Me no American. Me no understand. A shopping trolley? ;-)

rabbitoid: LOL!

Beren the 32nd: Lol. Only if you're a bag lady. For other folks I think it's a tram.

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my
pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this
way.

My love always,
Agnes


December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very
thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes


December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are
just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes


December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough?
You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes


December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I
love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning
to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes


December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds
again, huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep
them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes


December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those silly birds? Seven swans a
swimming? What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't
sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So
stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes


December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do
with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those
birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their
cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in
my own house. Just lay off me, smarty.

Agnes


December 22, 1972

Hey Doodoohead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And boy do they play. They've never stopped
chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get
yours!

Agnes


December 23, 1972

You rotten thing:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
them ladies. They've been flirting with those pipers all
night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got
diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the
police on you!

Agnes


December 24, 1972

Listen ?#*!head:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping with those maids
and ladies? All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've
been trampled to death by the lords and ladies and pipers.
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes


December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was
total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If
you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your
arrest.

Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chol

volant: always loved those rofl

New Cell Phone Law

According to a proposed new law that would go into effect Jan 1, 2006 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a "hands ! free" adapter. I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him $0.08 each because he bought in quantity. Then we tried it with Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

A photo is attached so scroll down & take a look and let me know if you want one. Also, forward this to anyone you know, who has a cell phone, and who may want one!

sorry pic didn't go through......but it was a rubber band around the head holding the cell phone in its leather holder to the ear,.:)










I can hear you laughing. I thought you could use a laugh.

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman is early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

too cute rabbitoid

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they
had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab."Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid witch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her
fat bum downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

amandalove: LOL. Ya gota post a link to the picture.

Santa Cartoon
Santa Claus
Little Santa
Icicles
A Santa
Santa Stop
Sanbreak
Santa dump

A woman goes to the Post Office to buy Stamps for her Christmas Cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps."

The Clerk says, "What denominations?"

The woman says, "God help us, has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Baptist, 10 Lutheran and 22 Presbyterian.

playBunny: rofl

Classic Calvin & Hobbes cartoons - Snowmen collection

http://coan.net/bk-smile/6/calvin's.gif

If your browser auto-shrinks it to fit the screen, you will need to hover/click on image and tell it to expand to full 100% size to be able to read it.

BIG BAD WOLF: toooooo cute!!!!!!!!

BIG BAD WOLF: Yep, thems some good ones. :)

Walter Montego: I love Calvin and Hobbes and was sad when it stopped being in the paper...thanks for the snowman funnies they were always my favorites

Calvin Hobbs

Why, Why, Why ?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Some good ones.

http://llerrah.com/newyearwishes.htm

amandalove: LOL. And a happy New Year to you, too!

ty

1.All dates must pass your dog's inspection

2.All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from the laundromat or dry cleaners.

3.You get birthday cards for each of your dogs from family, friends, and the vet. (Bonus if you keep them on the refrigerator for more than a month.)

4.Every gift you ever get has something to do with dogs

5.Kiss your dog more than 10 times per greeting.

6.All your non-dog friends know to dress down when visiting your house

7.Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect.

8.Onlookers grimace at the sight of you sharing your sandwich with your four-legged pal, bite for bite

9.Call long distance and talk with your dog.

10.Dog hair in food is just another spice.

11.If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

12.Any conversation you're having is effortlessly directed back to the topic of dogs

13.90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's
new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple
lists, checking out photos, sounds and faqs, etc.).

14.All kinds of things around the house are in need of repair, but the injured
dog you rescued by the side of the road requires immediate surgery and out
comes the checkbook

15.All of your charitable donations go to dog-related and humane society
groups.

16.All of your furniture came to you second hand or via curbside discard, but
your dog crates are top of the line, industry premium.

17.All your social activities revolve around other dog people

18.Your voice is recognized by your vet's receptionist

19.And after 3 and a half hours of grooming you let that beautiful creature out
to go potty before bedtime and he turns and looks back at you, all clean and
pretty, he smiles a little smile that warms your heart so deeply that words
can never say. A picture you will remember forever. When the dog comes back
in you realize he has been rolling in the dead bird/squirrel you thought you
carefully buried that morning.

