1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MY PEOPLES BED! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY

Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

Following this simple advice I finally found the inner peace that I'd been searching for. The article offering the advice simply said "Finish all the things you have started." So I looked around the house to find all the things I had started yet hadn't finished..... and before starting work this morning, I have finished of a bottle of Barcadi, a bottle of Red Wine, a bottle of the Best Scotch, my Prozac, a handful of Valium, a small box of chocolates, 2 litres of Foster's lager, a can of cider, a large Joint and a bit of Cheddar Cheese.

Ypou hvae no idreaa hwo booldy gerat I fleel rgihgt aobuut now...yuu myay wnat to psass tihs on to aynmoee yuio feele issn needof smome Inen Poeace

my karma ran over my dogma

A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see that he went through at work so one day when he saw a Pixie at the bottom of his garden he made a little wish:
“Little Pixie, I go to work everyday and work hard for eight hours while my wife just stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.”
His wish was granted.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He got up, cooked breakfast for his mate, woke the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches and then drove them to school. On the way home he picked up the dry cleaning and stopped at the bank to draw out some cash. Then he shopped for the groceries, drove home, put them away, paid a few bills and balanced the cheque book. He cleaned the cat’s litter tray and walked the dog.
It was already 1.00pm so he hurried home to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick the kids up and got into an argument with them on the way home. Then he gave them snacks and milk and got them organised to do their homework while he set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4.30pm he began peeling potatoes and washing salad vegetables, he breaded the pork chops and prepared fresh fruit for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen up. Filled up the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
By 9.00pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love (which he managed to do without any complaints!)
The next morning he awoke and immediately went down the garden to find the Pixie. He found him eventually, propped against a toadstool and he said to him
“I don’t know what I was thinking of. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Pixie grinned and replied
“I feel that you have learned your lesson and I’ll be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you’ll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night!"

they spot a huge herd of young and crispy cows. Son Bull gets all excited,
scratches ground, honks and, during some frolic leaps and jumps, he exclaims,

"DDD-dd-daddy dhere dhere - let's run down and serve some of dhem !!"

"Oh Bullcheeks, you overclocked teenypopper, NO we'll walk down and serve them all -
one thing yet from a lifetime's wisdom, you shalt the heck effort the pleasance to drop
a few friendly words, every after. Those are Ladies, got me."

"Yay yay !!!" *hoppel hop* "All what you say, my daddy !"

Done as planned - they part to begin
working through the herd from opposite sides ...
After a while you cAn only hear them yet.

Father Bull from the left:

"Merci, Madame." ...
"Merci Beaucoup, Madame." ...
"Merci, vous êtes très sexy, Madame." ... Merci, Madame." ...

Son Bull from the right:

"Mercimadame mercimadame mercimadame mercimadame
mercimadame pardonpapa mercimadame mercimadame ..."

LOL!! 0;-D

Lets start off with one considered to be a classic puzzle:
The man in the elevator. A man lives on the tenth floor of his building. Everyday he catches the elevator down to the ground floor and goes to work. On the way home he always takes the elevator to the seventh floor and walks the remaining flights of stairs to his apartment on the tenth. Why does he do this?

Could it be the elevator doesn't go any further than the 7th floor.

no. It goes to the top. (he catches it from there in the morn)

because that's as high as he can reach, the button for the 7th floor.

correct.

Through the window.
A woman stands looking through the window on the 6th floor of an office building. Suddenly, overcome by an impulse, the woman opened the window and leapt though it. It was a sheer drop outside the building to the ground. She did not use a parachute or land in water, or any special soft surface. Yet the woman was completely unhurt when she landed. How could this be so?

Either she landed on the balcony or on the 5 floors tall building accross the alley.

She was a window cleaner and jumped from the outside to the inside?

correct.

The day before yesterday i was 17. Next year i will be 20. How is this possible?

Yesterday was Dec. 31 and it was your birthday. You turned 18 on that day, therefore on Dec. 31 of this year you will turn 19 and of next year 20.

