A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "How about a drink?" The bartender says, "Sure, the toilet is right down the hall."

Tuesday: I think it was written by Reince Priebus

The Col:

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian"


Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over every body."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
Have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and how to avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f****ing widow."

Tuesday:

Not exactly a joke,but it made me giggle. This year we will experience 4 unusual dates....

1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ....



NOW



Take the last 2 digits of the year you were born

Add the age you will be on your birthday in 2011.



IT WILL EQUAL 111.......

Carl: Oh yes, funny !

Carl: not if i was born in this millenium! then the sum is 11 :p

An Indian goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38.

The Jew, known for his skills as businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge R50.00 for them.

The Indian buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him R60.00 each.

The Indian returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for R75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Indian, please tell me:
What do you with all these black bras?


The Indian answers: ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves as skull caps to the Jews for R400.00 each.

A director and his aide of an insane asylum decided to take a few of his so called residents (crazies) to a baseball game.
Every day for about a week before the game, he took them aside and instructed them what to say, what to do and how to behave so nothing would go wrong.
Finally the day comes and they go to the baseball game.
They are about to sing the national anthym and the director says, "UP NUTS."
They all stand for the national anthym.
When it's over, he says, "DOWN NUTS." and they all sit down.
Later in the game, a home team player hits a home run. The director says, "CHEER NUTS" and they all start clapping and yelling just like all the other fans.
Later on, an umpire makes a bad call against the home team and he says, "BOO NUTS" and they all start booing the umpire.
Everything is going good so the director decides to get some refreshments. On the way back with the refreshments, he sees a big riot has broken out. The police and security are there and all the fans around them are yelling and screaming.
He goes over to his aide and asks, "What happened?"
The aide says, "Every thing was going fine until this guy walked by and started yelling, "PEANUTS."

skinny18: lol

Chow Mein: What the lion said before getting a haircut.

Fast Food: When the lion pursues the antelope.

A 3-legged dog walks into a bar. He says, "I'm here to find the man who shot my paw."


*crickets*

An old dying man wants to be buried with his money. He tells to his priest, his doctor and his lawyer :
- I put 30 000 $ in your hand ; I trust you to put this money in my coffin when I'll be dead.

In the funeral, every man puts an envelope in the coffin. Suddenly, the priest sobs and confesses :
- I put only 20 000 $ in the envelope because I needed 10 000 $ to repair the roof of the church.
- Well, because we are between reliable people, says the doctor. I put only 10 000 $ in the envelope because we needed a new machine with X-rays for the hospital.
The lawyer answers :
- I am ashamed of you two. I put all the money in the coffin : I put a check of the totality 30000 $.

Clark Kent: I'm glad that I managed to complete my report on the bank robbery, with 2 hours to spare before our paper's deadline.
Jimmy Olsen: That's super, man!
Clark Kent: Please, Jimmy, not so loud. I don't want everyone to know.

A man is boasting to his friends, saying that last night his wife was on her knees and begging him. His friends, in awe, pleaded with him to tell them what she said. So he told them.

She said "Come out from under the bed and fight like a man!"

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?

WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

A priest sees a man kneeling at a tombstone, weeping and wailing, and crying out "Oh, why did you have to leave me?"

Overwhelmed with compassion, the priest walks over to the man to try and comfort him. He asks "Who are mourning for, my son?"

The man replies, "My wifes first husband."

Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "Wow it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

Sarah:

Jokes are the closet friend of human's life.

A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"



"Sand," answers Juan, to which the guard replies, "We'll just see about that..."



The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand. Finally, the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.



The next day, the same thing happens - Juan approaches the border on his bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard asks him, "What have you got?" and Juan replies, "Sand." Again the guard does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border.



This sequence is repeated every day for several months until finally the guard is sitting in a Cantina in Mexico and Juan walks in.



"Hey, Buddy," says the guard to Juan, "I know you're smuggling something... It's been driving me crazy. It's all I think about! I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"



Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."

skipinnz: lol

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he could do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.

So Mr. Smith wanted to prove that this 'miracle doctor' to isn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!", thinking now he got the doctor.

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the town.

dams: very funny.

crosseyed: Thanks :)

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The US Navy has unfortunately debunked this urban legend. Sadly, it never happened.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went...then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. But I never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood. But it was a type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period !

Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca Cola factory: I hope there’s no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn’t like my beard at first...then it grew on me.

How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it is hungry? It goes back for seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger….And then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

-------- Later additions -----------

Should you ever need an ark, I Noah guy.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

Does that joke apply to your native India?

dams:

lol x infinity

The Col: It certainly does!

ketchuplover: Thanks :)

...said "please wiggle handel." Underneath that, in different ink and handwriting, someone had scrawled "If I do, will it wiggle bach?"

A teacher breaks a traffic red light. Cop accosts her.

"Occupation, ma'am?"

Teacher: "Please let me go, I am a teacher."

Cop: "Ooh I've waited for this moment the whole year since I joined my job. Ok, write 10000 times, 'I SHALL NEVER VIOLATE A TRAFFIC SIGNAL AGAIN'!"

PS: This is very pertinent to India :-D

Cop catches woman speeding.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: My officer also claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, I'm very sorry indeed for the trouble. You see, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying b****d told you I was speeding too!

Two Irishmen flew to NZ on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the bush for a week hunting deer.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 deer.



The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”



Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.



The plane took off.



However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.



Somehow, surrounded by the deer bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.



After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”



Mick replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

Mr Sen found their phone bill at home was exceptionally high. He called a family meeting to discuss...

Mr Sen: "This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone".

Wife: "Me too. I hardly use home phone."

Son: I use my office mobile; I never use the home phone.

All of them looked at the Sangeeta, the maid, who was patiently listening to them.

Sangeeta: "What? So we all use our work phones. What’s the Big deal?”

A farmhand went to church one Sunday, but when he entered he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the farmhand if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

"Well," said the farmhand, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd still feed him."

So the minister began his sermon. An hour passed, then two hours, then two and a half hours.

Finally the preacher finished and asked the farmhand whether he had enjoyed the sermon.

"Well," said the farmhand, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

Haridaspal:

Haridaspal: Watch out bhai, Sangeeta the maid is now under Uncle Sam's protection. Just joking :)

dams: :D

A man was surprised to see his beautiful divorced neighbour knocking on his door one Friday evening.

"I'm feeling so lonely that I can't stand it." she said.

"I want to go out, get drunk & want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?"

"O Yes!" he replied enthusiastically.

"Wonderful." she said. "Would you watch my kids?"