I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them.
Now I can ride a unicycle.

INVENTORAMF: groan..corny joke..out picking in the corn field again were you?

nobleheart:
Hey can I help it if you have "NO" sence of humor?
LOL

nobleheart:
Sick joke

INVENTORAMF: I like funny ..you like funny:
http://www.funsilly.com/newimages/pie1.gif

nobleheart:
Ha Ha Ha !!
Very Funny
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((((( N O T )))))

Skyking: hey i dont get that

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.

30 LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Stress is for people who believe in reality!

tazman7474: Or those taken hostage by it. LOL

hehehe

<SOUTHERN GIRLS [aged 1 year or 100, they'll always be "girls"]
>
> Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind
> of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart"
> or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on
> the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 4-lane
> highway."
>
>> I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling
>> about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her
>> toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a southern accent. My
>> friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about
>> those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this After all,
>> this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. Can you
>> believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be
>> "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."
>>
>> Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the
>> North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their
>> friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food.
>> I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good
>> bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts,eat their
>> cornbread with sugar in it!
>>
>> We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swanee," not swear,
>> but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't.
>> And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is
>> "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think
>> this
>> is right funny indeed.
>>
>> I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've
>> got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She
>> also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And,
>> bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or
>> what "I reckon" means!
>>
>> My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she can't
>> help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."
>>
>
>> Southern girls know everybody's first name:
>> 1. Honey
>> 2. Darlin'
>> 3. Shugah
>>
>> Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
>> 1. "Gone With the Wind"
>> 2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
>> 3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
>> 4. "Steel Magnolias"
>>
>> Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
>> 1. Hotlanta or Adlanna (Atlanta as outsiders say)
>> 2. Richmon
>> 3. Challston
>> 4. S'vannah
>> 5. Birminham
>> 6. Nawlins'
>> 7. Oh! and that city in Alabama ? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!
>>
>> Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
>> 1. Bad hair
>> 2. Bad manners
>> 3. Bad blind dates
>>
>> G.R.I.T.S. = Girls Raised in The South!
>>
>> Now you run along, Shugah, and send this to someone else Raised In The
>> South, i.e., Southern Belles, or ANY females aspiring to be GRITS.
>> Even the northern ones, "Bless Their Hearts".
>>
>> That Reminds me. I have a rubber stamp that says "Just because
>> your children were born in the South does not make them Southerners.
>> After all, if a cat had kittens in the oven, that wouldn't make them
>> biscuits."

ClayNashvilleTn: southern girls humour:
http://www.webwombat.com.au/entertainment/humour/Grumpy_Old_Coot/62barbie.htm

http://www.prankplace.com/turleen.htm

how many men
http://www.offthemarkcartoons.com/cartoons/2003-08-04.gif
the difference
http://riderblues.homestead.com/files/DIFF_MEN_WOMAN.jpg

While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per- fectly around his neck."

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3-year-old daughter.

The mother said, "What does the cow say?"

The child answered, "Moo!"

The mother then said, "Great! What does the cat say?"

The child replied, "Meow."

The mother exclaimed, "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little 3-year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Budweiser."

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

Life as a Camel

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"OK," said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the son replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom..."

"Yes, son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

The Wrong Thing To Say

This married couple is sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over
at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband says "I notice you've been watching that man for some time
now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband who has been drinking like that
since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could
celebrate that long.".....

......Services will be held on Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive................
                
So I took her to a gas station!!!!

INVENTORAMF: hehe

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?

"Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says,"No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your week end's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

Homer, a handsome dude who liked to gamble, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a woman at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The woman looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The woman replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the woman placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The woman was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The woman replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money.

INVENTORAMF: Blonde joke!

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

April Fool's Day is coming up. Let's hear some April Fool's tales from years past. Surely someone has seen a good April Fool's Day joke pulled off. No prize 'cept bragging rights! ;-)

Thad: On April 1st, one year, I received a $10,000 annual raise. At the time I was earning $20,000 per year. My wife didn't believe me when I told her...go figure! In Fact, she didn't believe me until I got my first check showing the raise.

What's the difference with a Irish wedding and a Irish wake?


One less drunk :)

I can tell that joke 'cause i'm half Irish :)

Ogopogo: Which half?

pgt: the ummmm... un-sober half!

pgt: Not quite sure yet............think my middle! LOL

1.You think the stock market has a fence around it.
2.You've ever used lard in bed.
3. your mother has ever yelled at you as a kid" get out of your sister"
4.The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
5.You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
6.Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
7.Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
8.The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
9.You own a homemade fur coat.
10.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
11.Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
12.The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
13.There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
14.You mow your lawn and find a car.
15.Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
16.Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
17.You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
18.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
19.You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
20.You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.
21.You got stopped by a state trooper.He asked you if you had an I.D.And you said, 'Bout What?'
22.You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
23.You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
24.you have have at least one relative on the Jerry Springer's show.
25.More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
26.Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
27.You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
28.There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
29.Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
30.Your home has more miles on it than your car.
31.There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
32.You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
33.You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
34.There is a wasp nest in your living room.
35.You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
36.You can spit without opening your mouth.
37.You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
38.You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
39.Your screen door has no screen.
40.You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
41.Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
42.You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
43.You've ever been too drunk to fish.
44.You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
45.You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
46.The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
47.You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
48.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
49.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
50.Bikers back down from your momma.
51.You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
52.You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
53.You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
54.You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
55.You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
56.You clean your nails with a stick.
57.You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
58.You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
59.You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.

tazman7474: LOL........good one!

Knock Knock

GeGe: Ok - I'll play! Who's there?

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this without a needing a magnifying glass, come back and see me."

-- Aquarium: interactive television for cats.

-- Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.

-- Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.

-- Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.

-- Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.

-- Dog: a cat's device for running practice.

-- Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.

'doctor I got something buggy in my back' - the doctor takes his gloves for a probe
but can't find anything at first - finally - after deep investigation he senses something
and - is stomped 'wow ! but that's an oreo !!' 'oh yes it is doc, and you really earned it.' ~*~

"I got good and bad news for you - which one do you want first first ?"
"The bad one." - "You'll be dead next week." "Oogh and the good one ?"
- "The disease will be named after you for certain, my friend." ~*~

"Doctor doctor help me I feel I am shrinking !!"
"Awwww - you will just have to be a little patient." ... ~*~ .

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his butt.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."

pgt: Theresa
Theresa who?
Theresa green, didn't you know that?

GeGe:Nice one Georgia - Didn't know that! (Theresa getting all sorts of different colours around here at the moment, which had me fooled)

patient: doctor,doctor ive only got 60 seconds to live!
doctor: hang on ill be with you in a miniute.

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his
"manhood" was mangled and tornfro m his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the
doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

Bebs: Good one!