Dolittle:And as a person who doesn't know WalMart and nor does he know the different types of wine, I didn't understand it at all!

King Reza: Never mind! Something really funny might turn up next time.

The Listener: you`re an A-1 caperman . my congrats sir. ha ha .keep up the good stuff mookster

From here and there:

1. Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

2. The road to success is always under construction.

3. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think of it,
neither does milk.

4. In order to get a loan, you are first required to prove that you
don't need it.

5. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or
fattening.

6. Since light travels faster than sound, people appear brighter
before you hear them speak.

7. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever
tried.

8. Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most
inaccessible corner.

9. 42.73% of all statistics is made on the spot.

10. As soon as you mention something ... if it is good, it is
taken ... If it is bad, it happens.

11. The golden rule - He who has the gold, makes the rules.

12. If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late, the bus is
still late.

13. Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being
sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

14. When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the
person in front of you will always have the most complex of
transactions.

15. If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

16. All buses are crowded... all buses in the opposite direction
always go empty.

17. The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the
bathroom.

18. If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

19. The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the
errors until another person is fired or quits.

20. Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the
cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker.

Haridaspal: very very good. a perverse joke where the joke is always on us. ain`t it the way! mook53lhd

The older you are the funnier it gets...........
This is a story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in
Florida. He was a widower and she was a widow. They had known one
another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the Club House, and the
widower and widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening and spirits were high. The widower sent a few admiring glances across the table, and the widow smiled coyly back at him. Finally, he plucked up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will. "

The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective homes. The next morning, the widower was troubled. Did she say 'Yes', or did she say 'No'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him he could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First,
he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
"Why, you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will.' And I meant it with all
my heart. "The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't
remember who asked me."
|

This was my grandfather's favourite tale on old people with set habits:

Two old men were sitting on a park bench (a la Aqualung?) one morning. One said to the other, "You know, habits are so difficult to break at our age. For instance, it's become my habit to go home after the morning walk and have a cold beer, whether there's some at home or not."

The second man was most intrigued; "How can you have a beer if there's none at home?"

Said the first old man forlornly, "That's what I was talking about - (sigh) habit!'

WatfordFC: Great story, thanks, but I just noticed your name - that's great, too! Best of luck for the Premier League!!!

WatfordFC: lol, that is cute..

I heard the Pope said the preists can kiss the nuns now.

So long as they don't get in the Habit.

JackS:

JackS:

Haridaspal: WOW your in India and you new we had been promoted

WatfordFC: very good .+ to those of us who are getting up there in yrs= a propos mook53lhd

JackS: ha ha --don`t get in the habit. good 1 mook

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c66/Darkfox72/JokeSign7.jpg
http://data1.blog.de/blog/k/kikita/img/SignOfConfusion_26.jpg
http://www.blog4humor.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/03/be%20a%20sperm%20donor.bmp
???
http://i16.ebayimg.com/05/i/06/c5/49/e4_1_b.JPG
http://www.oldtowncathouse.com/images/new-05/cat-vomit_lg.jpg

I have done this often. The results are amazing if you succeed.
You casually walk up to some guy you know who has more confidence than you feel he deserves. You look around casually as if thinking about something (which you aren't) you do this for a little bit while the guy is absorbed in whatever. Than you react as if surprised as if you noticed something about his fly in his pants being open. (Don't overdo the act!)Than in a way that is best for you.....NOT SOMEBODY ELSE.... tell him that his fly is CLOSED. (in the same way you would if you were telling him that his fly IS actually OPEN. If distracted enough he WILL attempt to CLOSE his fly only to be dumbfounded to see that it is closed. So now just relax and watch as he deals with this perplexing issue until he realises that YOU DID TELL HIM THAT "HIS FLY IS CLOSED" Than wait to see how he deals with this info!
I have seen such confident guys become speachless and flustered so fast that I can truely say that it is COOL to watch and observe. But I always go after the guys who have some superior edge over me, a boss for example or a "class clown" who always gets the last word, etcetra.
Thanks for reading my post!

Gentlegiant101: Well, well, you may be gentle but you're something else, too - just the person of my heart!!!

JackS: It is great and truly wonderful to see that the pope is becoming progressive in this area, as he should be. However, because the French word "habit" means "suit" as in "Suit and tie" in English, Hopefully the pope will write out his newly established permission in such a way that the French speaking preists will not feel excluded and made to feel that THEY must continue to abstain from kissing nuns.

Haridaspal: If the mobile always rings when you are in the bathroom why not bring the mobile in the bathroom with you?

People keep telling me that I must forget the past. As it is I keep forgetting to forget the past. Is my memory going on me or is there really nothing to worry about. I thank you for your response(s)in advance.

Two patients limp into two different American Medical clinics with
the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require
a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same
day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then
gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally
has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.....

The second is a Senior Citizen.

Gentlegiant101: Yes, good question, but that's the time I have the mobile recharged, and the bathroom plug-point is choked with smoke.

Gentlegiant101: I read somewhere: "My memory being what it is, the past is not what it was." So, no worries, even if you forget what to forget!

Sarah1980: Brilliant!

my karma ran over my dogma

Sarah1980: I can relate to that! LOL!

The Stranger (excellent reading for anyone)



A few months before I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to
our small Tennessee town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with
this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.
The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the
world a few months later.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind,
he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom
taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it. But the stranger He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with
adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always
knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed
able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each
other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room and read
her books (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in the home, not even for
cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced
strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... and NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you were to walk into my parent's den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?....

We just call him, "TV."

**Note: This should be required reading for every household in America!**

He has a younger sister now. We call her, "computer."

Sarah1980: oh that is just too funny lol

spicieangel: awww thanks

Sarah1980: did you ever work in the catskills?. a good one. mook

mook53lhd: nope not me

Remember when Bush wins Gore? Japan sent lot's of  Viagra to the US. They've heard they can't have an election... ;)

Gabriel Almeida:

I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time.

I continued that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.)

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack because he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T ", (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a GOLF term.

WatfordFC: "I had always thought it was a GOLF term."
Damn! So did I!

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able
to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now,” he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and
said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused also!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but.." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right,
did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, DUH! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

Jim Dandy: :)