Q: What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?

A: Roberto!

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did."

Yo Mama is so buck-toothed, she could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence

** A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
** No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
** A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
** If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
** A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
** Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
** Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
** A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
** Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
** Housework done properly can kill you.
** Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
** My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."

"She'll read it very slow."

This is what marriage is really all about

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French
fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and
carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He
then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip
and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites
of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man
came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old
couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing
everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old
lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to
let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No,
thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
As the old man finished and was wiping his face
neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old
lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you
are waiting for?'
She answered
(This is great)
**********

**********

'THE TEETH.'

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stop n Gogh

Put your ad here!

The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh

His magician uncle: Where: Diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half: brother: Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stagecoach: Wells: Far Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt: Tang Gogh!

The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking: Way: to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

Well, there you Gogh

what do you call a pig that does karate? A porkchop

Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed!

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C: is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him
to use the Net... and he won't bother you for weeks.ma

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" is feminine -- "la maison. "
"Pencil" is masculine -- "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female -- and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate
that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

How can you tell when a fairy has been using your computer?

Pixel dust