Thats ok :)

Work Genesis

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying,
''It is a crock of s****, and it stinketh.''

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
''It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.''
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
''It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.''
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
''It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.''
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another,
''It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.''
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
''It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.''
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him,
''This new plan will actively promote the growth and
vigor of the company, with powerful effects.''

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.
This is how S**** Happens.

I was walking through wallmart earlier today, when all of the sudden I saw Michael Jackson, I wondered why he would he be here, then I heard the voice on the intercom " welcome shoppers, dont forget, underware is half off in the boys department."

heehee heeheehee!

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find
out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate
operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half
your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be
Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on
the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead
of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient
replied, "No worries, mate!!"

LOL funny one
I have another one.

Q. Why did the English invent Cricket?

A. Just another sport that they can lose to against the Aussies.

Onya Gramps...Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi! Oi! Oi!
:))))))

There is nothing wrong with an Englishman.......

Every family should have at least one :)

Ok ok, we'll give you the cricket! your pretty dam good at that! :)

ouch LOL

was definitely won. since the kicker must have been a mutant,
now plan b - plastic surgeon of jackson plus the kangooroo
well trained as goalkeeper until the next cup - will prevail. :-)

Whats the difference between an Australian and a pig?
Pigs dont turn into Australians when drunk

How do you get an Australian onto a roof?
Tell them the drinks are on the house

What do you call an Australian woman with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant

What did the Australian girls right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing..they never met

Why do Australians men prefer Blondes?
They like the interlectual company

Why do Australians put XXXX on cans of lager?
Because they cant spell beer

What do you call an Australian in a suit?
The defendant

NEWSFLASH An Australian library burnt down at the weekend and 2 books were destroyed

Hey Steve...where on did you unearth those? They are terrible!!! :)

10 ways to tell if a redneck has been working on your computer...

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Hey, I my gun rack is on the side of my desk...

<<This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who
>
>knows nothing and cares less makes your life miserable. ~~~~~~~
>A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
>Rome
>with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
>responded,
>"Rome?
>Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of
>Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
>"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
>"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
>Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
>always
>late.
>So, where are you staying in Rome?
> "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
>called Teste."
>"Don't go any further." I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to
>be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst
>hotel
> in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're
>overpriced.
> So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
> "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
> "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
>
> trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
>this
> lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
> A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
> asked her about her trip to Rome.
> "It was wonderful," exclaimed the woman, "not only were we on time in
> one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they
>bumped us up to first class.
>"The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
> steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd
>just
> finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest
> hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and
>gave us
> their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
> "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
>
> you didn't get to see the Pope."
> "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
> Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes
>to
> meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
>private Suite.
>Later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
> down and he spoke a few words to me."
> "Oh, really! What'd he say?"
> He said, "Where'd you get the s***ty hairdo?"

LMAO

Ouch LOL

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat, pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied as she thought to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Well, you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!
--

lol@Steve R KM!!

Hey the Aussies must still be sore after the weekend, so lets leave them alone again...like on another convict colony island thousands of miles away from from nowhere!

;-)

Sorry Linda..an old joke

only positive comments on jokes please or, group-solidarity of silence. all jokes are old.

That's ok Skyking,so sorry you heard my joke before.I just wasn't aware of the fact that I had to pass them by you 1st.

I too sometimes read jokes I've heard before,in fact I sit back and let others enjoy them that might not have heard them before.Imagine that.....

Same with my joke a while ago. Someone already told it and I got the joke in email and I never scrolled down a ways to see it was already there. Please don't make me out to be a bad person taurec, please

who's on the jokes site can't be entirely bad. hehehe!

Just that twice I got debated or yelled at about something I was doing onthese discusions wrong

I ain't yelling.If I post a joke that's already been posted I chalk it up to Old timers sometimes referred to as Alzheimers.

if you'd ask me to call you an ambulance?

