Walter Montego: i cant even imagine how many people have intentions to reply to this topic.... i tried yesterday....

I know I have to look up this word in a dictionary. As soon as I will, I'll reply to the post.

Procrastinators Unite!!!!!!

tomorrow....

I've got a really good joke, but I'll post it next week.

Why, Why,
Why

do
we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?


Why
do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough
money?

Why
does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check
when you say the paint is wet?

Why
doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why
do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?


Why
doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why
does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver
at him?

Why
do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose
idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If
people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


Why
is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always
white?

Is
there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


Why
do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to
eat will have materialized?

Why
do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one
more chance?

Why
is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first
try?

How
do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?


When
we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then
apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all
right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"


Why
is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something else over?


In
winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?

How
come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And
my FAVORITE......
The
statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from
some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're
okay, then it's you.

Skyking:
Something I've always wondered about is:

Why does a drive up ATM machine have Braille dots on the driver's side?

Walter Montego:

Actually, if you were to have a blind person as a passenger and went through the atm backwards, they could use the machine, what I always wondered was how do they know what the screen says? lol

Walter Montego: Acutally a person from the back seat can also use the atm. And a person doesn't have to be completely blind to make use of the braille system.

Stardust: Ooh, Leave it to me to not even think of the backseat!

Please..Please Play nice LOL

Stardust: so why would the driver with no visual impairment force their not so blessed back seat passenger to use the braille system instead of being a good sport and doing the deed themselves?

redfrog: Not many things are more sacred than your pin number

PLUS the reason the drive up ATM would have braille on the keys is that it is more cost efficient to only make one set of keys. NOT braille keys and non-braille keys.

LOL.. we have really ripped this joke to pieces!

Someone post something funny!

rod03801:



something funny


(as requested)

Finally, a definition of globalization









Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?





Answer: Princess

Diana's death.





Question: How come?





Answer:

An English princess with

an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French

tunnel, driving a

German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.



This is sent to you by

a Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese

chips, and a

Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian

lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....





That, my friends, is Globalization!

> pin number

Calling it a PIN number is being redundantly redundant.

Thad: Same as when wrote "ATM machine" down below.

ATM = Automatic Teller Machine

So saying "ATM Machine" is like saying Automatic Teller Machine Machine

coan.net: Yeah, but if I had mentioned that too I probable would have been considered a jerk and I decided I'd rather not mention it then be a jerk.

Need help with your math homework? Just call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

Thad: I can't get through - the number is always busy!

Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8
hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it
had tax, insurance and the radio was still in
it. 

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer,then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Stardust: Earl has a point

Jim Dandy: 

hello all..glad to be back in action. hope ev1 is doing great these days. and i am going to do all i can not to go poof again lol. so...anyone have any good redneck jokes these days hehehe

PrincessKammy72: It is great to have you back and I know you will not go poof unless you have to.

PrincessKammy72: Redneck jokes?

From foxworthy...
If you refer to the fifth grade as "Your Senior Year"...you might be a redneck
If you walk INTO a restaurant with a toothpick in your mouth...you might be a redneck
If you call your boss, "Dude"...
If your family tree does not fork...

Unknown Author...
If your T.V. that works sits ON TOP OF your T.V. that doesn't work...you might be a redneck.

How do you know the Toothbrush was invented in Arkansas? If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a Teethbrush.

Summertop: ROFL!!!!

Summertop: Foxworthy rules! Princess loves him! LOL

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

Jim Dandy: 

LOL tat is absolutely wonderful

Purple: yes my dear you know me so well. i do love his jokes.

Jim Dandy:

Sensational !

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars, and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.
"The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine!"

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way....
So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A blond was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART???

WAL-MART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

groan@coan.net

what do you call a pig that does karate? A porkchop

groan

Eriisa: whoa - that was almost exactly a 1 month delayed groan! lol

redfrog: Well at least he got the joke. I still don't get it

pgt: + = porkchop!!!!

redfrog: I got that! Is that all? I just thought there must be something more subtle to it.

pgt: well maybe there is - or maybe its just a good old pun - well deserving of the "groan"

redfrog:
The original riddle: groan
The explanation : GROAN

Walter Montego: