skipinnz: Well DESPITE the fact that I found it so amusing I will concede to your wishes on this final note :)

dancer: but dispite the media's &.....

www.dictionary.com

No entry found for dispite.

Did you mean dispute?

Now that is funny!!!!!!

TarantinoFan: i noticed that too! i think despite is the word you're looking for! lol, and someone should say that we're just having a little fun at Dancers expense! no harm intended, at least from me! lol

... you should never put your picture on the Internet ...

http://www.redrubberball.net/why/

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, with the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

A Magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

one problem: The Captain's parrot saw the show each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of every show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was absolutely furious but couldn't do anything about it. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one day the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with, as fate would have it, the parrot. they stared at each other with absolute hatred but did not utter a single word.

This went on for a day, then another and then another.

Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:



"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.




How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

The Cat's Answer:

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

baddessi: 15. Lenny: I'll just growl at the postman until he changes the lightbulb.

harley: can he get him to weed the garden, wash the dishes and take out the trash too? : )

baddessi: oooh, now theres a thought!

Headlines from the year 2029!

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the
seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as
California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
Mexifornia's third language.

Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least
10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and
reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to
weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lb..

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast
shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. ( I
just sent it. I didn't write it!)

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,
fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with
congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Rose: haha.. OMG.. that would be horrid!

ScarletRose: scarey thoughts all round eh!

Rose:

Rose: Oh wow just think.

Rose: wonder how much it costs to move to Mars?

volant: Not much if you brought your own oxygen! LOL

volant: aren't all men from mars anyway?lol
----
"if they can put a man on the moon,why not all of them?".

A Strange Lady

Even though this lady is residing in MY house, she may at some time appear in yours. Be alert!

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house.

I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was!

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude!

I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back. The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone!

I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream.

And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate -- especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy.. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things--like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.
Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong.

She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!

I hope she never finds out where YOU live!

harley,I think your smoking to much of that monkey loco-wed...lol

nobleheart: No, but the old lady is!

harley:

Tuesday: Hahahahaha, and I can just see the teenagers faces too. ROFLMAO.

Tuesday: Thats hilarious! I can just imagine that!

Tuesday: I just had visions of my Miss 15 rolling her eyes going "Muuuuuuuuuum!!!!!!" Hehehehehehe.

My son would have shook his head and spelt out "i.d.i.o.t"!!

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by
hand.


This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you

receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via

any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life

completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2

good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as

Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).

The quickest acting WINE type is called

Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Z
ones (SHIRAZ) but this is only

available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is

Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly

until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have

already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is

DEADLY(Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Livi
ng-Youngster).

Update 05-05-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that

Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but

may require a more generous application.

skipinnz: will this help?

http://www.bofunk.com/media/images/viruseliminator.jpg

nobleheart: Any protection is better than none. LOL

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street
(pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just
an athlete....she is now a nurse currently
working at the Intensive Care
Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not
permitted to answer the
hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion
when
she would answer the phone and say . .


Picabo, ICU.

When the cats away...................there are less hairs on the armchair!!!!

I was having dinner at a nice restaurant the other night. The couple at the next table were smooching from the moment they sat down. Oh how romantic, young love!

The waiter took their order and shortly afterwards, dishes began to arrive at their table. The young man took a bite of his food and suddenly jumped up and gave his lady a such a big hug that she emitted a loud squeal of delight. Heads turned all around! But they seemed not to notice and the man sat down as if nothing unusual had happened.

This strange behavior continued for several minutes. The man would take a bite of food, jump up quickly and hug the girl, she would squeal, everyone would look at them oddly, and he would sit down. This bizarre routine was repeated about ten times!

When my waiter came by to refresh my coffee, I mentioned the 'entertainment' and he said "Oh, that's not unusual at all. You see, that man ordered the Seize Her Salad.

"You think so much of your game that you don't even remember when we got married," complained the wife.

"Of course I do honey," the husband said. "It was the day after I sank that 40-foot putt."

A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine. Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

"Whatdidja do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

volant:
U R warped

new! picabo
hey,I heard that crack wiz guy

http://www.collectr.com/ol/images/opstreetp.jpg

nobleheart:

to her,every miss was a myth ¤¤¤ groan ¤¤¤

Y Y's U r
Y Y's U B
I C U R
Y Y's for me
---
other acronyms like this I am looking for,any of u clever brats know any?

nobleheart: Here's one that I remember from when I was a kid. It's about two boys looking in a river.

AB! C D Gol'fish.
M N O Gol'fish!
O S D R!
Y S, D R!

11 was 1 racehorse
22 was 1 2
11 1 1 race 1 day
22 1 1 2.

MessageLETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO, A MARINE CORPS RECRUIT
Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join
up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We
go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore
feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you
none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter Gail

ClayNashvilleTn: I've ready that before and every time I read it again it cracks me up. Especially when it gets to the ending!

playBunny: I had never seen it b4, I am still hurting from

ClayNashvilleTn: there's also the aussie version of the same letter and if I'm not wrong it was also posted on this board...hmmm...a few weeks ago maybe, can't remember exactly.

BananaD: Yep! In the Oz Army. 2. August 2005, 11:57:28
Non-pawns can search for the word Army.