'

'
is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of
hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

"What the hell do you think you're doing ?"

"I'm a chiropractor,
and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer,
but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you ?"

slightly different but a nicely arranged site about ya'll find here ;)

~*~

'
( Horoscopes for Southerners )


It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present
astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should
get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once
in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me
there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things
are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions
or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins ?
The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here
is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

Okra
Dec 22 - Jan 20

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on
the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra
can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence
everywhere. Stay away from MoonPies.

Chitlin
Jan 21 - Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times
they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from.
A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated
and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins,
be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius,
and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best
with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Boll Weevil
Feb 20 - Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with
the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into
the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very
intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in
their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

Moon Pie
Mar 21 - Apr 20

You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.
It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.
"Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry
anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going
to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

Possum
Apr 21 - May 21

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked
tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it"
attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think
you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy,
but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and
you may find your problems actually running you over.

Crawfish
May 22 - Jun 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're
always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer
the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course,
the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly
attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.


Collards
Jun 22- Jul 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the
"melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences
of those around them. Collards make good social workers,
psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal
life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies.
It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.


Catfish
Jul 24 - Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with
one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
You catfish are never easy people to understand.
You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of
life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Grits
Aug 24 - Sep 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like
to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to
travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club.
Where do you like to go ? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or
bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go omewhere where they
have all these things, that serves you well.

Boiled Peanuts
Sep 24 - Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and
loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty,
and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because
you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right
ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way,
yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that
people will always pull over and stop for you.

Butter Beans
Oct 24 - Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along
well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter
what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too,
shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Armadillo
Nov 23 - Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you
are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you ? Old friends,
a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback.
You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not
concerned with anything about today. You're really almost
prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum
is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

#

You Might Be Canadian If ...

* You can repeat the entire Molson's Canadian 'The Rant'.
* You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
* You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."
* You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.
* You know that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) don't always look like that.
* You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme.
* You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea.
* You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".
* You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.
* You think it's normal to have a grain elevator in your backyard.
* You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.
* You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "what's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me!"
* You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean.
* You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
* You participate in Participaction!
* You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.
* You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.
* You think Peter Kent is sexy.
* You think Matt Damon is so-so.
* You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.
* You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.
* You think Great Big Sea isn't Maritime-centric enough.
* Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on (and you always have room for more).
* You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.
* You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if they edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris government.
* You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
* You still haven't taken down your "NON" posters from the 95 Referendum.
* You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.
* You think Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough.
* You remember "Jodie" from Today's Special and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.
* You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do".
* You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny.
* You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
* You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.
* You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.
* You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin' Tom doesn't get his own category in all three. You scream passionately at the television when your favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective academies.
* You think -10 C is mild weather.
* You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.
* You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).
* You know the ingredients for poutine.
* You know what happens in the Evergreen Forest when Bert Raccoon wakes up.
* You dressed as Bruno Gerussi for Halloween. You spent hours sifting through garbage on the beach to prepare for the role.
* You substitute beer for water when cooking.
* You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization.
* You know that the 'Extra Creamy' in Kraft Extra Creamy Dinner is 'add more milk.'
* You prefer Elvis Stojko when he has 'hockey hair' - a.k.a. 'the mullet' or 'the shorty-longback'.
* You brag about the sweet herb in BC.
* You know the chorus of "The Log Driver's Waltz" and are particularly fond of the 'burling down and down' bit.
* You steal stationery from your Government of Canada co-operative education placement because you figure you can find lots of uses for paper with 'Human Resources Development Canada/Développement des Ressources Humaines Canada' written at the top.
* You have daydreams that film-maker Don McKellar, and Hugh Dillon from The Headstones, skinned and ate Regis Philbin.
* You recognize: CPP, RSP, and CCM.
* You know what "Canuba" is. You think it's pretty damn funny.
* Your gravy boat is shaped like the Bluenose.
* You refuse to consume chocolate that doesn't come in either Smarties, Coffee Crisp, or Laura Secord format.
* You die a little inside if you can't get your Tim's double-double every morning.
* You know the difference between real snow and "television" snow -- the white stuff that passes for snow on tv and in films. You scream, "For Christsake! That should be sticking to their pants!" and "Lookit, it's not melting! That's *so* not snow!" when watching 'Winter' scenes.
* Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
* You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize.
* You know Casey and Finnegan are NOT a Celtic rock band or imported beer.
* You know who Foster Hewitt is.
* You can spot MEC from a kilometre away, even if the little white tag is hidden.
* You're either out to bingo or getting stinko (and you think no more of Inco) on a Sudbury Saturday night.
* You've actually said, "Stay where yer at, 'till I gets where yer to."
* You pity people who haven't tasted a "beavertail".
* Complete the phrase: "The good old ____ game is the best ____ you can ____."
* You've got some rocks and you've got to leave an important message -- Lucky you know how to build an innukshuk!
* You have at least one ROOTS sweatshirt that always smells like cigarettes and beer.
* You find it difficult to explain "milk in a bag" to non-Canadians, and even more difficult to describe the "snippy-thing" used on bag corners. (Bonus points if your collected snippy-things are stuck to your fridge.)
* You're pretty sure you can see Alex Trebek smirking when Jeopardy contestants get the "Canada questions" wrong. Even if you weren't sure of the answer yourself, you consider yourself a hundred times smarter than the idiots who always guess, "What is .. uh, Toronto?"
* Your Saturday nights in the Atlantic provinces include eating beans and brown bread as you watch Hockey Night in Canada.
* You know that the Canadian Alliance is just the Reform Party with better hair.
* You know that, contrary to general belief, the Inuit have about the same amount of words for snow as do English speakers. Your favourite Inuit word for 'snow' is "navcaq" (snow formation about to collapse).
* Your local zoo is mainly flamingoes, giraffes and sad elephants freezing their asses off against a backdrop of pine trees, grey skies, and precambrian shield formations.
* You wonder why squirrels and seagulls somehow manage to get in every zoo exhibit (including the parking lot and squirrel and seagull exhibits).
* You live in a "beach town" and have to eat your brothers and sisters to stay alive during the winter months.
* You wonder why Esther Canadas has been blessed with both beauty and the coolest name on the planet -- although Canuck cutie Shalom Harlow could wipe the floor with her.
* You're such a hardcore Canadian punk you used ketchup-flavoured potato chip 'residue' to dye your hair. You know it's kind of gross, but at least you smell good.
* You don't consider a date truly romantic until you've slow danced to Blue Rodeo's "Five Days in May". You accept "Lost Together" as a second option.
* You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK"
* You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
* You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
* You drink Pop, not Soda.
* You only know three spices: Salt, pepper and ketchup
* You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
* You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays (not vacation), with good cigars and no Americans.
* You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway
* You drive on a highway, not a freeway
* You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
* You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
* You cried when you heard that "Mr Dress Up" died recently.
* You get excited whenever an American television show mentions
* You brag to Americans: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & more, are Canadians.
* You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
* You know what a toque is.
* You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
* You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed"
* You live in a house with no front step, but the door is one meter up from the ground.
* Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
* You know that the four seasons means: winter, still winter, almost winter, and road work/construction.
* You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
* You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
* You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan"
* You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."
* You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
* "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"
* You call it a BUN not a "Roll"
* Its called a WASHROOM not a lavatory or powder room or rest room.
* You've ever had your tongue frozen to something.
* You know that in Canada the mosquitoes have landing lights
* You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
* You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
* You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas.
* You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
* Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
* You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
* At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles a meat processing plant.
* The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
* Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
* You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
* You head south to go to your cottage.
* You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
* You know which leaves make for good toilet paper.
* The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo, it's sausage making.
* You find -40C a little chilly.
* The trunk of your car doubles as a freezer.
* You attend a formal in your best clothes, your finest jeweler and your Sorrels.
* You can play road hockey on skates.
* You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still winter, almost Winter and Construction.
* The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
* You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were
walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says,

"Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where ?!"

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden
feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam,
"What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was
going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

God said,
"This person will cook for you and wash your clothes,
she will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will
not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was
wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have
a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history ...
.

Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to
see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.

"Who was the first man ?" asked Peter.

"Adam."

"That's correct. Enter."

Soon another man came along.

"Where did Adam and Eve live ?"

"Eden."

That's correct. Enter."

Then Mother Theresa came along.
"Ooh, it's you ! I'll have to give you a hard one.
What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time ?"

"Mmm, that is a hard one."

"Enter."

'

oh whooo hooo booo !

and why have women's butts higher an amount of mass than their skulls ?
prevents them from falling over into the keyboard while typing messages ... :D ~*~

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C’mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you’ll have no clothes to wear,
if we don’t do laundry right now!


What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer.
He happened to look down the bar and see
a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball.

So he walked down and said to the man,
"Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but
I noticed you have a small head. Is this a birth defect ?"

The man said
"No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the German's
in WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship so I swam to shore.
One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me
three wishes. For my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S.

The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have
all the money I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish
was to have sex with the mermaid.

She said, 'I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have sex.'"

So I asked, "How about a little head ?"