well im told i'm mental and i thought it was good lol, hang on i've just dropped my pencil

It was visiting day at the mental hospital. All the inmates
were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria"
and singing it beautifully.


Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand
and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.


A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and
then approached the conductor of the choir.

"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is the one
of the best choirs I have ever heard."


"Yes, I am very proud of them," said the conductor.


"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What
are they called?"


"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They
are the Moron Tapanapple Choir."

This Text is from an actual letter from a kid
from Eromanga to Mum and Dad after joining the army.

(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is
a small town west of Quilpie approx 10 hours west of
Brisbane in the far south west of Queensland,
Australia)

If you can 'hear' this with an Aussie accent it
will definitely enhance the flavour ;-)

************************************
Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too.

Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the
Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to
get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first,
because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I
like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before
brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya
uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no
feed to stack nothin'! Blokes haz gotta shave though,
but it's not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and
even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but
there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum
makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that
time all the city boys are buggered because we've been
on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to
the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil
with laughter.

I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why.
The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it
don't move and its not firing back at ya like the
Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their
prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do i
s make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a
piece of pi55!! You don't even load your own
cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't
have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo
shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys
and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's
not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori
and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it
looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've
only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -
he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across
the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and
eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the
other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys
to get in quick before word gets around how good
it is.

Your loving daughter,

Jill

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the Rules when dealing with women.

Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.



Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:

MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY


Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed....................... +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......... .... 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets .................. -1

You leave the toilet seat up . ............... -5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty ............... 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........................ -1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom ....... -2

You go out to buy her a treat ................ .... +5

In the snow ............. +8

But return with beer ..... -5

And no treat ....... -25

You check out a suspicious noise at night ..... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing ........ 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something ..... +5

You pummel it with a six iron ...... +10

It's her cat
............................ -40



AT THE PARTY:

You stay by her side the entire party
.......... +1

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy
........... -2

Named Tiffany
......... -4

Tiffany is a dancer .......
. -10

With breast implants
...... -18


HER BIRTHDAY:

You remember her birthday
....... 0

You buy a card and flowers
....... 0

You take her out to dinner
........ 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar
........ +1

Okay, it is a sports bar
......... -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night ............. -3

It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team.
..................... - 10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go with a pal
............... 0

The pal is happily married
...... +1

The pal is single
....................... -7

He drives a Ferrari
................. -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED
.................. -15


A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie
........ +2

You take her to a movie she likes ........ +4

You take her to a movie you hate
....... +6

You take her to a movie you like
............... -2

It's called Death Cop III
......... -3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans
............ -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans
...... -15


YOUR PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable pot belly
............. -15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it ........ +10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts ...-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too
............. -800


THE BIG QUESTION: She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding

....... -10

You reply, "Where ................ -35

You reply, "No, I think it's your ass" .......... -100

Any other response ................. -20



COMMUNICATION: (When she wants to talk about a problem:)

You listen, displaying a concerned expression .................. 0

You listen, for over 30 minutes ...... +5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience .............. +50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying
well, what do you think I should do
........... -100

You have fallen asleep ........ -200


IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH:

You talk
............... -100

You don't talk
.............. -150

You spend time with her .............. -200

You don't spend time with her ...... -500

You seem to be enjoying yourself ..... -1000


Game Over --YOU LOSE! !

this is an oldie, but
some say it's a goodie-
lets see what you tink



So anyhow, it was a very dark and dreary
night in a small town in Minnesota. A
small
fire started inside the local chemical
plant
and all of a sudden, it exploded into
massive
flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire
departments
from miles around. When the volunteer fire
fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief
and said,
"All of our secret formulas are in the vault
in the
center of the plant. They must be saved.
I will give $50,000 to the fire department
that
brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters
off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called
in
as the situation became desperate. As the
firemen
arrived, the president shouted out that the
offer
was now $100,000 to the fire department who
could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as
another fire truck came into sight. It was
the
nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer
fire company composed mainly of Norwegians
over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down
1938 Ford fire engine, operated by these
Norwegian's, passed all the newer sleek
engines
parked outside the plant...

....and drove straight into the middle of the

inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched
as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and
began to fight the fire with a performance
and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers
had extinguished the fire and saved the
secret
formulas. The grateful chemical company
president
joyfully announced that for such a superhuman
feat
he was upping the reward to $200,000, and
walked
over to personally thank each of the brave,
though
elderly, Norske fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after
capturing the event on film asking, "What are
you
going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole, the 70-year-old fire chief,
"da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat
durn truck!"

WHAT SHOULD I DO IF THE INTERNET GOES DOWN


Every year we grow more and more dependent on the Internet. But would you know what to do if your connection suddenly went down?


No one knows when the Internet will fail. It could happen at any time, leaving you bereft of your e-mail, your sports scores, and your Blogs. Therefore, it's important that you and your family have a contingency plan for just such an emergency. If your connection to Cyberspace were to ever get severed, you should at least be prepared. We have included a few key points that should assist you if that were to happen.

1. Panic!
An excited, agitated state will give you that heightened sense of awareness and will increase your thought processes allowing you to come up with rational solutions. Panic is just nature's way of putting your body into over-drive. It's a defense mechanism that gives you an edge when dealing with potentially harmful situations, such as a severed arm or the loss of your Internet.

