No jokes for about six months! What a sad world!

Ok!!

Someone stole my credit card, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did!

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought “That’s the last thing I need!”

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

And nothing funny has happened in the whole world for two months!

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

It would have been nice to have something more than a couple of riddles, but at least we are getting some action. This one will be appreciated by the native English speakers, so apologies to those to whom English is a second (or third) language:

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete"
and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in
London, England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was asked to make
that very distinction.
The question by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say
there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the
difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are
'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the
right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

ketchuplover: Thanks! About time we got some action

Why don't we have more jokes? Is it that something funny happens only once or twice a year? I have posted here three times in 18 months, and only one other joke since July 2019. I know how important it is to win games, but what what about a bit of fun along the way.
If three people will post a joke her in the next seven days, I post another three. Promise!!

There was a time when we got a new joke every day, What's happened? Doesn't anybody have anything funny to say these days?

Did you know that there are absolutely no canaries in the Canary Islands. It's exactly the same in the Virgin Islands.



There are no canaries there either

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

ketchuplover: Riddles that last longer than about 30 seconds get a bit boring!

Puns for the Educated Mind

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, But it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky-maker, But he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, Because
it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, It'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road And was cited for
littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France Would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray Is now a
seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary,
They got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, You'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.
The stewardess says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per
passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was a person who sent ten puns to friends, With the hope that
at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it, too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS (Sorry Ike I forgot I sent this to you)

Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out...

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?
1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess


Give it another try..
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.

REMEMBER I ONLY SENT THIS TO MY SMART FRIENDS

NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....
Answer is below!


Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

Did you figure it out?

Walter Montego: I'm with you. (Perhaps the whole thing is a joke, but I not laughing either)

nightback: It oesn't look very funny to me

A grasshopper comes into the bar, and the bar tender says "Hey, I've got a cocktail named after you"
The grasshopper says, amazed "What, Nigel!"




Just to explain for all the people who don't get the joke! (I have to explain it to about half the people I tell it to. Such a shame!)

A typical grasshopper cocktail consists of equal parts green Crème de menthe, white Crème de cacao and fresh cream, shaken with ice and strained into a chilled cocktail glass.[2]

Walter Montego: Yeah! But getting old and aging sure beats the alternative!

A group of 40-year-olds discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally they agree to meet at Mario’s restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally they agree to meet at Mario’s because the food there is very good and the wine selection isn’t bad.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again agrees to meet at Mario’s because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again agrees to meet at Mario’s because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again agrees to meet at Mario’s because they have never been there before!

redfrog: Or perhaps the people responding to my posts are suffering from an irony deficiency.

redfrog: I got that! Is that all? I just thought there must be something more subtle to it.

redfrog: Well at least he got the joke. I still don't get it

Thad: I can't get through - the number is always busy!

I've got a really good joke, but I'll post it next week.

mook53lhd: I know this is not funny, but really, if you feel it important to contribute to discussion boards, at least try to take the time to construct real English sentences. They normally begin with an upper case letter, and if you use two spaces between sentences, then they become even more readable. Posts by people who do not take the time and trouble to make them clear and lucid are really not worth reading. Please don't actually post any jokes unless you can present them clearly.

Tuesday: ...or perhaps she just wants to make sure her eggs get a good time.

Universal Eyes: How can you be so sure?

WatfordFC: "I had always thought it was a GOLF term."
Damn! So did I!

King Reza: Never mind! Something really funny might turn up next time.

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just
across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Floyd Krieger: I don't know whether you are a native English speaker or not (you are not flying a flag) but speling allso nedes sum intelegince.

You may be suffering from an irony deficiency. Perhaps you should abandon the jokes board and try somewhere else.

rascal95035: How abour 11 seconds?

playBunny: But theirs still know excuse's four spelling mistake's and misplaced apostrophe's.

Summertop:Not to forget that Hitler shot himself in a bunker

ClayNashvilleTn: Say it aloud, V E R Y slowly!!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice, even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.
Even though you won't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Tony

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!

PSS: Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Love Tony

The Queen (of England, Australia, New Zealand, Canada etc. (Elizabeth II)) was touring Austalia and attended a film premiere.
At the end of the movie, all of the people involved in the production of he film were lined up in he foyer of the theatre. As she walked along the line of people she stopped by one man and asked:
"And what part did you play in the produstion?"
"Well, actually, Your Majesty, I was the photographer"
The Queen (remembering the husband of her sister, Margaret (Anthony Armstrong-Jones)) replied:
"How interesting, I have a brother-in-law who's a photographer."
To which the photographer replied:
"Well what a coincidence. I have a brother-in-law who's a queen"

GeGe:Nice one Georgia - Didn't know that! (Theresa getting all sorts of different colours around here at the moment, which had me fooled)

GeGe: Ok - I'll play! Who's there?

Ogopogo: Which half?