BrainKing - Klobe na mloveni (Jokes)

O čem je toďten plk: whew

finally a joke or two. I was dozing.......

14. lestopado 2006, 14:14:54

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Taxicab Confessions...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

14. lestopado 2006, 07:25:55

Haridaspal

O čem je toďten plk: Excerpts from an Interview

X = Interviewer; Y = Interviewee (is there such a word?)

X: When is your birthday?
Y: 6th July.
X: Which year?
Y: What do you mean, which year? Every year, of course!

X: Where were you born?
Y: India.
X: Which part?
Y: Which part? Whole body was born together!

X: What is the best car in India?
Y: Can you give me a hint?
X: Yes, it starts with 'T'.
Y: Fantastic! Starts with tea! All cars I know start with petrol.

13. lestopado 2006, 22:23:11

tazman7474

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: Jokes

JackS: Personaly, I was hoping it would just fade away on it's own!

13. lestopado 2006, 22:07:17

JackS

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O čem je toďten plk: Jokes

Seems this is turning into a chat room. Can't the mods bleep the jabber?

13. lestopado 2006, 21:46:08

rod03801

O čem je toďten plk: Grammar & complete sentences?

There is no requirement of typing in complete sentences, or using correct grammar to post on Brainking's public boards.

The solution is not to tell someone not to post, but to simply block that person's posts from yourself.

I can't think of any appropriate jokes at this moment.. lol..

13. lestopado 2006, 04:27:34

ArnieTxx

O čem je toďten plk: Schoolboy

Schoolboy's reason for truancy: bored of education.

13. lestopado 2006, 04:24:08

Thad

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: your offer & heads up

My two cents:

I, too, would like to see mook53lhd either write in complete sentences or stop posting.

I agree that somehow we simple users should have been able to tell that Rose's post was from a glob and not just from some random angry poster. I would suggest to Fencer that perhaps the backgrounds of their posts be changed to a different color, or perhaps the color of their text, something, anything, but everytime I suggest something to him, he brushes me off.

Short of that, Rose, perhaps you could add a sentence announcing that you are a glob just so we know in any future posts that are like your recent ones. Just a suggestion, of course.

NOW SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME A JOKE!! ;-)

12. lestopado 2006, 21:32:34

pgt

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: your offer & heads up

mook53lhd: I know this is not funny, but really, if you feel it important to contribute to discussion boards, at least try to take the time to construct real English sentences. They normally begin with an upper case letter, and if you use two spaces between sentences, then they become even more readable. Posts by people who do not take the time and trouble to make them clear and lucid are really not worth reading. Please don't actually post any jokes unless you can present them clearly.

12. lestopado 2006, 20:39:51

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: your offer & heads up

King Reza: i have to join to see & tell some adult jokes. well king as long as you don't ask for my cr card # ok .i'd like to see the difference. i wasn't objecting to a clean board & have never been an offender .it was her tone i found objectionable.like . actung yavohl frau rose. anyway thanks for the heads up . i never saw her name & there was no title on her post saying who she was . we'll talk again if you wish . mook53lhd

12. lestopado 2006, 17:59:46

Purple

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: PLEASE READ

mook53lhd: Rose is a Global Moderator and as such she has a responsibility to step in when the regular board mods are not on and remove posts which are outside the guidelines. I have agreed with her decisions.

12. lestopado 2006, 17:56:44

King Reza

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Children_Un_Friendly Jokes

Send me a request if you want to join.

12. lestopado 2006, 17:50:42

Rose

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: PLEASE READ

mook53lhd: Unfortunately due to your lack of punctuation I understand about half of your long message but I get the gist of it. There are rules here at brainking for a reason. Doesn't mean every one had to like them. If you would refer to the guide lines of the site you will see NO one died.
It is plain and simple:
There will be no swearing or sexual inuendos tolerated on this joke board.
It isn't just for children. Many adults don't think it is necessary to read that on a PUBLIC board. It cant be that hard to keep a joke clean with out using profanity or a sexual jab is it?
And sorry to say you are wrong that NO one cares. Plenty of people care what is written here, not everyone is willing to speak out publicly on the board about it.
I suggest if you really have a hard time posting FAMILY oriented joke then don't post. Most of the people I sent notes to who has posted jokes not appropriate for this board completely understood why it was edited or removed.

12. lestopado 2006, 17:43:19

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: PLEASE READ

Rose: who died & gave you the job of censor. i understand your sentiments. i agree there are jokes inappropiate for children. but then again puratinism is more uncomely & your don'ts really DON'T GET IT in this country. i suggest if you're so concerned you make this site unaccessable to your kids ,unless you are there to scan the board 1st & delete what you will. i don't see any children er well .what i mean to say is i don't see any jokes here told by children .do what you feel you must to protect your offsprings if you feel this harmless innocuous board is a threat to their upbringing. but how dare you dictate to anyone else. i really haven't seen any vile,disgusting ,or totally inappropiate jokes since i've been reading them. no forbidden fruit here rose.i'm not writing this to insult you or demean your parental perogatives . but since noone else seems to care or have the elan to reply i have.i obey the admin rules. but an admin would never phrase a msg as you have .+ who is this we that you refer to. you yourself & you.you say there are joke boards for fellas where adult humor is tolerated . how ,or where are they & how are they reached. i read much more than i write & would like to see a joke told as it should be told. the delivery is every bit as important as the punchline .watered down jokes are usually ineffective & don't convey the story properly. i respect your looking out for your children. just didn't care for your attempted strongarm tactics mook53lhd

12. lestopado 2006, 03:31:04

Chimera

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O čem je toďten plk: Re:

xmas is soon:

12. lestopado 2006, 03:27:49

Adaptable Ali

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A jockey and his horse are in the starting blocks at Flemmington pumped up on nervous energy, ready to run the big one, then, the starter sounds and they're off!

As the jockey takes a small lead he's hit in the shoulder with some fruit mince pies, then some chocolates, next came some crackers and then some antipasto mix, finally, just as he was nearing the finish line, a bottle of bubbly hits him in the head and he's pipped at the post.

After he comes to and realises what has happened he storms off to speak with the steward...

"Sir" he says, "Sir. I must protest! I have been severely HAMPERED!"

8. lestopado 2006, 14:39:32

Rose

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O čem je toďten plk: PLEASE READ

ALL jokes must be PG. That means OK for young kids to read. We don't care if you swear in front of your kids and you think it is acceptable. It isn't here.
Do not use any profanity what so ever in your jokes. DONT hide bad words with a letter or two then ****. If you cant delete the swear for an acceptable clean word then please DONT bother to post here as it will be deleted.
No one is saying DONT post jokes. We just want every one to get that we are looking for clean family jokes with NO profanity or sexual references at all. Not that hard to follow really.
There are private fellowships for jokes that you must tell that are not acceptable here.

Thank you!

8. lestopado 2006, 11:54:30

Adaptable Ali

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: negative people

skipinnz:

8. lestopado 2006, 03:44:55

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O čem je toďten plk: negative people

Přetvořeny oževatelem skipinnz (8. lestopado 2006, 14:35:11)

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a
trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser, who responded, " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's
crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome So, how are you getting
there?"

We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place e over on Rome 's Tiber
River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks
it's going be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the
worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're
overpriced.

So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the
Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "You and a million other
people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The
hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful!" exclaimed the woman, "Not only were we on
time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was
overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine
were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited
on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They,
too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but
I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes
to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the bad haircut?

7. lestopado 2006, 21:41:42

Kiwiyeti

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: MASTERCARD

Haridaspal:

7. lestopado 2006, 14:34:41

King Reza

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: MASTERCARD

Haridaspal:

7. lestopado 2006, 14:30:28

Haridaspal

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O čem je toďten plk: MASTERCARD

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

For everything else, there's MASTERCARD!

7. lestopado 2006, 02:15:22

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: Bottle of wine

Thad: eh a real laUgher mATE. MOOK

6. lestopado 2006, 22:14:35

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: Bottle of wine

Thad:lol

6. lestopado 2006, 21:42:15

Thad

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: Bottle of wine

skipinnz: For some reason, that one remind me of this one:

Indian Chief and the Aussie

An Australian travel writer at the beginning of a 6-month tour of Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton. When he paid his bill, he asked the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."

"Oh, that's Big Chief Forget-me Not," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as Big Chief Forget-me Not because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."

The travel writer took this in. When he waited for his cab, he decided to put the chief's memory to the test.

"'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"

"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.

He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than "'ello mate.") On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see Big Chief Forget-me Not, still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.

"How?", said the Aussie to the Chief, who again did not stop to look up.

"Scrambled," said the Chief.

6. lestopado 2006, 21:22:28

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O čem je toďten plk: Bottle of wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

"Good trade....."

6. lestopado 2006, 20:38:39

Fiona

O čem je toďten plk: blonde on a plane

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff --grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know poop?

6. lestopado 2006, 08:55:05

BadBoy7

O čem je toďten plk: joke

If A Blonde & A Brunnette jumped off the empire state building at the same time...WHO Would Hit The Ground First??????

