ScarletRose: LOL! I got to 63 :)

Ogopogo: Wow!! hahaha.. steady hands!! lol

ScarletRose: LOL........ ya.....steady idle hands LOL

I just got 74 meters LOL

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.



When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.



Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED

Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.

Successful applicant must be bilingual.

We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.



A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window,saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

BIG BAD WOLF: I didnt do to good 6 out of 10 lol

BIG BAD WOLF: O got 9/10...fluke.

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

http://homepages.uel.ac.uk/u9807032/useem0003.jpg

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management

1. Britney Spears & Eminem
Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.

2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw
Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America''s Oil Companies
For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates
For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim
For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

7. Jared
Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez
Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her a**.

9. That 300 Pound Guy
Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

10. Glaxo
Who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the d**** it produces.

http://fun.drno.de/flash/BigRedButton.swf

furbster: That button thing is real cool!!!!
Thanks for sharing it!

furbster: OMG someone has way to much time on their hads LMAO

http://www.ajokes.com/jokes/3261.html

http://www.thejokefactory.org/JF_pictures/Pictures_by_date/2001/07_July_01/Fast%20Tide.jpg

This board is read by people of all ages. Please post accordingly. Thank you.

wayney: AHAH, "1" is excellent...

Andre Faria: well in that case, stop reading and start writing !!!!!!!!
hahaha

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

*
George W. Bush not only smiles and waves nicely,
always knows the right thing to say, too !
*
Bush and the Queen at London Heathrow, a 300-foot long red
carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides
to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of
central London where they board an open 17th century coach
hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways
and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets,
all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the
most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast
of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire,
including Bermuda, Tortola and other islands.

It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state
do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen
decides that's ridiculous.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President,
please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that
there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty,
please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you
hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

http://www.near-death.com/images/graphics/hospital/veridical%20operation%20cartoon/if_your_reading_this.jpg

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Yes," said her friend, "My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go!"

When Little Johnny's family moved into a new double wide trailer one of their former neighbors dropped by. Seeing Johnny out front, he asked, "So, how do you like your new place?"

"It's terrific," Little Johnny answered. "I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad."

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

INVENTORAMF: hey,that sounds like a lisp joke...lol..careful no one complains about speech impediment or gay speech style jokes.
---
Q : did you hear about the girl with a lisp that didn't believe in mistakes?
A : to her,every "miss" was a "myth".

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.

I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.

"At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week!"

''I’m getting a divorce,'' said Jack to his mate, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months.''
Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find''

Picture

Summertop: No, here is some baby food:

http://coan.net/bk-smile/7/baby_burger.jpg

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

# R.J. Reynolds, Sr., the founder of RJ Reynolds Tobacco Company, died of pancreatic cancer in 1916 at the age of 67.

# David Millar, the first Marlboro Man, died of complications from emphysema.

# David McLean, another actor who portrayed the Marlboro Man, died of lung cancer in 1995.

whatever you do, don't smoke !!!

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

how about posting for a 3rd time for good luck LOL

JamesHird: is it ok to be smokin' in bed[wink]

<> Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice
> says to Frank, you know,
> we could make a lot of money running our own
> Bungee-jumping service in
> Mexico."
>
> Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool
> their money and buy
> everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord,
> insurance, etc. They
> travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
> As they are constructing
> the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more
> and more people gather
> to watch them at work. When they had finished, there
> was such a crowd they
> thought it would be a good idea to give a
> demonstration.
>
> So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord,
> but when she comes back
> up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and
> scratches. Unfortunately,
> Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again,
> bounces and comes back up
> again.
>
> This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
>
> Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and
> bounces back up. This time
> she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a
> couple of broken bones and is
> almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches
> her this time and says,
> "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
>
> Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee
> cord was fine...It was
> the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?!"

JamesHird:

Didn't realize I posted it twice

go to...

http://www.dvo.com/newsletter/monthly/2004/august/ghost_carad.mpg

that was VERY GOOD
got me

INVENTORAMF: That was not funny! You xxxxxxx!

JackS: how can you say it wasnt funny?
If it gives you a start, then laugh it off.
LOL
It was absolutely hilarious

The moderators worry about words kid's may see, but a person with a weak heart could die from that xxxx.

JackS: LOL
go away Jack if you want to be that weak.
sniff sniff

I for one thought it was hilarious

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)

"Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

you know you always wanted to do this

Hrqls: thanks
That felt good

I have a really good virus program and it cleaned every Windows file off the drive.

It was visiting day at the mental hospital. All the inmates
were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria"
and singing it beautifully.


Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand
and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.


A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and
then approached the conductor of the choir.

"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is the one
of the best choirs I have ever heard."


"Yes, I am very proud of them," said the conductor.


"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What
are they called?"


"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They
are the Moron Tapanapple Choir."