which brings up the question: Why even have a moderator like Purple who will read the post, but not Moderate them?

maybe, are gay too? LOL

Poetry is nice too ...

Paulinho!És o maior!Mostra como é ser um homem do Norte...Carago!

Carago!!!!!!

Hey guys, would you mind speaking in english. I don't understand your dialect...

The obscene posts have been deleted and the posters banned or hidden. I can only go so fast.

No

Am i banned or on hide?

Well, seems not. Thank´s...

Eiaur is very crazy ...

Why eiaur isn't expulse?

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you, " Mrs. Smith cut in.

Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread
out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor?

No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam,none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs.Smith.

Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in
five minutes, but you! 'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," and get this; the photographer said."And for more than three hours, too."

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um..equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.

Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord,she's fainted!"

who is Stevie2
another LongJohn account?

- So thick, so thick! - the woman says

He silences her by saying that it is entering folded


Non sence

Nev Nake: Look on his games, how quickly he resign (and with whom). This is the answer. There is a lot of pawns identities to manipulate the ratings, but beware to say it loudly...
(Oh my God, I made a racistic statement again!)

Orilia Ontario has a huge Cannon as well as tree's planted for the people that have died for this Country with a plaque on every tree for every individual.Then the root joined underground and united intermigling with the speed of sound.:o)

and with whom indeed - pertinent occurances -
and certainly not the kind of jokes called out. ~*~

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes and candy bars at the front.
 
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. While contemplating surgery for being to fat.
 
Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Plus hire a rent a cop with a gun that would make Barney Fife look like Dirty Harry.
 
Only in America.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
 
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and  buns in packages of eight. Don't forget screws in three's and nails by the dozen.
 
Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
 
Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
 
EVER WONDER ...
 
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
 
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
 
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
 
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
 
Why is it that doctors and lawyers call what they do "practice"?
 
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
 
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
 
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
 
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
 
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
 
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
 
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
 
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
 
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
 
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
 

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold
out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder
which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the
manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very
difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and mental illness.

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is CRAZY.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

A woman awakes during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today".

The biggest problem with the younger generation these days is that I don't belong to it any more.

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times....(At my age, that's true of everything you can possibly ever say.)

I used to have Saturday Night Fever...Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old...as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose...some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as you coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief.

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age. But they haven't made one called, "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard one of the
all-time best comeback lines in my life.

Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR)
interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who
was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military
installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. "

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent
killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're
not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke.....lots of it.

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a forty-year old man says that can only be done in the movies.

If you spray furniture polish on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A four-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows, even double pane, does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball cleats, it does not leak.....it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house four inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year old.

Duplo blocks will not.

PlayDough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Superglue is forever.

McGuyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters don't like Jello.

VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Neither do embroidered bedsheets.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

Always look in the dryer before using it. A four-year old can break an arm in a rotating dryer.

The fire department in our city has a response time of at least five minutes.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up two times their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean there is nothing wrong.

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she says, “Wear your sweater.”

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.

Over the course of the evening, he started to wonder if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest’s thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is strictly professional.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, “Father, ever since the young priest came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it do you?”

The priest said, “Well, I doubt it, but I will write him a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:

“Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here.”

Several days latter the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read:

“Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.”

Some funny pictures...

Old Man 1

Old Man 2

Old Man 3

Old Man 4

Old Man 5

Old Man 4 was funny as ...LOL

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the Rules when dealing with women.

Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.



Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:

MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY


Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed....................... +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......... .... 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets .................. -1

You leave the toilet seat up . ............... -5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty ............... 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........................ -1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom ....... -2

You go out to buy her a treat ................ .... +5

In the snow ............. +8

But return with beer ..... -5

And no treat ....... -25

You check out a suspicious noise at night ..... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing ........ 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something ..... +5

You pummel it with a six iron ...... +10

It's her cat
............................ -40



AT THE PARTY:

You stay by her side the entire party
.......... +1

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy
........... -2

Named Tiffany
......... -4

Tiffany is a dancer .......
. -10

With breast implants
...... -18


HER BIRTHDAY:

You remember her birthday
....... 0

You buy a card and flowers
....... 0

You take her out to dinner
........ 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar
........ +1

Okay, it is a sports bar
......... -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night ............. -3

It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team.
..................... - 10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go with a pal
............... 0

The pal is happily married
...... +1

The pal is single
....................... -7

He drives a Ferrari
................. -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED
.................. -15


A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie
........ +2

You take her to a movie she likes ........ +4

You take her to a movie you hate
....... +6

You take her to a movie you like
............... -2

It's called Death Cop III
......... -3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans
............ -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans
...... -15


YOUR PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable pot belly
............. -15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it ........ +10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts ...-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too
............. -800


THE BIG QUESTION: She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding

....... -10

You reply, "Where ................ -35

You reply, "No, I think it's your ass" .......... -100

Any other response ................. -20



COMMUNICATION: (When she wants to talk about a problem:)

You listen, displaying a concerned expression .................. 0

You listen, for over 30 minutes ...... +5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience .............. +50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying
well, what do you think I should do
........... -100

You have fallen asleep ........ -200


IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH:

You talk
............... -100

You don't talk
.............. -150

You spend time with her .............. -200

You don't spend time with her ...... -500

You seem to be enjoying yourself ..... -1000


Game Over --YOU LOSE! !

How to phone:
http://www.dusky.sk/pics/2004-10/phone.jpg

 
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, 
and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, 
which they called 'Yam.' 
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. 
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked,
 so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, 
and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' 
and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
 Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into 
the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! 
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home 
and become a Couch Potato either. 
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be 
skinny like her Shoestring cousins. 
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato 
told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. 
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. 
And when she went out west, 
to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. 
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow 
and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, 
or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise 
their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' 
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. 
(that's Potato University) so that when she graduated 
she'd really be in the Chips. 
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam 
came home and announced she was going to marry 
Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. 
Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't 
possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.... 

Are you ready for this? 
Are you sure?............................ 
OK! Here it is! Scroll Down....





A COMMON TATER!

She done really dug that one, ya knows who eyes mean, non-oddar den da high grandasaltum misteress, SISTER JASMINE NOXEMA-TAPIOCA an' her unscrutable companium, SISTER OB'DEWLLA 'X' Sheik yo NAKKINS, MaMMiEs!


                ~ MS

The Redhead
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman.  Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies. . . . . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."

An old man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.
Having never seen a priest before, he asked, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."

The older gent thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the Father for many."

The older fellow quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have five sons, six daughters and too many grandchildren to count... But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."

Now the kindly old gentleman was stunned and sat silently for a long time.

As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Well, sonny, perhaps, it's your pants you should wear backwards."

Two budgies on a perch. One turns to the other and says, 'Can you smell fish?'

I'm sure that'd be funny if I was enlightened as to what a "budgie" (or is it "budgy"?) is.

:-)

Budgerigar. They're birds from Australia often kept as pets.

Wish I'd said sparrows now!

A man walks into a phyciatrists office. Says, "doc I keep having these alternate recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwan. Its driving me crazy. Whats wrong with me?"
The doctor answers, "it's simple. You are two tents."

A little girl falls down a well and can't get out. Her brother stands there and does nothing. Finally hearing the screams a neighbor runs over and pulls the girl out. He looks at the brother and asks, "why didn't you do something to help her?" So the boy replys, "how can I be a brother and assist her too?"

What's brown and looks through your bedroom window at night?


Poo on stilts.

ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you call a girl who has one leg shorter than the other?

Ilene.

What about an Asian girl with the same disfigurement?

Irene. (can't pronounce the r/l diff..ah well...it sounds better than it reads)

LOL:) thats pretty good,red! I didnt think real jokes were allowed here anymore...oh wait,the moderator is gone now,thats why.
*edit*the posts in question were removed by the new moderator...thx harley:-)