<answer> The Brunnette.... why???...because The Blond Would Have to Stop off And ASK DIRECTIONS...hehehehehehhe

4. lestopado 2006, 17:55:18

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O čem je toďten plk: Re:

Sarah1980: is that a sequel to the mice ran up the clock joke. anyway the pic is very good [.a very dry &wry wit] (say that 5* fast mook53lhd

3. lestopado 2006, 09:52:37

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: Birthday cake.

Sarah1980:

Thank you.

3. lestopado 2006, 00:19:53

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: Birthday cake.

crosseyed: sure you can

2. lestopado 2006, 22:23:58

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: Birthday cake.

Sarah1980: OMG I hope Mouse does not see that lol. On the other hand can borrow the link? LMAO.

2. lestopado 2006, 22:21:17

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: Funny yet silly.

Sarah1980:

2. lestopado 2006, 15:24:44

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A Cat's perfect birthday

2. lestopado 2006, 15:21:54

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Sit Ubu, Sit! Good Dog...

One day in a busy butcher's store, a dog walks in. The butcher not having time to deal with the health hazard himself shouts at the dog to, "SCRAM!" The dog promptly lowers his head and leaves the shop.

Later in the day the dog re-enters the shop and drops a piece of paper on the floor. The butcher sees this and picks up the note and reads it. "Can I please have 1lb of bacon and 12 sausages", the dog promptly drops a $20 bill on the floor. The butcher quite amazed at this performance prepares the order, takes the money and gives the dog his change back. He places the bag with the sale inside into the dogs mouth and watches him trot out of the shop. Seeing that it was now about 4:30pm, the butcher decides to close the shop and follow the dog.

He follows the dog 30 yards down the road where the dog gets up on his hind paws and activates the pedestrian crossing lights with his nose. "Wow" thinks the butcher who then follows the dog to the bus-stop, where the dogs waits patiently for the bus.

After several buses have passed the dog jumps up and hails down the next double-decker, he boards the bus and requests his destination and takes his seat at the front of the bus. The butcher can't quite believe what he is seeing. The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs on the other side. The dog rings the bell and alights his transport home. The butcher then follows him for another 100 yards or so. The dog approaches a house and lays down his bag of meat on the front porch. He then backs up the front path and runs and throws himself at the front door.

'WHACK!'. The dog collides with the front door.

No answer, so he repeats this again, all whilst the butcher is watching from the other side of the road.

WHACK!! again no answer.

This time the dog jumps up onto the wall and walks round the side of the house where he taps on one of the windows with the side of his head and walks back round to the door. This time the door opens. The owner of the dog then enters into rage screaming and shouting at the dog. The butcher, feeling that this very special dog was being abused, decided to get involved and approached the owner:

"How can you have a go at your dog after what he has done? He is an absolute genius!," to which the owner replied:

Genius you say? Well it's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!

1. lestopado 2006, 12:03:53

Haridaspal

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O čem je toďten plk: Re:

skipinnz: Fantastic!

1. lestopado 2006, 04:12:46

Mousetrap

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: Minor injuries

Sarah1980: Crumbs glad it was,nt me lol!

1. lestopado 2006, 00:13:12

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: Tee hee.

Sarah1980:

1. lestopado 2006, 00:12:41

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: Hee hee.

skipinnz:

1. lestopado 2006, 00:07:52

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Hickory hickory dock.
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the rest got away with minor injuries

31. řína 2006, 23:49:38

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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a
small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

G'day,mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

31. řína 2006, 23:41:31

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: Another funny one.

crosseyed: yeah me 2 lol

31. řína 2006, 22:28:38

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O čem je toďten plk: Re: Another funny one.

Sarah1980: OMG lol I hope Mousetrap reads this joke lol.

31. řína 2006, 16:00:36

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O čem je toďten plk: Re:

mook53lhd:

31. řína 2006, 15:02:48

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O čem je toďten plk: Re:

Sarah1980: very good a bit sardonic ha ha ha. but good clean. mook53lhd

31. řína 2006, 02:50:26

Papa Zoom

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O čem je toďten plk: Re:

Sarah1980:

31. řína 2006, 02:39:03

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Přetvořeny oževatelem Sarah (31. řína 2006, 02:42:45)

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven, where he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

31. řína 2006, 01:33:46

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Sarah1980: another power ranger fan. awright. ha ha ha. power rangers with a walker. aside from the kids i wonder if anyone knows what that means. i dig those mystic rangers. mook

31. řína 2006, 01:30:23

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Sarah1980: thats a g. not bad either mook53lhd

31. řína 2006, 01:24:42