Walter Montego: But you couldn't have told us about it without #10

whatdidyousay: Hey I resemble those remarks! LOL.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

ClayNashvilleTn: Hold on while I pick myself up off the floor. I think I might have to try that last one if I ever get pulled over!!!! :D

nobleheart: ummmm ahhhhh that's naughty!!! hehehehehe

ScarletRose: Never seen that one before. That was a great way to start my morning :) Thanks :)

PS. I was laughing out loud by the end of it!!!!

11 was 1 racehorse
22 was 1 2
11 1 1 race 1 day
22 1 1 2.

A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine. Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

"Whatdidja do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

"You think so much of your game that you don't even remember when we got married," complained the wife.

"Of course I do honey," the husband said. "It was the day after I sank that 40-foot putt."

I was having dinner at a nice restaurant the other night. The couple at the next table were smooching from the moment they sat down. Oh how romantic, young love!

The waiter took their order and shortly afterwards, dishes began to arrive at their table. The young man took a bite of his food and suddenly jumped up and gave his lady a such a big hug that she emitted a loud squeal of delight. Heads turned all around! But they seemed not to notice and the man sat down as if nothing unusual had happened.

This strange behavior continued for several minutes. The man would take a bite of food, jump up quickly and hug the girl, she would squeal, everyone would look at them oddly, and he would sit down. This bizarre routine was repeated about ten times!

When my waiter came by to refresh my coffee, I mentioned the 'entertainment' and he said "Oh, that's not unusual at all. You see, that man ordered the Seize Her Salad.

When the cats away...................there are less hairs on the armchair!!!!

Tuesday: I just had visions of my Miss 15 rolling her eyes going "Muuuuuuuuuum!!!!!!" Hehehehehehe.

Tuesday: Hahahahaha, and I can just see the teenagers faces too. ROFLMAO.

A Magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

one problem: The Captain's parrot saw the show each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of every show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was absolutely furious but couldn't do anything about it. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one day the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with, as fate would have it, the parrot. they stared at each other with absolute hatred but did not utter a single word.

This went on for a day, then another and then another.

Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:



"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, with the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

skipinnz: Well DESPITE the fact that I found it so amusing I will concede to your wishes on this final note :)

dancer: but dispite the media's &.....

www.dictionary.com

No entry found for dispite.

Did you mean dispute?

Now that is funny!!!!!!

I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're laks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does not phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too please.

--- Author Unknown

playBunny: and pgt: Thanks! Roflmao!

A guy wakes up in the morning with the most terrible hangover ever. When he finally manages to open both his eyes, the first he sees is a tube of aspirin tablets and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sits on the edge of the bed and there are his clothes, neatly folded and set. He then takes a look around the room and notices that everything is perfectly clean and neat.

He takes some aspirin and sees a post-it note left on the table:
"Darling, your breakfast is ready in the kitchen. I love you."

The guy is surprised and does not really know what to think. He heads for the kitchen only to find his breakfast ready and smelling good with the newspaper next to his bowl on the table. His son is at the table too, having his breakfast.

The man says: "Son, what exactly happened yesterday?"

The son: "Oh well, you came back home totally wasted at about 3:00am. You accidentally hit and broke some furniture, threw up in the corridor, punched mum in the face thinking that you were being attacked by wolves..."

The dad: "Then how do you explain that everything is cleaned up and neat and breakfast and all the rest is taken care of?"

The son: "Well, when mum dragged you to the bedroom to put you in bed and tried to take off your pants, you told her : get off me and leave me alone! I am married."

A man is marooned on an island for ten years and has given up all hope of ever being saved, when suddenly, one day, a woman washes ashore. Her clothes are all tattered, and she is clutching a little waterproof bag. It seems that her ship also hit the coral reef off the island and has sunk. She, too, is the only survivor.

The man, overjoyed at seeing another person, blurts out his whole story, about how he managed to live on the island alone, how he learned to live off the island, surviving by his wits. When he was finished his story, the woman says to him, "You mean you've been on this island for ten years?"

"That's right," says the man.

"Tell me," she asks. "Did you smoke cigarettes before you were marooned?"

"Why, yes, I did," he says. "Why do you ask?"

The woman says to him, "Well, since you haven't had a cigarette in ten years, here!" And with that, she pulls a cigarette out of her little bag and gives it to him.

"Oh, wow!" he says. "Thanks a lot!"

As she lights it for him, she says, "Say, were you a drinking man before you got shipwrecked?"

"Well," says the man, puffing on the cigarette, "I would have an occasional whiskey now and then."

The woman reaches into her little bag and says, "You haven't had a drink in ten years? Here!" From her bag she produces a small flask and hands it to him.

He takes a pull from the flask and is thanking her when she suddenly says, "Gee, I just realized. You've been on this island alone for ten years. I guess you haven't, uh, played around in ten years either, have you?"

"Good God!" says the man. "Do you have a set of golf clubs in that bag?"

First year med students were receiving their
first anatomy class with a real dead human body.


They all gathered around the surgery table with the body

covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In

medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a

doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything

involving the human body."

As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck

his finger in the bottom of the corpse, withdrew it, and

stuck his finger in his mouth.

Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.


The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes,
but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of

the dead body and sucking on it.


When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and

told them: "The second most important quality is

observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my

index finger. Now, learn to pay attention."

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.



The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.



I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.



For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.



The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!



To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:



Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and like to Complain About Our Pets



1. They live here. You don't.



2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture.)



3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.



4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids ....they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with d***-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for uni - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

It was fun being a baby boomer...'till now. Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:

1. Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
4. Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
8. Commodores -- once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
10. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair
11. Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
12. The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
13. Abba -- Denture Queen
14. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times on The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
15. Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore
16. Willie Nelson -- on the Commode Again
17. Leslie Gore's -- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To

is a locksmith. Give him a kick in the behind, and he makes a bolt for the door.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get m! arried and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers
Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on
the farm - tell them to get in quick smart
before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because
ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like
sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is
make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to
stack - nothin'!!

Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz
there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what
ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but
there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot
Mum makes.

You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time
all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a
'route march' - geez its only just like walking to
the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with
laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno
why. The bullseye is as big as a possum's bum
and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like
the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into
their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya
gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the
target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load
your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and
ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar
of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I
gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not
like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori
and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks
like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only
been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -
he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles
across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7
and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till
the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to
get in quick before word gets around how good
it is.














Your loving daughter,

Sheila

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
_________________________________________
_
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________
TEACHE
R: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
________________________________________
__
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
___
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TE
ACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________
TE
ACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TE
ACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer.

"You're getting a ticket."

Some of these are just brilliant :)

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest
Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." –Robert Redford

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang
(1844-1912)

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a
vacuum cleaner.

" Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple
of minutes of your time,

I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and
she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen
my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite.............................

















because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

I love my job!

I love my job. I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location. I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers. I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and its software" I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file; I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work. I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today, in clean white coats to take me away!!!!!

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"

A 3rd grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mum noticed this. Mum asked, "What makes you so happy today?" The girl said, "Mum, we learned how to make babies in school today!"

Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.

"It's easy, Mum -- you just drop the y, and add ies," the daughter said.

If Wile E. Coyote could afford all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads:

"Here lies Shirley, wife of Sam Johnson, LLD, Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigration Legal Services"

Suddenly, Sam bursts into tears. His brother says, "You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone!"

Through his tears, Sam sobs, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"

Two Blondes' walked into a bar.

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . .louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.

What do you get if you cross a Kangaroo with a Sheep?
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A woolly jumper!!!!!

Why do Koala's carry their babies on their backs?
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Because it is really really hard to push a pram up a tree! @