One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is 4136"

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"

Two Blondes' walked into a bar.

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it!

A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads:

"Here lies Shirley, wife of Sam Johnson, LLD, Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigration Legal Services"

Suddenly, Sam bursts into tears. His brother says, "You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone!"

Through his tears, Sam sobs, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"

If Wile E. Coyote could afford all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

TarantinoFan: He's a sales rep for ACME - those are his demo samples that he's using.

So this guy wakes up one morning and he sees a gorilla in the tree in his yard. He doesn't know what to do about this so he looks through the phonebook and lo-and-behold there is a gorilla removal service listed. He dials the number and a gruff sounding guy answers. The man explains his situation and the gorilla remover on the phone asks "Can you tell if the gorilla is a boy or a girl". The man looks out the window and then replies "looks like its a boy". "Great", the guy on the phone says, "I'll be over in 15 minutes".

The gorilla remover arrives and is unpacking his truck. He takes out a stick, a pair of handcuffs, a chihuahua and a shotgun. The customer says "What's this gear for?". The remover says "well, I'm climb that tree and beat the gorilla with this stick. He's gonna hit the ground and be stunned and that's when I need you to run over and throw these handcuffs on him. Next this trained chihuahua here is gonna bite the gorilla's balls and then we've got him." "okay I think I got all that but what's the shotgun for?" the customer asks. "Well" the remover says, "if the gorilla knocks me out of the tree first, you shoot that chihuahua".

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while



they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly

jumped into the deep end! He sank to the bottom of the pool and

stayed there!



Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled

Jim out and brought him to his room.



When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she

immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital

because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.



She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad

news", The good news is that you're being discharged because you

responded so rationally to a crisis! By jumping in the pool to save

the life of another patient, you displayed sound mindedness. The

bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his

bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so

sorry, but he's dead.



Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

A 3rd grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mum noticed this. Mum asked, "What makes you so happy today?" The girl said, "Mum, we learned how to make babies in school today!"

Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.

"It's easy, Mum -- you just drop the y, and add ies," the daughter said.

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge-- into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the in- evitable answer.

"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."

"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."

ScarletRose: gotta love ScarletRose's warped sense of humour.

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"

A man's in at the Doctor's office awaiting his Doctor's return.

After awhile the Doctor enters the room and tells the man "I have bad news and even worse news for you."

The man takes a hard gulp and tells the doctor to give him the bad news.

"the bad news," the doctors replies, "Is that your condition is terminal and you only have 24 hours to live."

"My God" gasped the man. "What could possibly be the even worse news?"

The Doc then states, "We have been trying to get a hold of you since yesterday."

ANTIQUE = an old ant
ANCIENT = a really old ant
ETCHANT = an ant artist
ELEGANT = Foxy Lady
ENCHANT = ScarletRose
GALLANT = nobleheart
VAGRANT = a hobo ant
DEVIANT = ArtfulDodger ( just kidding)
MUTANT = clay ( just kidding)
PEASANT = a poor ant
CANTEEN = were ants eat
SEXTANT = no comment
reliant = an ant you can depend on
adamant = the 1st ant
debutant= a girl ant
bouyant = a boy ant
submergant = a skin diving ant

nobleheart: hahaha

ScarletRose: Dang is he conceded or what??? hehehe He called himself GALLANT!

I love my job!

I love my job. I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location. I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers. I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and its software" I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file; I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work. I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today, in clean white coats to take me away!!!!!

A man from a small village in Africa was in New York City, to attend a business meeting.

While he was waiting in the lobby of the office building, he saw a middle-aged woman approach a set of double doors and press a button next to them. Soon the doors slid open, and the woman walked through. Then the doors closed. A minute later, the doors opened again, and a young woman stepped out.

"We need a device like that for our village," said the African visitor to himself.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a
vacuum cleaner.

" Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple
of minutes of your time,

I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and
she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen
my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite.............................

















because they cut off my electricity this morning."

After the flood, Noah sent the animals off the ark telling each couple to "go forth and multiply". Later, he came across two snakes. "I thought I told you to go forth and multiply." One of the snakes replied, "We're sorry but we can't. You see we're adders."

---

The carpenters worked well together because they were on the same level.

Horses have six legs because they have forelegs in front and two legs behind.

The violinist visited the doctor because he was high-strung.

---

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"

JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

---

A lot of trees were dying, but they needed to figure out the root of the problem.

If your nose runs and your feet smell, do you know what is the matter with you? You are built upside down.

My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.

Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!"

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?"

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"

"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

does anyone remember the UK comedy "father ted"
here is his search engine:
http://www.doogle.org/
-
elmer fudd's search engine
http://www.google.com/intl/xx-elmer/
------
does anyone know any more?please share

I just had to remove a post with links that had unsuitable material.

Please check your post containingg links before you place them here.

Remember this site is Family oriented.

Thanks Clay

nobleheart: Love 'em!!! :oD

http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/146608/2/Mrs_Crack_in_the_Bum.jpg

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

The body of any organization has four bones:

1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;

2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;

3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;

4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.

The body of any organization has four bones:

1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;

2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;

3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;

4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.

Some organisations have these additional bones:

Funny bone: The office joker who spends more time downloading and forwarding jokey emails than on work.

Shoulder bones: They can be found in the complaints department.

Hip bones: Young and flash, usually in Sales and Marketing.

Lazy bones: Redundant bones found throughout the organisation.

"Bones": Part of a certain trio on the screen saver of the Trekkie in the postroom.

There are three kinds of people in the world.

Those that can count, and
Those that cannot.

ClayNashvilleTn: hahaha..

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

INVENTORAMF: Lolol.

Your whole series is much appreciated Alan. Thanks from me and the silent majority.

playBunny: What would we do w/o him! He keeps the board full of good family type jokes! Thanks as well Allen!

playBunny:
You're welcome

ClayNashvilleTn:
You're welcome

Why on Earth do we close our eyes when we sneeze?
Probably because we don't want to see who our saliva hits.

Why on Earth do our parents boss us around?
Probably because they don't want us to boss them around and get embarrased.

Why do we have homework?
The teachers don't want to get in trouble for not giving you any.

Why did I write this joke?
Because I'm totally bored and I just sneezed when my mother told me to do
my homework.

Tim: What's Life?
Jim: It is a cereal.
Tim: How much does it cost?
Jim: It costs $2.50
Tim: But I only have $2.25
Jim: That's life.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing the inefficient "th" with "z" and shortening "w" to "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Sorry all
That last thing I jusy put here was not intended to go here.
I'll keep sending the jokes tho

INVENTORAMF: it looks like it fits in rather nicely to me!!

tazman7474: hmmmmmmmmm I thought the same. Maybe we missed something?

ClayNashvilleTn: alan is a pawn and can't delete posts!

ClayNashvilleTn:
I wasn't trying to delete it...just appologize for it