2. Find A Telephone
Do you have access to a telephone line? Early computers connected to the Internet using a dial-up device along with a hardware device known as a "modem." Since this technology is obsolete, it will be of no use to you. Instead, use your telephone to call your friends to see if their connection is also down, as you will have lost the ability to send an email or an instant message. You can also use a telephone to call 911, an emergency service that will first tell you to calm down, and then will send out specially-trained technicians to find the source of the Internet's failure.

3. Use Your Back-Up Computer
It's always good to have an emergency laptop handy, in case you need to harry over to a buddy's place where the Net is still up. If there is still no Internet at that location, at the very least you could connect to a small network or LAN (Less-than Adequate Network). Laptops can also be placed on tables at coffeeshops, while you sit around with a latte, nervously waiting for your connection to be restored.

4. Install A Game
In emergency situations, installing a single-player computer game can occupy your down-time. While it won't replace the adrenaline rush of intense networked multiplayer action provided by the Internet, a quick game of Sim City or Flight Simulator may distract you long enough for your connection to return.

5. Perform Routine Maintenance
While programs such as Norton Antivirus have removed most of the tedium of computer system maintenance, nothing could help pass the time faster than cleaning out your hard drive, emptying your cache, or organizing your celebrity fake porn collection. Take the time to stare at your screen while you perform a defragmentation. The time will literally fly while you barely notice your separation from the Internet.

6. Turn On A Television Or Radio
Televisions, strange boxes that sit in your parents' living rooms, were once used to provide entertainment, long before DVDs and Playstations were invented. Televisions have the capability of broadcasting streaming information similar to the content on multimedia websites. With a "remote control," a wireless device that is like a small one-handed keyboard, you may be able to surf a limited number of "channels," while you deal with the loss of your connection. Unfortunately, television is only a one-way media.

In ancient times, radios were also used to entertain. A radio allowed you to listen to news, sports, and music, much the same way that you listen to live streaming audio on a Shoutcast server. Like the television, a radio will only have a limited selection of listening stations, and no video. Hopefully your separation from the Internet will be brief.

7. Read
People in pre-Internet times used to read "books" and "magazines", written materials once created in printable format to pass the time. Some e-books are still available on paper, and may offer a short-term solution until your power is back and your broadband is restored. If reading is not an option, as a last resort, you may wish to try doing "chores," or try your hand at cooking. While these activities cannot replace the Internet, they may be able to make the down-time a little more tolerable.

8. Go Outside
The idea of leaving your workstation may seem a little extreme, but you can perform errands that you normally get parents or spouses to do: grocery shopping, drycleaning, etc. Leaving your dorm room, basement, or above-garage apartment suite, may be risky, but again, the time may afford an effective distraction from your Internet woes. NOTE: Be careful to avoid the sun, because your pasty white skin will not be used to the exposure.

9. Spend Time With Your Spouse
Communicating with your wife or girlfriend may seem like a radical suggestion, but the time investment may offer long-term rewards. Spending any amount of time talking about your "relationship" may free up more Internet time for you later on, when your ADSL or Cable link to the World Wide Web has been restored. WARNING: These will probably be the longest hours of your life.

10. Use Your Emergency AOL Disk
If you find that your connection to the Internet is going to be longer than you can possibly stand, as a last resort, pull out an emergency AOL CD, the one with 910 free hours of connection to the AOL service. Take the CD in one hand...and slash it across your wrist! Suicide will probably be a better alternative than connecting to that service.

Hopefully some of these Internet alternatives will be able to assist you during an offline crisis. Emergency radio broadcasts will likely advise you of the state of the Internet and be able to predict when your bandwidth will be restored, but remember to have an emergency plan in case your digital detachment is longer than you expect.

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY!

Evening classes for men. Starting this month!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents,
each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide
presentation.

Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table
discussion.

Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures
and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and
fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline and support groups.

Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right
place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open
forum.

Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your
health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel
parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises,
meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays,
anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be
late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.


CLASSES FOR WOMEN..


Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses
are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Why the angel is on top of the tree

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree...

All I want for Christmas is...

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Now, her mother couldn't buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl.
'You're getting your Christmas present a week early this year,' her mother explained and handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. 'Is that what you want?'

The little girl, whose name was Kitty, said, 'It's wonderful, mother...just what I wanted. There's just one thing wrong!'
'What's that?' her mother asked.
'Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and a cute little claw on the inside of every paw - but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws!'

Her mother smiled. 'Don't worry, Kitty....when you wake up on Christmas morning you'll find the claws are there.'

Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worried about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn't even a hint, a clue or an inkling of claws in the middle of its paws!

When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her mother and asked again, 'Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its middle claws tomorrow? There's only a few hours to go and there's not a hint or clue or an inkling as to claws as far as I can see!'

'Wait till you wake up on Christmas morning,' her mother smiled and went on stuffing the turkey.

So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. And when she woke up on Christmas morning she ignored the presents in her stocking and rushed downstairs to look at her little kitten.

She was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic.

Kitty rushed to her parent's bedroom. 'Mummy, Mummy! The kitten has grown its middle claws!'

'Of course it has,' her mother grinned.
'But how did you know?' Kitty demanded.
Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, 'Oh, Kitty, everybody knows....that Centre-claws always comes at Christmas!'