Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told
him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner
and before I k new it, I had consumed t three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for ta king so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner
guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yoyudax:

yoyudax:

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"

yoyudax: thats great very good.now if you`d just pull my finger . ah thank you. M

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I golf."

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle, named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies and, before long, he discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up-stream and walked across the bridge.

 Stardust:

After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said,"Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now,we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofabed.

I shut up and took out the trash.

Stardust: Was the counselor male or female?

Jim Dandy: I wasn't privy to such a detail but an answer to your query would certainly determine 'how' funny the joke was

Stardust: What's a map? ;-)

Thad: and you can bet she wouldn't mind asking for directions had there been anyone nearby

Stardust:It actually works either way

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the 10 commandments with her 3rd grade class....she didn't want to go into a discussion about the commandment about not committing adultery, so she skipped that one....one girl spoke up and said that she knew what that one was. She said, "though shall not admit adultery"

a blonde goes into a bank in New York City. She asks for a 150,000 loan and wants to leave her rolls royce as collateral. They agree and give her the loan. She returns a week later with the 150,000 plus 15.00 interest. The loan officer says to her, "we checked you out while you were gone and had more than enough money, why did you need the loan?" She replied, "where else can you park your car for a week in the city and only pay 15.00?"

Here in Quebec, Canada and in certain other areas of the globe I have noticed that cute little kitty cats have a strong interest in talking with other kitty cats by means of Messenger. this was a mysterious phenonymon for quite some time. Than it dawned on me. And sure enough. the French word for "cats" is "chats"!

Gentlegiant101: Thanks for clearing up this mystery for me! I had never figured out why english speakers want to cat to each other.

rabbitoid:And I never figured out why French people write so many letters in a word but don't read almost half of them! 

King Reza: Oh, that's just to confuse the tourists. Is farsi phonetic?

rabbitoid:I'll answer you in a message.

yoyudax: At least you weren't on CANDID CAMERA!

rabbitoid: Many English speaking people, here in North America anyways, pride themselves on being "COOL CATS" That may be the reason for them talking "cat"!

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Well, if your feet smell and your nose runs than you are one that can be viewed as upside down. I can't help but wonder how many people around the globe are using their runny nose to see if their feet smell!
The question is how many are proud to be upside down and are ready to flaunt it?

The elephant to the naked man: - Awww, how cute, can you pick up peanuts with that?

I went to the cash machine this morning and this little old lady asked me if i could check her balance, so i pushed her over......

Gentlegiant101: as much as I might like to take credit for that story...I am not the woman who fell in love and had to choose between baked beans and her sweetheart...lol.

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about.:

Can you cry under water?






How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?






Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?






Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes your family picked out to bury you in for eternity?






Why does a round pizza come in a square box?






What disease did cured ham actually have?






How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?






Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?






If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?






Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?






Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?






Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.






Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?






Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?






If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?






If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?






Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?






Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs in Disney!






If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why didn't he just buy himself some dinner?






If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?






If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?






Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?






Why did you just try singing the two songs above?






Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Summertop: nothin,like a wry wit mook53lhd

Skyking:round pizzas in square boxes because square pizzas don't fit in round boxes!
Morality from morons? Depends on what constitutes the morality in question. I may write mor....on that on another occasion! Thanks for your patients. I hope they get well real soon!
Can you cry under water? I sincerely can't answer that question. Nothing is stopping you from having a whale of a time trying to find out however!
Though the professor on Gilligan's Island was a very knowledgable man he wanted to keep the boat: hole and intact.
P.S. The boat, the S.S. Minnow is up for sale. It has been restored,not by a professor, and it is up for sale. The person selling it lives in Canada. And the hole is gone! Yes this post script leans towards perversion because there is nothing in it that constitutes comedy.

But lets'get funny. Not wanting one's two cents worth leads one to ask where the other penny went to? If I knew I might go and meet her and make her aquaintance. Things can get lonely here at times. Maybe that Penny would make a difference....if she isn't taken. She is probably an employee of the Federal government!
If I didn't answer all of your questions tell me and I'll complete the list of answers required.
In the meantime don't worry if your mind draws a blank. I was lousy at drawing and couldn't draw a gun to save my life!

Gentlegiant101: Very inlightening LOL

A robber about to steal a TV hears, "Jesus is watching." He pauses, sees nothing, continues and hears again, "Jesus is watching." Spying a parroot in the corner the robber asks, "Who are you?" "Clarence," replied the bird. Almost to himself the robber asks "Who would name a parrot Clarence?" To which the bird replied, "The same guy who would name a Rottweiler Jesus

(dumb blonde !)

Three women go to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Michigan and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

Nirvana:

 Universal Eyes:

Well, I don't know of any English jokes, but I'll translate one into English and see what'll happen:

A man sees his young friend on the street wearing black from tip to toe.  So he asks: "Oh, what's the matter?  Why are you wearing all black?"

He answers: "Ahh, nothing.  My father just died.  I'm coming back from the funeral."

"Then why are your pants torn?" his friend asks again.

"Well, poor dady, God rest his soul, wouldn't let us bury him."

Universal Eyes: Yuk LOL

King Reza: Great! Please translate some more!

The Listener: i`m sorry of all my phone capers,i never thought of that . but-- we'd get togethor when we were teens & make prank calls. i'd say hi i'm joe blaugh from the utility co. we've been getting complaints from your sector of brownouts etc. has your place been hit .then they get nervous,. expecting their house to go dark. i go on .then tell them that sometimes the st. lamps can short things out. i go through how & why etc. finally .oh its pouring rain when i did this 1. i ask them where their nearest lamppost is .i know they can't see it from the window as i live across the st. so i say listen . you don't want your grid to get hit & ruin your food,no tv etc go outside & tell me if your lampost is on or off. no cordless phones then. so the guys outside in the rain with the phone. he says his cord won't reach. i said i need you to put the phone down get over where you can see ,come back & report if its on or off from my window we see the guy doing this.he comes back drenched out of breadth. i say so which is it?. he says gee i hope its ok its on. i reply no it ain't blow it out %^*&%$$#(i know the kids). cruel yes deranged yes. but we didn't have gameboxes or cell phones to dally with .capers also were a rite of passage. i had a phone for awhile .i could stick a mike or recorder on the phone & record the happenings to put in the next time capsule. hope you found the story amusing, as every 1 of us has some caperman or women in them. i'm sure most of you ---baby boomers for sure can relate mook53lhd

mook53lhd: That must have been before caller id, also. I used to get TONS of prank calls. Kids would call... I would get the phone number off the caller id, do a reverse lookup (to get the address). Then call them back and say, "Do you know, I know where you live? You live at...". Invariably the line would go dead! then I would have a good

Summertop: yes it was just when phone calls rose to a dime. sometimes we'd send tons of food to one of the stores & watch the fun.we only did that to merchants who weren't kid friendly. mook53lhd

mook53lhd: So you're the guy who got a half ton of manure dumped on my pesky neighbours front yard. LOL

Two men were golfing one day. When they got to the 12th tee, it was right next to a road. It was a busy day at the course, so they had to wait to tee off. While they were waiting for their turn, a funeral procession comes down the road. As soon as it gets there, the first golfer stands up and places his hat over his heart. He stands there like that until the funeral procession passes. The second golfer comments, "That was sure nice of you!". The first one replies, "It was the least I could do for my Wife".

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."


He never heard the shot....