Wal-Mart announced on January 3, 2006, that it will begin offering
customers a new discount item - WALMART's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $1- $3 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive
wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville.
She said: "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were
conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine
brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

Subject: SENIOR CITIZENS

A college student at a recent Carolina football game challenged a
senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for
their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different
world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.

"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked
on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear
energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed
processing and, uh .."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said,
"You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we
invented them, son, Now what are you doing for
the next generation??"

I love senior citizens

The one thing I have learned through the aging of my OWN
children, is that they DO eventually realize that Mom and Dad (and
many others) are FAR smarter, and can add value to THEIR lives
once given enough time to mature past the age of "I know everything
and you know nothing"...we just have to give them time to
"grow up"!

'nuff said!

volant:

Thad: This is the other.

http://brainking.com/game/ShowFellowship?fid=48

Thad: Yes there are two of them. Let me hunt the other and I'll post it as well.

http://brainking.com/game/ShowFellowship?fid=331

playBunny: I was almost sure you were going to say Smile.

playBunny: Told the Teacher that me and Mom spent to much time "Grossing"

playBunny: OHHHHHHHHH have me and the wife ever been embaressed.

spicieangel:

1) Good:
An Erie, PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we
used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pittsburgh, PA A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3) Absolute Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball." He replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, turned, got back in his patrol car and left while she was so busy laughing she couldn't even start her car

Fwiffo: Don't try to read too much into his post, I think all he was trying to express was that it isn't appropiate on this board.

BananaD: Don't remember seeing it, regardless it is hilarious.

playBunny: I had never seen it b4, I am still hurting from

MessageLETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO, A MARINE CORPS RECRUIT
Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join
up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We
go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore
feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you
none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter Gail

Rose:

ScarletRose: Now we may be backwards , but we know the lamp didnt attract them, the Stork brought all of them!

TarantinoFan: "Now that was FUNNY!

INVENTORAMF:ohhhhhhhhhh, ok! I see no problem with it.

tazman7474: hmmmmmmmmm I thought the same. Maybe we missed something?

playBunny: What would we do w/o him! He keeps the board full of good family type jokes! Thanks as well Allen!

There are three kinds of people in the world.

Those that can count, and
Those that cannot.

I just had to remove a post with links that had unsuitable material.

Please check your post containingg links before you place them here.

Remember this site is Family oriented.

Thanks Clay

ScarletRose: Dang is he conceded or what??? hehehe He called himself GALLANT!

Eriisa:I like them too! Mine are worse than his! hehehehe It's my WIFE which thinks they look as tacky as ours! She bought me a weed eated for my BDay.

ArtfulDodger: Yes I did approve it and have learned now to communicate better with the other Mods.

Also I am learning that we all have built in self standards that aren't always at the same level.

The hard thing to know is, if a child reads something and goes gets his Mom and says, Mom, what does this mean????......and if the Mom would get upset trying to explain it or disguise it to her child we probably shouldn't post it.

You have been exonerated and are now back in full graces with everyone except me. I want those DANG weeds cut out of your drive first!.

ArtfulDodger: Well we already have you on screen all post.

Thad: Better late than never. hehehehe

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-) (Please remember this board can be (and is) accessed by children. All jokes should be family friendly, thank you :o))

Thanks in advance for helping to keep them child friendly!

If by chance you spot something questionable, please first PM one or all of us three.

Summertop: And women say we guys aren't thoughtful.

What is red and green and goes round and round?

A frog in a blender.

harley:

1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.

2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, Night.

3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.

4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.

5. 42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.

6. 99 Percent Of Lawyers Give The Rest A Bad Name.

7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.

8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.

9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.

10. He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest.

11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.

12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The
Cheese.
13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.

14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.

15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.

16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.

17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.

18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!

19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.

20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!

21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.

22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-kinesis? Raise My Hand.

23. Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?

24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?

25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked
Something.

26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.

27. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.

28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.

29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?

31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.

32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?

33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.

34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.

35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?

36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering 'What
Happened?'

37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off.

38. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear
Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.

Since Fencer is expanding the language base I am submitting the following for his consideration since I am from Tennessee and the only way you can now understand anything I say, I have to run it through "SPELL CHECK" first.

This here dictionary is to learn you city folk how to talk right in the South

---------------------------------------------
-------------- ---------------------

1) HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting

2) HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"

3) BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow". Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

4) JAWJUH - (noun) - the state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it to
Lanner."

5) BAMMER - (noun) - the state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvments."

6) MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar dvision. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

7) THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

8 BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a nutter bare."

9) IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native". Usage: "Them Bammer boys shore are ignert!"

10 RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "Ah thank ah left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

11) ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "Ah shore hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

12) FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thang's gonna catch far."

13) TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, ah hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

14) TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, ah shore do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

15) RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

16) FAT - (noun and verb) - A battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup yuh."

17) RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

18 CHEER - (adverb) - In this place. Usage: "Jest set that bare rat cheer."

19) FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddin't unnerstan a wurd he sed... mus be from some farn country."

20 DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

21) ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas containing oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some are!"

22) BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that there bob war fence."

23) JEW HERE - (pronoun and verb) - Contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?

24) HAZE - (pronoun and verb) - A contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart? Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."

25) SEED - (verb) - Past tense of "to see". Usage: "Ah ain't never seed Noo Yawk City."

26) VIEW - (verb and pronoun) - Contraction. Usage: "Ah ain't never seed Noo Yawk City ... view?"

27) GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

28 FIXIN' - (verb) - Preparing to. Usage: "Ah's just fixin' to do that now."

red dragon: Dang I'm doing better. Got it 2nd read.

Thanks guys for coming to the rescue. I wasn't sure myself of her intent!

How To Clean Your Toilet

Instructions on how to clean your toilet




1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add one-eighth cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet And the cat will be sparkling clean.



Sincerely,

The Dog

Summertop:Dang I hope non of the animal rights lovers see it.

Summertop:Dang that was "BAD" But funny as all get out!

Thad:DANG, I am 61 and I just made it my favorite!

pgt:

bumble:duhhhhhhhhh I still havent got it?

Subject: the mower


The power mower was broken and wouldn't run, and the wife kept hinting to
her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank
in. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband
arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass,busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time
and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments.

When he came out again, he handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish
cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.

Truth in humor

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided
to send it to the President. The President was so amused that he told his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought that
would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a
thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and they
deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Cranky Franky: Good point! We can stand the germs, the germs just cant stand us!

spicieangel: I "FINALLY" understand.

SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.

For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.

danoschek: My Dad use to tell me......."Son you gotta be tough in life if your going to be Stupid"

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a
rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we
are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very
obedient little girl (who was listening carefully
for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked
quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.

<Subject: The demise of Common Sense
>
> Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.
>
> Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he
> was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
>
> He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing
> when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that
> life isn't always fair.
> Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
> than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in
> charge).
>
> His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
> overbearing
> regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six- year-old boy charged with
> sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for
> using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly
> student, only worsened his condition.
>
> Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental
> consent to administer aspirin to a student; but could not inform the parents
> when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
>
> Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live, as the churches became
> businesses;and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
>
> Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that
> a
> steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was
> awarded a huge settlement.
>
> Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his
> wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. Two
> stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner survive him.
>
> Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

danoschek: