The Usurper: Angry squirrels?

A crow with a machine gun.

What's black and roams through the forest?

http://www.imgag.com/product/full/ap/3067907/graphic1.swf

Having the volume on adds to the fun of interpretation. I did score an eight one time.

The Usurper: a drunk bear?

I know its Wednesday!
spaghetti I cook
I will really pay
I want a black rook

I want this so bad
I bet you do too
I will be so glad
When it goes through

I have lots to do
I better get going
I say this I do
'fore I get boring

LOL... oops... I wrote this to the wrong board!

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just
across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

(This one is a little risque, but wonderful, nevertheless: this was apparently voted "Best Joke In Austraila in 2005".)

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I make love to when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

Charlie says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb...

Yoga Puts Me in a Bad Position
This is a copywritten story and it would be great if you kept the
copyright intact when you forward it.
Copyright 2006 W. Bruce Cameron www.wbrucecameron.com



Experts tell you that to stay in top physical condition, you should
keep your strength and cardiovascular workouts in even proportion with
your stretching exercises. For years I have done this, keeping all
three at the same level, which is to say, zero. But when a newly
opened yoga studio sent me a letter telling me I could come in for a
free lesson, I was eager to go because it stated the program would be
tailored very specifically for my personal needs, which I took to mean
there would be a wine-and-cheese party afterward.

Yoga is a Sanskrit word for "smarter than the average bear." It is
based on the belief that if you lie twisted up on the floor, one arm
behind your neck and the other sticking out between your legs, ankles
on opposing shoulders, your knees grinding into your backbone, you
will find yourself in a state of mental and physical serenity that
only a chiropractor can fix.

When I arrived at the yoga studio I was disappointed to see that I
wouldn't be able to take a lesson after all, because a new Mexican
cafe had opened up across the street and was giving out complimentary
samples. One has to have priorities in life, and my priority is free
food. While I was in the restaurant, however, I ran into two yoga
students who enthusiastically sold me on the number-one benefit of
yoga: Each lesson ends with a nap! It's called "kielbasa," I think
they said--the instructor turns off the lights, gives everyone a
blanket, and lets you lie there like a kindergartener at rest time.

I told the woman at the yoga center that I wanted the lesson that
ended with the nap that sounded like sausage. Within a few minutes I
was led into a large gym and guided to a flat mat on the floor.

The instructor was a painfully slender and fit woman whose arms and
legs glowed with fake muscle tone. "Before we begin," she announced,
"are there any special needs or requests?"

"I'm not sure if it is a need or a request, but I'd like a pillow," I
told her.

She laughed--apparently this wouldn't be "full service" yoga
kielbasa. "Let's begin," she said, and within minutes was talking us
through a series of complex exercises like this: "Take the outer part
of your inner right thigh and push it toward the center of your lower
left knee, opening your hips." I fell to the floor as if I'd been
tossed from a moving bus. "Now reach for the ceiling," she coaxed
softly. "Try to feel your rib cage shatter, as your ligaments snap
and your muscles shred. That's right. Feel your organs fail and your
brain stem swell."

This might not be exactly what she said in her quiet, evil chant, but
it is how I interpreted it. Then she had us bend at the waist, feet
and hands flat on the floor, at which time it occurred to me that I'd
eaten a bean burrito for lunch--and that I was just moments away from
having it occur to other people as well.

The sensation was similar to what happens when you swallow an air
hose and then become a professional contortionist. Nearly sobbing
with effort, I concentrated on not becoming a human Hindenburg while
the instructor continued her sadistic drills without any hint of the
promised Polish sausage.

"Up down," she commanded. "Ache hurt. Pain die." (Again, this
might not be exactly what she said.)

Finally she had us twist ourselves into a position for which the word
"impossible" was invented, and I experienced what I suppose might be
termed "explosive decompression." It sounded like a tuba player being
sat on by an elephant. Everyone looked at me in alarm. "It's okay, I
feel a lot better now," I assured them. The people closest to me were
so relieved they had tears in their eyes.

