Stardust: And again I find myself wondering why I can't draw a gun to save my life. Out of desperation to find some sort of talent for art I went to Art..hur Murray's dance school. After the experience I decided that such a search was to a degree ARTificial and became peaceful with those talents that I have.

A friend of mine just called to ask if I heard the latest news. "Yes I did" I told him.
"Wasn't it awesome!"
"What are you referring to?" I asked with a bit of bewilderment.
The news that you and I just heard.
"Oh that....."
"What do you mean by that?" my friend asked becoming a bit exasperated with me.
"Just that I heard the news in question, but that I didn't listen to it."

skipinnz: i didn't do nuttin,wasn't even there,what lawn where ?/ ha ha. a little muggs mcginnis mook

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

"Dear God,
I am a 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
" Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those people at the Post
Office.
Sincerely yours
"Edna".

Stardust:

Dad: Johnny, how was your first day at school? What did you learn?
Johnny: Today I learned a lot of new words.
Dad: What words have you learned, then?
Johnny: Disrupt, misbehave, annoy, atrocious, nervous breakdown and sabbatical.

Little Mary was in class, chewing green bubble gum. Her feet were sticking out into the aisle of the classroom. So the teacher said, "Mary, take that gum out of your mouth, and put your feet in!"

A lady and her little boy were traveling by train, sharing the compartment with 2 men. One of the men decided that the boy looked very strange, but didn't mention it. The other man was much more direct, telling the mother, "You have a very ugly son."

The mother burst into tears. After she had stopped crying, she demanded an apology from the man for insulting her. He refused to apologize.

When the conductor approached the compartment to punch tickets, the lady told him that a fellow passenger had insulted her.

The conductor replied, "This is terrible. On this railway, we always wish to ensure that our passengers have a pleasant trip. We focus on good customer service. To make up for the problem you have had with another passenger, I am offering you a free meal in our dining car. I can probably find a banana for your monkey, too."

ArnieTxx:

Papa Bear came down the stairs, yawning. He entered the dining room, and saw that there was no food on the table. In a grumpy voice, he said, "Someone has stolen my porridge."

Soon after that, Baby Bear came to the dining room, and said "Someone has stolen my porridge, too."

Then Mama Bear came down the stairs, looking very tired. She entered the dining room, and saw that her husband and son both were quite upset. So Mama Bear said "Complaints, complaints, even before I make breakfast!"

Brain King shows me where to go to see my "profile". But what is my Profile? It would seem to me that a pro....file is a professional file which gets paid for what it does. Otherwise it would be an amateur...file! Or is my pro....file being paid somehow?

ArnieTxx:LOL I love it! But,where does it say that Baby bear was a boy?

A man enters his local bar holding a frog and and iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of."
"Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon.

"That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner.

As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist.

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."

With that, the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch . . ."

The father dialed the same number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver was slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means."

He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, "HELLO!"

The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"

Universal Eyes: That is hilarious.

When a man talks dirty to a woman it is considered harrassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it is $3.95 a minute

Universal Eyes: How can you be so sure?

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.

Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what happened.

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Something's ya just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what did you do.

Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

skipinnz:

Universal Eyes: very good observation. but i think the price went up. . no no i don't know from personal experience. i may even have it confused with the psychics prices. just another sad commentory on life in general these days. if it is a joke at all .its on us ,as most now are. like the pervert from fla. why would a guy who must know must hes abnormal (ok sick) run for a position of trust. knowing today if you are living against the grain you will be found out. do you think he ran for office purely because there were many young boys working there & he would be their superior. quite spooky & scary if you dwell on it. but as i said your original observation was really astute . a shame but still correct.query how will comedians make a living in the future. everything they poke fun at will be less & less humorous ,or perhaps riproaring funny as our values vanish in the sewer. mook

Universal Eyes: thats an oldie but goodie.all your friends call the # on your unlimited . when he `s EXASPERATED this is melvin . pretty funny gag. mook

pgt:So you are part of my company. before you speak!

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster.
In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall.

They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband, her kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with very little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

Fiona: Then what happened?

Thad: think about it - if all the men started clapping they must of let go of the rope to do that therefore falling off

Fiona: Yes, I know, just being funny. ;-)

Universal Eyes: If only he had a Quiché.

Pedro Martínez: My brain hurts. Please clarify. I only found: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quich%C3%A9_%28disambiguation%29

At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.



Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.



Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone



"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."



A voice from near the front pierces the silence;



"Well, stop ******* doing it then."

BananaD: Sorry but that isn't funny!

BananaD: 1 for funny. purely being humorous. .it couldv'e been said differently for sure . say everytime you clap "someone in the world kicks the bucket from it.or a gentler way someone in the world contracts it mook53lhd

Beren the 32nd: Quiché is a language spoken by native Guatemalans. The world would be better off if this guy was born as a Quiché native speaker.

Obviously some don't know the weird sense of humour Glaswegians have and you can't put it past them in making such a comment. I work closely with a couple of ex Glaswegians.
Bono does a lot of great work (as well as Bob Geldof just to name 2) in making the power nations of this world do something productive in assisting those countries less fortunate. I'll leave it at that as this is not the board to discuss this any further. cheers.

Pedro Martínez: actually quiche is food

teenangel: I looked it up. He's right, and so are you.

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW

Fiona: Thanks Fiona.  That was one of the few English jokes that have made me laugh.

King Reza: lol glad you liked it but it was sent to me by an American friend - so the Britts cant take credit for it unfortunately lol

Fiona:By English I was referring to the Language! 

King Reza: lol oh ok

Fiona: thats a good 1 .especially with halloween coming. very good mook53lhd

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walks
in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me - this very
moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his
all on the kitchen table. Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns
to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

crosseyed: I need explanation to understand it! 

maybe we're getting just a little beyond what should be on this board?