20.Anyone can look at your (pick all that apply) --- T-shirt - sweatshirt -
coffee mug - keychain - beach towel - cooking apron - couch throw - tote
bag - computer screen saver/wallpaper/mousepad/wristpad/monitor frame - gift
wrapping paper - photographic displays - calendars - refrigerator magnets -
weather vane - door mat - bumper stickers - umbrella - Christmas sweater -
socks - embroidery project - child's collection of stuffed animals - sheets
and bedspread - checks - checkbook covers - throw pillows - Home Pages ---
and know immediately that you are a dog lover, AND probably what particular
breed you favor.

21.At least three of your five weeks vacation are scheduled around grooming,
vaccinations and dental cleaning...all for the dogs!


22.City officials come to your home and say "Your dogs are barking." And you
can't figure out what the problem is.

23.Complete strangers call you on the phone to ask questions because they heard
you were a" dog person"

24.Cut your vacations to 3 day weekends only.

25.Dog crates double as chairs and/or tables in your family room

26.Everyone at the office is eager to know if the dogs are all right because you were late for the meeting

27.First time visitors wonder aloud: "Do you smell something?" and you really don't

28.In upstate New York this year, let's get out the map and see what else is
interesting in that area..." or "Let's go on a walking tour or Savannah so
we can bring the dogs along now what hotel chains allow dogs?")

29.Introduce your dog to the photographer and ask would you like to kiss fido
also.

30.It takes an entirely separate garbage can to handle the poop

31.It's easier to get a hairdresser's appointment for yourself than it is to
get one for your dog.

32.You are on an email list with other dog people and each
one of them feels like more than family.

33.Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.

34.More than half your grocery money goes to dog food and treats

35.Most of your social life is with other dog people.

36.Most of your vacation pictures are of dogs around the world.

37.No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your
dog(s).

38.No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair on
their clothes.

39.Nobody's feet are allowed on the furniture, but your dogs are welcome to
sleep on any piece they so choose

40.On your 1040 form all your charitable donations are to Humane Societies,
Shelters and Rescue groups.

41.On your Christmas list to 'Santa' you only want crooks, whistles, jumps,
doggie sweater, doggie 'gum ball machine', a place to have sheep, and oh
yes, the sheep.

42.One of your vet files is labeled "Other"

43.Order 250 Xmas photos of just the dog, no family in photos.

44.Order 5x7 photos of the kids and order 16 x20 of SPOT.

45.Overnight guests (who share your bed) are offended by having to sleep with
you and the dog(s)

46.Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.

47.Relative solidity of dog excrement is a suitable topic for discussion in
mixed company.

48.Tax rebates go to "the dog fund" or a spending spree through the supply
catalogs.

49.The cost of boarding your furkids equals that of your entire vacation

50.The dog's kibble is stored in 45 gallon garbage cans, and the water is kept
in a bucket with it's own drip tray under it. (Score extra if you have had a
water tap installed over the bucket to save time, or [for longhaired breeds]
if you keep a towel lying permanently on the floor to soak up drips and
squeegee around with your foot.)

51.The family's eye doctor is located in town, but the dog's ophthalmologist is
located a two-hour drive away.

52.The first question you ask when on a date is: "So, do you like animals?"

53.The guardians of your dogs will receive a larger amount of insurance policy
money than will all other members of your family, combined.

54.The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.

55.The instructions to the dog kennel are longer than the instructions to the
house sitter.

56.The largest display of collectibles in the house is dog stuff -- plates,
photos, cards, etc.

57.The majority of your charitable contributions go to animal organizations

59.The most exciting times on vacations, no matter where in the world you go,
is when you get to pet a dog (a "canine fix").

60.The number one priority when buying a new house is the size and landscape of
the backyard

61.The only (or at least first) forum you log onto is the animal forum

62.The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say to
you when they see you is, "How are the dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have
now?"

63.The only time you use your camper is for dog shows.

64.The part of the backyard you finish first is the dog run.

65.The part of your will dealing with your dogs is longer than any other part.

66.The sound of any liquid hitting the floor two rooms away at 3 a.m. Is enough
to launch you out of bed; but otherwise you can sleep through a ringing
telephone, the alarm clock, earthquake tremors, etc.

67.The thought of changing a baby's diaper makes you swoon, but you can pick up
dog poop barehanded, if necessary, without batting an eye

68.The total "poundage" of canines outweighs the total poundage of humans in
the household.

69.The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink,
to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

70.The whereabouts of all your important legal and personal documents escapes
you, yet you know precisely where to locate the file that includes all the
vet records, breed papers and registration

71.The word "bitch" becomes non-derogatory and flows naturally in most
conversations.