By nap time nearly all the students had left, which I thought was
rather odd. After all that work, why wouldn't they stick around for
kielbasa? It was the best part!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++
For reprint permission, including web sites, please write me at
Bruce@wbrucecameron.com

This newsletter may be distributed freely via e-mail but you MUST
include the following subscription and copyright information:

The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2006 http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

Yes we want more subscribers! Please tell your friends about the
Cameron Column.

http://www.beygla.is/editor/userimages/boat_accident.jpg
http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Insurance/BoatSign.htm
( note the name of the boat in this one )
http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Insurance/Girder.htm
http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Insurance/ParkPile.htm
( you can't all park ion the same spot,gino's" )
http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Insurance/Plane.htm
http://travist.wikispaces.com/space/showimage/L.A.Staal_Crane_accident_001.jpg

nobleheart: WOW

http://www.pixagogo.com/6163285126 ">http://www.pixagogo.com/6163285126">http://www.pixagogo.com/6163285126

http://www.lukasland.com/humour/Visual-Nice/Transport-02/Car-Boat.jpg

http://www.freeaccidentinfo.com/images/vanboat.jpg

http://www.strangedangers.com/images/content/105284.jpg

The town founder had passed away and the whole town turned out, as did his family who arrived from all over the globe. This threw the mortuary into an uproar. They had some employees doing two or three jobs and others switching jobs to get everything done.

After the chapel services, all the members of the funeral party piled into the different cars for the drive to the cemetery. The procession was very long, and one group of family members, not knowing their way, decided to ask the driver how much further it would be. The patriarch tapped the driver on the shoulder, and said, "Pardon me....."

The driver let out a scream and turned with a grimace of horror to see who had tapped him. In doing so, he drove the car into the ditch and through a farmer's fence, almost overturning it.

After calming everyone down, the driver somberly explained, "I'm so sorry for what happened, but you see, I usually drive the hearse."

http://sushihigh.com/farside.jpg

http://www.friendsofbigfoot.org/twp/photos/what-farside.jpg

nobleheart: I sure know how the cat feels! lol

nobleheart:Poor kitty

POLICE HUMOR - WYOMING STATE POLICE - GOTTA LOVE 'EM!!!!!


IN MOST OF THE NORTHERN STATES, THERE IS A POLICY OF CHECKING ON ANY STALLED VEHICLE ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN THE TEMPERATURES DROP DOWN TO THE SINGLE DIGITS OR BELOW. ABOUT 3 A.M. ONE VERY COLD MORNING IN MARCH 2004, A STATE POLICE OFFICER RESPONDED TO A CALL: THERE WAS A CAR OFF THE SHOULDER OF THE ROAD ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF CASPER.



HE LOCATED THE CAR, STUCK IN DEEP SNOW AND WITH THE ENGINE STILL RUNNING. PULLING IN BEHIND THE CAR WITH HIS EMERGENCY LIGHTS ON, THE OFFICER WALKED TO THE DRIVER'S DOOR TO FIND AN OLDER MAN PASSED OUT BEHIND THE WHEEL WITH A NEARLY EMPTY VODKA BOTTLE ON THE SEAT BESIDE HIM.



THE DRIVER CAME AWAKE WHEN THE OFFICER TAPPED ON THE WINDOW. SEEING THE ROTATING LIGHTS IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR AND THE STATE POLICEMAN STANDING NEXT TO HIS CAR, THE MAN PANICKED, JERKED THE GEARSHIFT INTO "DRIVE" AND HIT THE GAS. THE CAR'S SPEEDOMOTER WAS SHOWING 20-30-40 AND THEN 50 MPH, BUT IT WAS STILL STUCK IN THE SNOW, WHEELS SPINNING.



THE POLICEMAN, HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR, BEGAN RUNNING IN PLACE NEXT TO THE SPEEDING, BUT STILL STATIONARY CAR. THE DRIVER WAS TOTALLY FREAKED THINKING THE OFFICER WAS ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HIM. THIS GOES ON FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS WHEN THE PATROLMAN YELLED AT THE MAN ORDERING HIM TO "PULL OVER!" THE MAN OBEYED, TURNED HIS WHEEL AND STOPPED THE ENGINE. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE MAN FROM CASPER WAS ARRESTED AND IS PROBABLY STILL SHAKING HIS HEAD OVER THE STATE PATROLMAN WHO COULD RUN 50 MILES PER HOUR.

redfrog: A burnt forest ranger.

