He most probably went to the lake, where he drank the whiskey!

So that's why he wants to know the volume of the lake: to put out the motel fire :)

How To Be A Good Republican
By: Ann Richards (former Democratic Governor of Texas)

1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was
due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's
gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

2. You have to believe that those
privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs,
but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with
lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

6. You have to believe ... everything Rush Limbaugh says.

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and
hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death
penalty.

9. You have to believe society is colorblind and growing up black in America
doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

13. You have to believe speaking a few
Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company,
corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus
shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with
providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and
failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher

Lake: more or less correct. Pour a known quantity of a measurable concentrated substance in. Measure results at later date.
Hotel: Keep on trying..(if he owned it he most definately would not have been bankrupt)

*
How to be a good Democrat:

1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders
how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more
of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and
North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical,
documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression, and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony
activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem
is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the
Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important
to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E.Lee, and Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are
racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and really a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked
anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail,
but a liar and sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag,
transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected,
and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the
Chinese government is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

21. You have to believe that this letter is part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.

If his insurance wasn't up to date he might have been!

Bankrupt...His credit cards were declined when he tried to check in...LOL

If he had money he would have called a tow truck and not pushed the car himself .

No credit cards or tow trucks not in this game. There is a battleship,boot, thimble and cannon as well as some other things.....

bankrupt: he is playing monopoly

correct.

I guess that makes me not a Puggo nor a Deeli -- yay -- Viva La Perception ! :D

A frog in red trunks, sitting in the gras near the lake, mumbles, "I'm God - I'm God ..."
A stallion passing shakes his head in disbelief, but bites his tongue and goes his way ...
Next day and the following ones the same - the frog sitting there, "I'm God I'm God ..."
The stallion decides he must know the reason for that strange behaviour and closes up,

"Hey Frog - you are not God !"

"I'm God I'm God."

"Argh !! Now listen carefully - see, you are a definitely frog, god not - you are green,
have long leapy legs, a big quackmouth, you're better going to face it, you are a FROG."

"Hey Stallion, come a bit closer yet."

The frog stretches his pants a bit to grant a short glance, upon which the stallion exclaims,

"Oh my GOD !!!"

* Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
* One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
* The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
* If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman
around to hear him...is he still wrong?
* If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered
a hostage situation?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean
them?
* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
* Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
* Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
* Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
* Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
* Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
* If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't
the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
* Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Read what the REAL George Carlin has to say about notoriously false e-mails and posts going around on the Internet...

          "Don't Blame Me"

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this".

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her

A panda bear walks into a restaurant.
The waiter seats the panda bear and gives him a menu. The panda bear
orders a ton of food and then sits back happy. Later, the waiter comes over and brings him his bill.
The panda bear gets up and shoots the waiter with a gun.
As he's leaving the restaurant, the manager comes running after him and says, "I treated you well, fed you well, why did you shoot my waiter?
The panda bear says,
" Didn't you know that's what panda bears do?
The manager is dumbfounded and says "What are you talking about?"
The panda bear says,
" Go look up in an encyclopedia what panda bears do."
The manager gets an encyclopedia and looks up 'panda bears'. It says: Lives in Asia...eats shoots and leaves.

Is my Geoge Carlin Joke a fake, SOLUS?

Martha's Way  
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine's Way  
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet  up eating it, anyway! 
Martha's Way  
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine's Way  
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. 
Martha's Way   
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake
Maxine's Way  
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you. 
Martha's Way   
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Maxine's Way  
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!" 
 Martha's Way  
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine's Way  
Celery? Never heard of it!
Martha's Way  
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine's Way  
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
Martha's Way  
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way  
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
Martha's Way  
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine's Way  
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
Martha's Way  
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. 
Maxine's Way  
Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO !!!!!.

I like Mavine's way and maybe Martha will do all the washing and cooking at Alderson "Camp Cupcake"

I'm glad you know who Maxine is skip LOL

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC ?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Buddhist explanation:
If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has
been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character.
Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers,
numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:
Who cares ? It doesn't really matter if they're on
the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation:
All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to
straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably
see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation:
Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor,
who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood,
then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

The Christian Church's approach to characters:
The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the
light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins.
Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words,
such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."

Dave Barry's explanation:
The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're
made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable,
while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

IBM's explanation:
The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when
they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to
de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
You've been DELETING them ??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING ???
Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig !!!!

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows them a picture, then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses!"

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses.

Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

atheism is a non prophet organization

i spilled spot remover on my dog. now she's gone

i planted some birdseed yesterday. today a bird grew. i dont know what to feed him

YOU are driving a bus.Six people get on,three get off,then eight get on and 10 more get off,then six people get off and two more get on.What colour are the driver's eyes ?

How can you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word?-- There is only one answer.

just sec, let me go look in the mirror...

I've got it! But I'll PM ya, honcho, so others can play. ;-)

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU... I WILL MAKE YOU
ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN and GROAN. I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR
MERCY... BEG FOR ME TO STOP. I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU
WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH
YOU.
AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.
ALL MY LOVE,
THE FLU
Now get your mind out of the gutter...and GO GET YOUR FLU
SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's just not funny :) Informative, perhaps, a fine idea, maybe, but as a joke, way off the mark.

Say, did ya hear about the guy who lost his left side? He's alright now!

That's OK I suspected this reaction..Dano wasn't here to stop me lol

I have a touch of flu right now, so I found it amusing :o) Luckily everyones sense of humour is different.