72.To win a precious $.75 show ribbon, you think nothing to forking out
hundreds of dollars to board/pet sit the other dogs, pay for entry fees,
gas, accommodations and meals

73.Vaccination and licensing records for all your dogs are in perfect order,
but your checkbook hasn't been balanced in months, and last year's tax
records are nowhere to be found.

74.When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

75.While proudly showing off your family album, your guest asks, "Isn't there
anyone else in your family besides the dog?"

76.You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog
sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the
drugstore.

77.You and your family haven't had your annual check up in two years, but the
dogs are all medically up to date

78.You are the only idiot out walking in the pouring rain, but your dog needs
her walk.

79.You are unbelievably pleased to receive a dog item (any dog item) as a
gift --especially from a "non-dog" friend. (They really cared even if it's
not your breed.)

80.You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid
of the vacuum cleaner.

81.You become paranoid about keeping ID on your dog at all times (collar, tags,
microchip, tattoo), but don't bother to carry any ID yourself.

82.You become the family dog kennel for all your relatives

83.You believe every dog is a lap dog.

84.You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the
neighborhood. You know their names.

85.You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

86.You break down and buy another pillow so you can have one to sleep on

87.You buy a $20.00 stuffed toy and within an hour you find toy stuffing all
over the yard. You and the dogs bow your heads in silent prayer.

88.You buy a bigger bed that will comfortably sleep six

89.You buy a mini-van to give them all enough travel room

90.You buy premium quality dog kibble for your dog, but live on take-out,
frozen pizza, and blue-box macaroni and cheese yourself.

91.You buy vitamin supplements for your dog and administer them daily (wrapped
in cheese if necessary), but consider yourself fortunate if you remember to
take your own more than twice a week.

92.You can only remember people by associating them with their dog

93.You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

94.You can't remember family birthdays and anniversaries, but you can rattle
off a six generation pedigree with birthdates, health data and coat colors
at the drop of a hat.

95.You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are
nose-prints all over the inside.

96.You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.

97.You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your
parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.

98.You carry plastic "pick-up" bags and an extra kennel lead in your purse,
pocket, and car at all times.

99.You celebrate dog events (new dog, dog birthday, finished championships,
etc.) by throwing catered parties with lots of people--but you ignore your
own birthday.

100.You change jobs so you can spend more time with the dogs.

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever
printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

Please scroll down . .



















Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

ROFL~ I love that one every time I read it!

6 5 4 3 2 1 0 launch


http://img454.imageshack.us/img454/5986/kzalpugotov0su.jpg

Maxxina:Are they army or air force cadets
getting hands on experience. LOL

skipinnz: LOL
looks like navy to me, thats naval weaponry

There's a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub.

Purchase the antidote known as Work-lsolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-AII-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

This virus is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster
).

Update 1-12-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that: Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require more generous application.

...meditated on the true meaning of the season...
and didnt do anything to crazy for new years:
http://www.curiousjosh.com/gallery/albums/seaofdreamsla04/PICT1131.jpg


all the best to everyone in this year.

Little Red Riding Hood
The Politically Correct Version
(from http://www.funny-stuff-central.com/redrhood.php)
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.

"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.

"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!

This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

Beren the 32nd: snicker
good one!!
I'd LOVE to see SNL do a sketch based on this!

For all the Italians out there, or those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, or even to be friends of Italians.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.....

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

I am a senior citizen.

During the Clinton Administration I had a good job.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse because of his policies.

I lost my job.

I lost my home.

I lost my health insurance.

I lost my two sons in that terrible War in Iraq.

As a matter of fact, I've lost virtually everything and become homeless.

Instead of getting some help, I only got arrested.

George W. Bush has to go!

We should do anything that Senators Kennedy, Clinton, and Kerry want to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House with the next election.



Sincerely,

Saddam Hussein

Redfrog :

redfrog: ROFL!!!! I love it!

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

Summertop: hehehe.. Loved it!

run baby run :)

Curly

nobleheart: NYUK NYUK NYUK... I know who to vote for now! At least his nonsense in honest.

its here:

Hear It

Lyrics

You know you live in 2006 when...

1.) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave.










2.) you havent played solitaire with real cards in years.










3.) the reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they dont have a screen name or a myspace.










4.) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the tv.










6.) your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.










7.) you read this list, & keep nodding and smiling.










8.) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends.











9.) and you were too busy to notice number 5.














10.) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was a number 5.











11.) & now youre laughing at your stupidity.

Backoff: Good one!

dare I admit to #11?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following questions ~

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?


Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:
BANG!

Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....
(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver
Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

This is hilarious