Are there any fellowships that have a "bad jokes" board? I don't mean a joke that is not a good joke, I mean; "I can't believe that was just said"... a place to post posts that would get blocked or cause me to be hidden on this board. Anyone?

rednaz23:
If you don't find such a board, please send me personal messages - I've such a kinky mind that no joke's too 'bad' for me!!!

rednaz23: Try here:
http://brainking.com/en/ShowFellowship?fid=331

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

Sarah1980: Too funny!

was'nt it

Sarah1980: I didn't get it.

Pikachu is sitting at a bus stop. The bus comes, and Pikachu walks to the bus door but won't get on! what do you do?



Pokemon!

This really isn't a joke. It is just plain hilarious! This guy gets what he deserves...

Here is the link: Rich man vs. Old woman

Phil (rednaz23)

rednaz23: thats brilliant!! Never mess with old ladies!!

rednaz23: Exelent link! Gotta love it! and i want to hear the explanation to the insurance company!

Sarah1980: hahaha.. I live in Wyoming.. I can vouch for this! LOL

rednaz23: Thats just to friggin funny!! LOL

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was

trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.


Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.


The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.


A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.


She steps out of the car
and asks the man what's wrong.


"I feel terrible," !
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."


The blonde says,
"Don't worry."


She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.


She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.


The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.


Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves,

hops another ten feet,

turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.


The man is astonished.


He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"


The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.



It says.




(Are you ready for this?)











(Are you sure?)











(This is bad!)











(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)











(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)








(You can still delete it)








(You know you're gonna be sorry)











(Last chance)











(OK, here it is)










It says,







"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Sarah1980: hehehe oh noooooo

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

two little boys go into the grocery store. one is nine, one is four. the nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it 2 the register for check-out. the cashier asks "oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" the nine-year-old replies, "nope, not for my mom." without thinking, the cashier responded, "well, they must be for your sister then?" the nine-year-old responded, "nope, not for my sister either." the cashier had now become curious. "oh. not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who r they for?" the nine-year old says "they're for my four-year-old little brother." the cashier is surprised: "your four year-old-brother?" the nine-year-old explains: "well yeah, they say on tv if u wear one of these, u can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."

at the cocktail party, one woman said 2 another, "aren't u wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
the other women replied, "yes i am, i married the wrong man."

irishfrenchkiss: lol..what a chilly quip that was:
http://www.laze.net/images/other/oops.jpg

a little boy asked his father, "daddy, how much does it cost 2 get married?"
and the father replied, "i dunno son, i'm still paying."

five surgeons r discussing who makes the best patients 2 operate on.
the first surgeon says, "i like 2 c accountants on my operating table, cuz when u open them up, everything is numbered.
the second surgeon responds, "yeah, but u should try electricians! everything inside them is color coded."
the third surgeon says, "no, i really think the file clerks r the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."the fourth surgeon chimes in, "u know, i like construction workers. those guys always understand when u have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than u said it would."
but the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "u r all wrong. lawyers r the easiest 2 operate on. there's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass r interchangeable."

A rich guy is in big trouble when he forgets his wedding anniversary. His wife tells him, "Tomorrow, Buster, there better be something in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat." The next morning she sees a package in the driveway. She opens it up -- bingo! -- finds a brand new bathroom scale.

boop2004: ROFLMAO, now that is real funny

what needs to be invented:
http://www.joke-around.com/pictures/cell_phone_for_men.jpg
some reason why women outlive men:
http://humanics-es.com/men-women.jpg
http://astronomibladet.dk/images/uploads/Artikler/practical_joke.jpg
mmm:
http://www.c-wilkie.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/jokes/images/men_bathe_kids.jpg
http://www.sickjokes.net/media/men2.jpg

blond: hello 911
911 operator: may I help you??what is your emergency??
blond Yes..someone stole my sterring wheel..i would like to file a report.
911 operator:ok i will send a police officer where are you??
blonde: she tells them
a few minutes pass and the blond calls back
blond: hello 911 operator
911 operator: yes may i help you
blond: yes i am the one who called to report my sterring wheel stoling.. and please cancell the police responding
911 operator:why maam...
blond: oh i was just in the back seat
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Sarah1980: Its the Joke board!

gogul: there

Sarah1980: That was a funny story! Uegonerea Lectit. LOL