An Australian dies and is sent to hell. He had been a horrible man throughout life and even the devil wanted to punish him, so he puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. "Love my kingdom!" laughs the devil.
After a couple of days the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as he looks at the Aussie happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"
The Aussie, smiling big, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of January in Australia. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Aussies remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Aussie is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.
Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The Aussie replies, "This is great! Just like April in Darwin. It reminds me of working out in the fields with spring planting!"
The devil is now completely baffled. Angry, and desperate to make hell really hell, he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the Australian unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is aghast at what he sees. The Aussie is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero!?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down the Aussie throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Wallabies won the World Cup!!!"

Because I'm a man,
when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long
after hypothermia has set in.
----------------

Because I'm a man,
when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us
will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with
all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We
will then drink beer.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do,
so for you this isn't a problem.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or
bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For
all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances,
expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a
euphemism.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart,
despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair
person gets here and has to put it back together.
-------------------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If
the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it
(although one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and
ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the
hell could he know where we're going?
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always
either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when
you ask, so don't ask.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or
talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And
don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying
at the end of it, I didn't.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five
minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or
without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
now?
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally in the
housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
----------------------------------------------
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the
Male

what does Oscar Myer and Michale Jackson have in common

They both have a history ov putting 45 year old meat into 12 Year old Buns

<A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad

> attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was
> rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the
> bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music
> and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
> Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
> back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
> John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
> freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
> suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
> Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
> The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
> believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely
> remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
> everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
> John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
> ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird
> continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

ROFLMAO

Why does Prince Charles not use bookmarks?

Because he is used to bending over pages! ;)

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the
following carefully.......
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

ROFL

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled
down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their 60th wedding
anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they
hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had
carved "I love you, Sally."



On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored
car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't
know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the
money, and it's $50,000.



The husband says, "We've got to give it back."



She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and
hides it up in their attic.



The next day, 2 FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me,
but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car
yesterday?"



She says, "No."



The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."



She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."



But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says,
"Tell us the story from the beginning."



The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday..."



The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here...

LMAO

Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game.
At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians
buy only a single ticket.
"How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket? " asks an
American. "Watch and you'll see, " answers a Canadian. They all board the train.
The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom
and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please. " The door opens
just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it
and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip
and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket? " asks one perplexed American.
"Watch and you'll see, " answers a Canadian.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and
the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train
leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the
bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door, and says,
"Ticket,please. "
SMART FOLKS, US CANADIANS eh?

rofl...yep, we sure are! :-)

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think, frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl...
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

The Cuisine Mysteries of jasniepanicz.

Hot potatoes spread with a curdled milk – polish name “Ziemniaki Bryzgane”

Today, I have the pleasure of offering you an old ukrainian recipe, which has been very popular in eastern regions of Poland until present times.

Ingredients (for one ukrainian farmer or a standard family):

• 2 kgs of yellow potatoes
• 1 l. (or more) of , 4 days old, curdled milk
• one share of ordinary toothpaste
• a glass of water (not too cold)
• salt and pepper according to individual taste

Recipe:

Please, boil 2 kgs of yellow potatoes (put a teaspoon of salt into a boiling water and wait until potatoes are soft –around 20 minutes).

Then, go to the bathroom and clean your teeth with ordinary toothpaste (please, use a glass of, not too cold, water to leave your mouth clean). Warning: If you don’t posses your own teeth you should take out the prothesis to leave your mouth empty !!!.

Now, please, put the potatoes in a wooden bowl. Then pour a full glass of curdled milk to your clean mouth and spread it out firmly on yellow potatoes (the amount of curdled milk depends of your individual taste, only). The milk shouldn’t cover potatoes to avoid a souplike consistency

The cunsumption of plums and other fresh fruits not recommended for up to 24 hours following this dish.

Bon apetit!

Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get s***y ideas from.

LOL

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

                370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service ... the list got longer and longer. Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moshe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down...

Excellent LOL

nice one!!! :-) lol

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

'Can you smell carrots?'


lol! the simple ones are the best!!

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."