All truth goes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Then, it is violently opposed. Finally, it is accepted as self-evident.

I bought a dog the other day and named him Stay. It was fun to call him. Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay...Finally he went insane.

Give a jackass an education, you end up with a smart*ss

Give a man a fish and you can feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish then you can sell him tackle.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

I read a report that said the typical symptoms of stress were eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

A new study has found that licking a frog cures depression. But there is a down side, when you stop licking a frog it gets depressed again.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving..

People always ask me if i'm married. I say well once. But it fell all apart thanks to my wife joining a new organization.

It was called W.A.S.H.

It stands for "W"omen "A"gainst "S"tupid "H"usbands....Now i'm single... :-/

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

It would be nice if this board was used for more jokes instead of a lot of general chat..

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and then cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Red Rose bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

This may do the same for you. :-D

http://d21c.com/silent/turd.mp3

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term. The last
question, worth 70 points or none at all was: Name seven advantages of
mother's milk. The student in question had also partied the night before and
was hard put to think of 7 advantages. He wrote:
1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature.
5. It is inexpensive.
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating
the end of the test was at hand rang, he wrote:
7. It comes in such cute containers.
He was the only student to ace (100%)the exam.