What precisely are you insinuating Skyking? I'm not an amoeba :b

An amoeba is a term for someone who makes less than desirable retorts about someone behind their back and can't tell one paramecium from another :P

From the Cat about the Dog

To: Large Human Resident of My Home
From: Her Royal Highness, Princess Feline
Subject: The burdens I must bear

You are my most senior staff member, and by "senior" I mean, of
course, "oldest," because I hold both of your daughters in much higher
regard. This position means you have certain responsibilities,
responsibilities you are not living up to.

Naturally, I am speaking about the dog, who has recently written a
cowardly memo to you in an attempt to spark a revolt in the household.
It was your duty to administer swift and preferably capital
punishment to the insubordinate animal, and your dismal failure in the
matter has led me to craft this letter. This forces me to do
something I am utterly loathe to do--acknowledge your existence. I
must warn you that as a result, I am putting a copy of this memo in
your personnel file.

This whole matter is most unseemly, as the dog lacks standing to
register a complaint of any kind. This is an animal who, when
excited, attempts to make love to the sofa--an animal who, when
allowed outside, rewards us by defecating in our yard!

How often, I ask you, have we been enjoying a lovely evening of our
favorite activity--sitting in front of the television in the family
room, everyone taking turns stroking and worshiping me--only to have
this mutt release a gaseous emission that brings tears to our eyes and
screams of anguish from your children? Of course, you yourself are to
blame here for the bad example you set with your own flatulent
behavior. In fact, there is such a strong link between your initial
discharge and the dog's follow-up volleys that I've come to think of
them as "sympathy farts." You'll never catch a cat performing such an
indelicacy. In my view the both of you should be banished to the
deck--you can watch television and me through the window.

His tendency to bark at the most routine event--such as the ringing
of the doorbell (is this supposed to be some sort of warning? We all
heard the doorbell, for goodness sake!) is most perturbing, as it
interferes with my hobby--bird watching. (I've been observing the
birds in the feeder for more than a year now, and have determined that
most of them can be classified as "edible.")

The only function at which the animal excels is as a pillow for my
mid-late afternoon nap, and sometimes for my early late afternoon nap
as well. Yet even at this he often fails, falling into a restless
state full of leg-twitching and soft yipping. (I know you think he is
dreaming of chasing rabbits, but nothing could be further from the
truth. You know what he is dreaming of? Running from cats, and well
he should. He knows he's in serious trouble with me, you can tell by
the way he slinks around in my presence.)

As a species, canines represent a broken rung on the evolutionary
ladder. Have you ever seen two or more of them mingle together? They
sniff each other in unmentionable places, then race over to lift their
legs on the bushes, proudly strutting around as if they've caught a
mouse or something, when all they've done is urinate on target.

Even worse: I think the fool canine actually likes me. It's probably
because I am so beautiful; but have you ever thought about what it is
like to be licked by that tongue? It's like being wiped down with a
drooling carpet.

In short, the dog has done nothing but cause trouble ever since I,
its replacement as the most beloved animal in the house, arrived to
take the throne. This attempt to violate the chain of command and
appeal to you to stage some sort of peasant uprising is just the
latest affront. We would be much better served if we replaced him
with a pet we would all find more enjoyable and fun.

May I suggest a family of free-range gerbils?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++

The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2004 http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

There are 9 seemingly identical coins - but although they look identical one is a counterfeit. The false coin is lighter then the others. Using a balance arm scale ONLY TWICE can you determine which is the false coin?

Wait a minute..what are you sayin, solus? I didn't call you anything

        [Road Closed 1 mile]

Put three coins on one side of the balance scale and three on the other. If one side tips up, the fake is amongst them. If they balance, the fake is one of the three unweighed coins. Weigh two of the three coins known to contain the fake, one on each side of the scale. If the scale rises, the fake is on the high side. If they balance, the unweighed coin is the fake. :-D

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!

I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A piece of bacon, an egg, and a sausage are frying in the pan. The sausage turns to the piece of bacon and says:
"its getting hot in here."
The bacon turns to the egg and replies:
"Well s**** me, a talking sausage!"

Two eggs boiling in a saucepan.One egg turns to the other and says "Its getting hot in here".The other egg replies " Wait till they lift you out--they will smash your head in"

A guy walks into a pub and says to the bar man "a larf of hager and a blass of geer please".The bar man says "pardon"?.The guy repeats his order "larf of hager and blass of geer please".The bar man says "got it,you want a half of lager and a glass of beer,yes"?
"Thats what I said" retorted the customer.
The bar man explained that the guy had a slip of the tongue--a freudian slip and the words came out different to what he had intended.The bar man said to him "don't worry it happens to everybody at some time or other,in fact it happened to me the other morning.I was sitting at the breakfast table with my wife and intended to say to her--would you mind passing me the teapot darling,but I had a slip of the tongue and what I actually said was---You big fat bastard you have ruined my life"
!!!

In one room there are 3 light switches, and in a completely seperate room (not visable from the first) are 3 light bulbs. You are in the room with the switches.

Your task to find out which switch turns on which light. (tehy are of course randomly wired)

You can leave the switch room and enter the light bulb room only once.

How do you work out which switch controls which light?

Turn on switch #1, leave it on for a little bit.

Then turn off switch #1, then turn on switch #2.

Go into the other room.

The light that is on goes to switch #2
The light bulb which is warm goes to switch #1
The light bulb which is cold goes to switch #3