, not exactly. The monk who came up with your calendar used
a calculation process called Pentiumnus Calculus to get the
starting date. It was close but 5 years off so my human nature
is going to be 2,005 years old in the year 2000.

IN:
So I guess the whole Y2K problem isn't your fault after all since
you were actually born in 5 BC?

JC: 6 BC. Remember to skip year "0".

IN:
Ah, yes, sorry. Happy belated birthday, by the way.
So, what's in store for the world when the big Y2K hits?

JC:
I'm sorry, but I'm not supposed to talk about that. My Father
made me promise not to divulge any future events.

IN:
Do you think the monk foresaw that we would invent computers
just in time for the year 2000 to be a problem?

JC:
Perhaps you should interview him. Go easy on him, though. If he had
done his calculations right, you'd all be...oops. Almost let that slip.

IN: So, umm, I understand you have a book to plug.

JC:
Actually, the Bible has been out for quite a while. I won't ask
people to go out and buy a copy since pretty much everyone has one.

IN: And this is Internet News, signing off.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".

~Eleanor Roosevelt

LOL Oldie but goodie.Great joke

hahaha :)

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus'' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come
from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous
prayer meeting,
so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost
in thought about the Lord, and how good He is... and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone
else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was
sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
''For the love of GOD! GO, GO!! Jesus Christ, GO!!''
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone
started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked
my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been
a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something
about a ''sunny beach''... I saw another guy waving in
a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage son what that meant, he said that it
was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've
never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing... why even
HE was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the
people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got
out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they
wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when
I noticed the light had changed, so I waved one more time
to my loving brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on
through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got
through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt
kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love we
had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window
and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as
I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood, and Bill Clinton
all had a spelling contest, which one would win ?

Dan Quayle.
He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.

Bill Clinton is walking past the security gate at the White house and sees sees a scandalus yet true put down written in the snow banks in yellow....he storms into the gate house and demands that they find the culprit as soon as possible....a couple of days later the security chief says to him that he has bad news and worse news.....the bad news is that DNA tests reveal that the urine was from Al Gore...the worse news is that the hand writing was Hillary's

Words fail me

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the
Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled
dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly
mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other
side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran
to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him
what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this
road, armed to the teeth when I came across this
heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him
right in the eye and shouted,
'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Merry Christmas :)