pgt:
knock knock
who's there?
panther
panther who?
panther no panth,I goin' yhwimmin'

Knock-Knock Blonde

Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
Because they leave to answer the door.

Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."
At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling, "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two".
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."
You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."
Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
You wire your network with jumper cables.
You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.
Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver.
Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."
Your yard is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.
Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" disk drive.
You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and PCMCIA sockets.
Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.
You only buy from GateWay, 'cause the cow boxes are a hoot.

If you take your laptop to the bathroom instead of a business newspaper or magazine.
If you start calling TV Dinners - PC Dinners.
If you worry that you might get a tumor from being in front
of the computer too long.
If you think a night out on the town is drinking a beer while
hanging out in an Internet cybercafe.
If you get frustrated in waiting rooms because they don't
have any PC-related magazines to read.
you think (x6)+(x4) is a perfectly natural way to multiply by 80.
you've gutted and rebuilt your computer 5 times since you last changed the oil in your car.
you know what a router is, and you know what a bit is, but you've never heard of a router bit.
you know the square root of 65536 is 256 without having to do the math.
you see a good-looking girl and you DESPERATELY want her e-mail address so you can get to know her.
the only tan you've ever acquired comes from your monitor.
when asked if you have more than one hard drive, you answer "In which computer?"
you spend more time changing settings in Windows 98 than using it.
you can actually read the error message details when a Windows program has a problem.
you spend more time chatting on-line in one day then you do in a week's worth of actual conversation with people face-to-face.
when you're reading a magazine and you see an underlined passage, you feel compelled to click on it.
you dream in code.
you can program in more languages than you can speak.
you e-mail yourself notes rather than writing them...

nobleheart: Hey I resemble that joke!

INVENTORAMF:
ant dictionary:
adamant the 1st ant
antigene an ants aunt
antenna another ants aunt
ANTIDORA yet another ants aunt
anthelix an ant rock band
antecedent an ant seeing a banged up car
anteflexion ant exercise
antecurvature barbi ant
antegrade an ants education level
antelocation were an ant lives
antemortem a dead ant?
ASPIRANT another dead ant?
COOLANT a hip ant
COUCHANT an ant that watches TV all day.
DEBUTANT a teenage ant?
Antepar two ants
ABERRANT a naked ant
ANTEDATE a ant rendezvous
ANTELOPE comes after the rendezvous sometimes
ANTHEMED an ant in a dress?
ANTHILLS what ants climb
reliant an ant you can depend on?
ANTIBOSS the queen ant to her friends
anticity were the ants live
ANTICULT hare krisna ants
DOMINANT a dominatrix ant
DEVIANT a prev ant
ETCHANT an ant artist

In school one day, a teacher asked my six-year-old son why his handwriting wasn't as neat as it usually was.

"I'm trying out a new font," he explained.

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN.

This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns.

Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

INVENTORAMF: LOL!

Ogopogo: LMCAO!! that was a good one!

ScarletRose: Thanks Hon! I laughed my ass off too when i heard it!

there was a terrible bus accident,in which,god rest their souls,three nuns found themselves at the gates of heaven.
the angel saint peter told them " to get in,all your have to do is answer a question that proves your faith".
the angel saint peter says to the 1st nun"what did eve take from the tree of knowledge?"
the 1st nun says"an apple?"
"yes,your in" says peter,opening the gate for her.
the angel saint peter says to the 2nd nun"what was the first mans name"
the 2nd nun says"adam?"
"yes,your in"says peter.
the angel saint peter says to the 3rd nun."now you are the mother superior,so for you the question will be a little tougher.
what did eve say,when she first saw adam naked?"
the mothersuperior says" oh,thats real hard one!"
"yes,your in"says peter.

PROOF that Girls are EVIL!

nobleheart:

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know!

ScarletRose: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm interesting

One of the best tattoo's I have seen (or maybe a sticker or paint - but still very funny!)

http://coan.net/bk-smile/cartoons2/post-17-10970508990.jpg

My husband and I were boarding an airplane with our two small children when he commented that it was too bad we weren't flying first class, where we'd have more room for our infant.

"They probably don't allow babies in first class," I said.

"On the contrary," a nearby flight attendant jokingly confided to us.
"ALL our first-class passengers are BABIES."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"

Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, and he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parents' room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to to his father, " I think I understand Politics now."

The father replies, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is."

The boy promptly answers, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble."