Here's one. All of us are different creatures; all of us have different features. One of us in glass is set, another you'll find in jet. One of us you'll find in tin, and a fourth is boxed within. If the fifth you should pursue, it can never fly from you. What are we?

what page do I turn to for the answer?

the vowels. 'a' in glass, 'e' in jet etc

An explorer was captured by a tribe whose Chief decided that the woman should die. The Chief was a very logical man and gave the explorer a choice. The explorer had to make a single statement. If the statement was true she would be thrown over a high cliff, if it were false she was to be eaten by lions.
What statement did the explorer make that forced the Chief to let her go?

Are the explorer and the woman the same person?

Yes.

Then she said, "I am lying."

The reply was " your going to feed me to the lions"

correct.

broken down. A man pushing his car stopped outside a motel. The instant he got there he knew he was bankrupt. Whats going on?

For the first one: any paradoxical statement will do, or any statement that would be paradoxical based on the two punishments for truth or falsity. ("I am lying." or "You will feed me to the lions." would both do).

not all paradoxical statements work. For example the i am lying statement.
If the Chief believed she was lying then she would be thrown over the cliff. If the Chief believed that she was telling the truth, then off to the lions with her.

The statement "I am lying" is not a matter of belief. If the chief "thought" she was telling the truth (the statement would be true), she'd be lying.

The wording of the Q is if the statement is true then.....
It is possible to admit to lying, therefore making the 'i am lying' statement true, resulting in the long fall.

"My Dixie Wrecked" z:)

 (Best said aloud to oneself for full enhancement)

But if you say "I am lying," and are telling the truth, then you are not telling the truth because you are lying, but also telling the truth. If when you say "I am lying" you are lying, then you are telling the truth but also lying. So when you say randomly "I am lying" you cannot possibly be telling the truth OR lying because you are doing the other. So you are doing neither.

In other words, you can't admit to lying because then you'd be saying that, as you said the statement, you were lying... meaning you were NOT telling the truth.

I must agree with thepanda, His puzzles were based on reality. In reality NO ONE lies about everything. EVERYONE will tell the truth sometimes. Now would you believe anyone that said they were totally honest in everything they said? I wouldn't.

Therefore, it would be up to the chief to decide if they were or were not lying in this statement.


sooo...are we getting caried away with this? LOL

If you say "I'm lying" and you ARE lying then you are telling the truth about lying.

and then don't try, the anchor wells, whilst sense moves like a butterfly ... ~*~

men say that the first thing they notice about a woman
are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they
notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars ... ~*~

sorry guys, didnt mean to start such a debate. In truth i can see perfectly well what APolaris is saying, but since 'i am lying' can be taken to many different ways i'll have to stick with the original answer.

you may believe a resident alien sharing his advanced basics: some debates
have never stopped actually, any result just a genuine imitation, still almost
exactly the difference same as it ever was, catastrophical, but not serious ... ~*~

The lake problem.
There is a large and irregularly shaped lake on your property. It is of varriable and unknown depth. There are no rivers or streams entering or leaving the lake. How would you fid the volume of water in the lake?

spelling?!?!?!?!
'fid' is meant to be 'find'

get a pump that shoots X amount of gallons out per min, then measure the amount dropped on the shoreline..

Then sit back and have some coffee on the deck over looking it.. and say.. what the Hell.. does it really matter how much water is in it? LOL

I have no clue!! LOL

My method would be to take a large glass mix it with a good wiskey and after a bottle who would care lol

dont waste the whiskey by mixing it. Take it neat and the lake will sort itself out :)

If computers have no doors or fences, who needs Windows and Gates?

Motel: the guy was the motel owner and when he got there he found out the place had gone up in flames?
(sorry for bringing this back but I didn't notice the answer to this one yet ;))

lake: you measure the salt concentration of the lake. Pour a few bags of salt in the lake and stirr it well, so the salt concentration is more or less the same in all the lake. Measure the salinity again. From the concentation and knowing the volume of salt you poured in the lake, the approximate volume of the lake should become obvious.
But who cares about how much water there is in the lake anyway? ;)