Ogopogo: roflmao

Redhead Jokes
How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
Say something
How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds
If you love a Redhead, set her free ...
If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.
What do redheads and McDonald's have in common?
You've never had it so good and so fast.
---
Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful
blonde. First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept with a blonde?"
Second sailor replies that he has.
They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette.
FS: " Have you ever slept with a brunette?"
SS: " Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions."
They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the
other two girls for dead.
FS: " Have you ever slept with a redhead then?" His companion looks at
him and replies "Not a wink!"

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity



What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.



What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.


Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase
cars they have no intention of driving.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.


What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"



What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale
and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."

Just a reminder that children read this board. Thanks :o)

The Queen (of England, Australia, New Zealand, Canada etc. (Elizabeth II)) was touring Austalia and attended a film premiere.
At the end of the movie, all of the people involved in the production of he film were lined up in he foyer of the theatre. As she walked along the line of people she stopped by one man and asked:
"And what part did you play in the produstion?"
"Well, actually, Your Majesty, I was the photographer"
The Queen (remembering the husband of her sister, Margaret (Anthony Armstrong-Jones)) replied:
"How interesting, I have a brother-in-law who's a photographer."
To which the photographer replied:
"Well what a coincidence. I have a brother-in-law who's a queen"

harley: sorry Harley

There used to be a fellowship called..ok, I forgot the name, but it was for dirty jokes that shouldn't be posted here. I believe Nirvana was the big boss. It's gone now, but is there another in it's place? If not, someone let me know and I'll start one.

Thad

Remember Calvin & Hobbs cartoons?

Well here are a series of my FAVORITE!

http://coan.net/bk-smile/6/calvin's.gif

NOTE: Image is VERY TALL - so if your browser reduces images to fit the screen, you may need to click on the image and/or EXPAND the image to make it easier to read.

BIG BAD WOLF: hahaha.. too funny

BIG BAD WOLF: Calvin & Hobbes is/was great. Some of my favorites are here:
http://thad.com/calvin/
and my all-time favorite is this one:
http://thad.com/calvin/ch930919-FAV.gif

Your calvin "Flush" / Bath.

I have an animated gif of that:

http://coan.net/bk-smile/3small/gavin.gif

BIG BAD WOLF: AWESOME!!!

the far side cartoons:
http://www.mikemccandless.com/images/farside/annihilation.gif
http://www.mikemccandless.com/images/farside/early_exp.gif
http://www.mikemccandless.com/images/farside/slugs.gif
http://www.imagrissom.com/images/gallery/farside.jpg
http://www.colby.edu/republicans/humor/humor1.gif
note,this is another democrat joke!!!
PS was there not someone else who drew cartoon with weird humour like the far side?
-----
the cheech wizard cartoons:
http://rocbo.chez.tiscali.fr/illus/bode/img/bode3.jpg
----
?
http://ontheroadwdrevil.home.att.net/Anjomrooz05-20-03.jpg

BIG BAD WOLF:
more calvin favs:
http://www.glue.umd.edu/~vikas/calvin.gif
http://www.dei.unipd.it/~nil/IMG/calvin-move.gif
http://hem.passagen.se/rust29/images/HOBBE/AN_FOOD.GIF
http://www.freewebs.com/calvin_hobbes_home/hungrycalvin.gif
http://tig.mu.nu/archives/calvin.gif
http://www.1polly.nl/polly107/polly107.html

BIG BAD WOLF: Thanks for the good laugh those are some of my faves too. i have about 3 of the Calvin books and I love them lol

One day, a blonde named Sally
was putting together a jigsaw puzzle.


She was really stumped and very frustrated,
so she decided to ask her husband for help.


''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.


''Honey," said her husband,
"Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Wipe that smile off your face.

Usurper: LOL too funny..*wipes the smile off her face*

Usurper: LOL!!

Usurper: hehe

My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.

"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. "I'll give you seventy-five cents for it."

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

find a funny sign or ad,here is mine:
http://www.prosoundweb.com/fun/Photofun/loose.jpg

nobleheart:
http://www.funnysign.com/funnysign_006.htm

nobleheart: or this one is funnier
http://www.funnysign.com/funnysign_113.htm

http://www.humorweb.no/bilder/dip.jpg

http://www.rock103.com/crew/pics/?pow=022805

http://www.funnies.com/osama.htm

Grampa AD: http://coan.net/bk-smile/cartoons/mcsaddam.gif